Years of reading books and posts on making friends etc. have made me a good listener and a “great person to talk to” – according to others.
However, from my perspective, none of these conversations are true conversations – rather, monologues. I ask them questions: about their opinions, their day and interests, ask follow up questions, repeat what they said, and so on.
What I miss here is the exchange of thoughts and opinions. A proactive discussion – used to have these with my parents all the time. Or at least from an egoistic perspective for someone to ask ME a question in exchange.
Once a person sees that I’m a “listener” type (which I’m not, but social anxiety has made me into one), they just keep talking about themselves and their lives, so much that I feel like I could write a short book about them. Even talking to my new boyfriend became exhausting, because I never get to speak about something I care about, only listen to him explaining his interests.
Unfortunately, I’m still a people pleaser and don’t know how to make the conversations more two-sided, how to introduce a topic – I worry they may not be interested, I’m interrupting and so on.
Any advice and tips would be welcome :)))
3 comments
I completely understand what you mean. I also started as a great listener and made everyone want to talk at me. You’re halfway there!
The next step is relating your experiences to what is being said in the conversation. You won’t execute this perfectly on the first or fifth try, but eventually you’ll be able to articulate your thoughts into words and have a decent conversation. All it takes is practice. You’ve got this!
You are indeed quite the listener, however what you’re describing does not really sound like a meaningful conversation to me, which in turn means it is a waste of your valuable time.
I honestly don’t think it is possible to simply teach yourself how to have a great conversation, the only way such skill can be taught is by attempting to do so, then probably failing at it a few times, and then you’ll suddenly succeed.
Honestly, I ask people personal and meaningful questions in a conversation without worrying so much about what is “socially acceptable to ask”, their answer usually gives me alot of new information about them, which in turn allows me to keep the conversation going, but also motivates them to ask me a question in return. In other words, a conversation happened.
People love to talk about themselves. You are granting them the ability to do so. You are the best person in these people’s lives. I am sure they are very thankful to you for that. Sacrificing talking about ones self (and with it sacrificing your own social pleasure) to let others have it. How noble of you!!!!!
On a real note i relate very much. I hope you atleast enjoy listening aswell. You could just start talking about yourself any minute no? Or just say i like/want x or hey lets go do x. Tho ur probably gonna get one word answers for that. It do be is are rough out there. Or maybe ask more interesting questions than how was ur day if u want an engaging conversation. Tho yes it does suck when you’re the only one asking questions. Just give ur own question an answer aswell.