TLDR – I (28F) was/still am best friends with a guy (28M) and used to think he and I would end up together. now I’ve been dating someone else for 3.5 years (boyfriend is 29M), and I’m so happy in my relationship, but still have strong (non-romantic) feelings for my friend and need help deciphering whether that’s problematic.
so my best friend in college was a guy and we had a very intense (maybe somewhat volatile) friendship. we’re both very sensitive and emotional people, and we could read each other and understand each other in very unique way – like, predicting exactly how the other would react to something and their exact thought process. when we were in groups of people, we could have whole conversations just be looking at each other. i will admit that I had feelings for him at some point (in spite of myself – I knew that we were both too anxious and neurotic to ever have a healthy relationship), but he was always moving from one fling to another. Sometimes I felt like he sent mixed signals bc, despite dating basically everyone I knew, he would treat them as sort of temporary and tell me that our friendship was more important bc we were going to spend our whole lives together, etc etc. also when I started dating my current bf, he acted sort of betrayed/even slightly territorial when they first met? I’ll never really know for sure what he felt, but I do know multiple of his flings broke things off bc they felt weird about how close he and I were, so it wasn’t just all in my head.
so basically for a long time I felt like my friend and I would eventually end up together once we both emotionally matured (esp him), but that belief kind of broke my heart and eventually I let go of it and started dating around myself.
long story short, I met my soul mate – someone with all the qualities of my friend that made our friendship so magnetic, but none of the traits that created the emotional insecurity. we started dating and pretty much immediately knew we would spend our lives together. I know this whole post is focused on my friend and I’m not saying much about my bf, but trust me when I say it’s obvious to me and everyone who knows me that my boyfriend and I are absolutely perfect together.
I’m still very close with my guy friend, and sometimes I feel guilty for “abandoning” him for my current relationship, but I also have no doubts that the relationship I’m in is the right one for me. I do sometimes find myself worrying about my friend, and his happiness, and hoping he finds someone who he has emotional security/fulfillment with too. i also feel a tinge of something- maybe sadness? for what could have been between us. I think that, in a different world, maybe my friend and I would have ended up together, and I am glad that we didn’t end up together, but I still love him in a non-romantic way. Sometimes I feel like he and I were always meant to be drawn together, and it just took me a while to figure out that it was just as best friends and not romantically.
My question is – is it disloyal to my bf to have such strong feelings for a guy, even if they aren’t romantic? for what it’s worth, I’ve told my bf everything about my complicated friendship (including the fact that we once made out while drunk), and he even told me that it makes sense that I would be so close with my friend since he has so many personality traits in common with my bf – basically, that they’re both my type of person, but my bf is the only one I’m actually compatible w in a LT romantic relationship. pls help bc, as you can tell from this block of text, I’ve thought a lot about this and I still feel conflicted about whether or not my feelings are appropriate
6 comments
Very tricky situation I feel for you. I would struggle too. I don’t think it’s disloyal to have emotions for people you care deeply about. It becomes an issue only when you’re acting on those emotions and building on them in a romantic way or getting physical and cheating.
As long as you keep on being open and communicating with your bf and you make sure you cultivate your relationship with him, put the effort in, you will be fine. You don’t have to choose between these two people, you just have to make sure you know which side your bread is buttered and make sure you stick to it, because I think that farther down the line if you don’t do that and make the mental emotional and physical commitment, besides anyone else you’re just going to be creating problems for yourself.
Still, whatever happens this friend means a lot to you and you had a shared experience – and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re about to fall into his arms and cheat on your bf – it’s just a deeply caring platonic relationship. If you didn’t properly get together in the time you were friends, then it wasn’t going to happen anyway – he’s not the right one for you – close, but no cigar. And that’s ok. It will be hard of course but try not to worry about it and just keep talking 🙂
Look up the idea of romantic friendships. And if your bf is OK with this, don’t overthink? Feelings are just feelings; it’s what you do with your feelings that count.
yes it’s disloyal. Make a decision.
I don’t think it’s ‘disloyal’.
But it’s complicated and I think it will ultimately end up damaging your relationship with your partner. Even if you strictly see your friend platonically, it doesn’t seem to flow the other way.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen this work out well. I think you’re better off distancing yourself a bit. Not necessarily dropping him as a friend but reducing some if that closeness and allowing others to fill that space.
The thing you have to ask yourself is: Are you ready to prioritize someone else? It’s alright of he stays an important person in your life. You just have to know you can prioritize your soul mate, your kids, etc when it matters.
I live my sister so much and we are very close. However, were i to have a husband and children of my own, my sister and i each accept i have priorities that aren’t her and vice versa. The hallmark of a good friendship or sibling relationship really is allowing each other to have the space to make others a priority.
Can your guy friend gracefully accept what is is place in your life vis-a-vis your partner? Is he supportive and wants you to have those relationships? Or does he feel like he owns the biggest real estate in your heart? That would be the problem, if he does.
Look at how many times you’ve stated “I always thought i would end up with him” in this post. He’s not your friend. He is a ghost of a relationship that got away.
Friends don’t say “I wonder what could have been” about their friends. Stop lying to yourself.
>I’ve told my bf everything about my complicated friendship (including the fact that we once made out while drunk), and he even told me that it makes sense that I would be so close with my friend since he has so many personality traits in common with my bf – basically, that they’re both my type of person, but my bf is the only one I’m actually compatible w in a LT romantic relationship.
Leave your poor bf. You’ve clearly went out with him because he reminds you of your friend. This “but my bf is the only one im compatible with LT” is bullshit coping. You say you and your friend are too anxious and neurotic to be with each other. I think you’re too anxious and neurotic for your bf. You want your true match (your friend) as your primary relationship and you want your safer clone version of your friend at home.