My boyfriend (28m) and I (30f) just broke up today. I could really use some insight because I am feeling so upset and confused.
Six months of pure good times. We took things nice and slow, really getting to know one another.
Great connection emotionally and physically. Our values and interests aligned so well.
I was introduced to his close knit family and quickly formed relationships with them, something I truly embraced and appreciated.
It has only been in the past month that I noticed a change.
His brother, sister in law and neice moved away. They were super close and it happened out of no where. Then suddenly he started to become distant with me…less sweet, romantic. All the good stuff just petered away. He started spending all of his time alone at home.
I brought it up and he said that he was depressed. He was very open to communicating, sharing and trying to create a plan that could work for both of us. I felt good about our conversation and understood that he was sensitive and his needs were more pressing under the circumstances. But that he cared and wanted to be with me still.
I was very patient and understanding for weeks but my need for closeness was not being met. He wouldn’t accept my gentle nudge to comfort him and pushed me away. We were texting and hanging out less. That really hurt. So I just got on with my life over the last month.
Just today we discussed where things are at. I had an awful day and just wanted to be with my boyfriend. He had a bad day too but wanted space. To which I advocated for myself this time because my needs have been dismissed on multiple occasions.
He told me he has no energy to give.
He said that I should be with someone who can provide those things. It seems he has no intention right now to take care of himself and he says he doesn’t know when he’ll be better. But that I should be the one to make the decision if I still wanted to be with him.
That was devastating to hear, I didn’t want to break up with him. I would have loved to be there for him, under the condition he would contribute something to the relationship and with hopes of him taking care of himself with where he’s at right now.
All this time invested in an amazing relationship and then for it to end after only a soft month of sad….SUCKS. I am so sad for him and just want him to be okay, I care for him deeply. I wish our relationship didn’t have to end but I can’t stick around if he’s not even willing to take some action on his well being.
If you have experience with depression or even an avoidant personality please share your experience.
Ill take any support and wisdom to get some clarity from this situation. Thank you so much 🙏
TLDR; Broke up with my boyfriend because he is not willing to get help with his depression and it is impacting our relationship.
2 comments
Some people just don’t want to be helped. Nothing you can do but move on.
I have broken up with someone for not wanting to get mental health treatment, but it was something they’d been dealing with for many years. A month is not really that long when it comes to mental illness. That’s barely enough time to establish a pattern for a diagnosis. If depression is something he struggles with periodically and you were champing at the bit after mere weeks then you two were never going to work out. With long term relationships you have to be able to take the bad with the good and his “bad” sounds like a total deal breaker for you.
That said, ALL long term relationships are going to have rough patches. It isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. If you just want the fun of dating without having to be there when things get hard then you should be up front about it.