Tl:Dr: we have opposite schedules, he keeps prioritizing work yet promising a lot and not meeting in the middle. he gets weird in my spaces but not his and he’s forgot hygiene, any salvaging?
We’ve been dating a year, and we live about an hour apart. Our schedules are a bit different, and we both have our jobs and families within minutes of where we each separately are right now. I’ve usually been the one to go see and stay with him, we both live solo in our own spaces. He has come to visit me, but never wants to stay the night, and always acts uncomfortable! Same if he comes to visit me at my work, he acts very meek and very uncomfortable. But if I go visit him at work, he’s completely fine, super chatty, super confident. I do not nag or guilt trip him, and have always let him know he’s wanted and welcome to stay or come see me. We did have one upset about 4 months ago that I brought up it would be nice for him to drive to see me more, because from the start of things he was always saying work was too short staffed or he was too overbooked with work to come see me but that if XYZ panned out he would finally have more time, or if they find another person, he’d be more available. And here we sit, a year later, and still weirdness and still empty promises on seeing me more and meeting halfway.
I don’t feel he’s cheating, he’s genuinely incredibly short staffed at work, but he also has a hard time saying no and taking care of himself and feels he needs to carry the place. Like this week he was so exhausted he was dizzy and puking after his shifts, and had to Uber home and back the next day. I gently suggest he needs to prioritize himself but shuts me down and says he can’t because his work would not run without him.
He talks all the sweet things all day long, telling me how much he misses me, how he wishes we lived together and could see me everyday (I am the one opting not to, I am not ready and the longer we date I’m honestly unsure I want to continue), etc. It’s affecting other aspects of our relationship too like he’s opted to forgo showers after long hot sweaty days yet expects sex, and it’s a huge huge turn off to me. So I’ve just opted not to have sex and now he gets grumpy with me over it which is a whole other concern, because no one is owed sex in a relationship and he verbally says all is okay but his comments and non verbals indicate he’s mad about it. I’ve also literally never seen him brush his teeth, and starting to think that isn’t a thing for him either.
1) why is he being weirdly uncomfortable in my spaces but not in his spaces?
2) is there any salvaging this, or better to cut my losses? Is there any kind way to tell him he really needs some better hygiene practices?
6 comments
The number of men on this sub who don’t brush & don’t wash, or don’t wash their hands! Have you ever said matter-of-factly, “Hey dude, I would love to have sex with you but I’m not doing it if you don’t shower or brush your teeth. If you decide not to shower or brush your teeth, I’m not having sex with you, and I don’t want you to get grumpy because that’s on you.” You are way beyond kind here. You are into tough love conversation here.
You’re not a teenager. You know you can, and should, expect better than this.
And you’re not feeling excited about continuing to date him. That can be enough, all by itself, to call it off.
I think you need to stop attempting to read his mind and figure out how to ‘manage’ his poor behaviors, and instead ask if you want to remain in this relationship. Not the relationship you wish it could be, but the one it actually is and has been for a while now.
The hygiene is not your core issue here. The core issue is that you are not a priority, at all, in any aspect of the relationship. Time with you is not a priority. Effort for you (even effort as simple as showering) is not a priority. He talks to build himself up, but is he literally showing up for you in any way?
Honestly, it sounds like he has just manipulated you into doing all the work in the relationship. Probably because he is lazy and just basically wants the convenience of staying home where everything is his and he has control over everything. Does he cook for you? What efforts does he put into your relationship? Because he sounds like a big time taker to me from what you’ve written. Sure maybe he over performs at work and is someone who is seen as a giver there, but that doesn’t necessarily reflect on someone’s behavior in personal relationship. I would probably just end this if I were you. This is soooo much work for you with so little reward. Not even showering? Jesus.
>1) why is he being weirdly uncomfortable in my spaces but not in his spaces?
Perhaps I’m missing something but the only mention of his spaces is his workplace? If you only see him there or at your place it does make sense that his work persona is different to his out of work one. And speaking of his work… What does he actually do? Is he a manager or just a grunt? Does he get paid for all this extra time and so on? (Do you really think the place would collapse without him?)
>2) is there any salvaging this, or better to cut my losses? Is there any kind way to tell him he really needs some better hygiene practices?
Probably not. Because he just doesn’t give a shit, does he? Whether he’s really *needed* at work and/or cannot say no, is anyone’s guess. But it’s his choice to not shower or brush and all that other stuff, his choice to promise more time with you a year ago and never follow up on it, etc… Like what are you getting out of this relationship? Getting to hang out with a sweaty, unkempt man a couple of times a week?
why are you with him? I missed that somewhere…
Tell him that he has your address and if he wants to see you again, you will be there waiting for him, clothes optional.