After every single session we have, instead of my bf giving me aftercare/affection/etc, he always goes straight to sleep and sort of leaves me alone. I’m an extremely emotional person and without reassurance from him, I always feel like complete *shit* after. I tried bringing this topic up to him in hopes he would agree to start giving aftercare. But when I asked him if he could start giving me aftercare, he said no. He said that he would only do it *sometimes when he feels like it*. I then tried saying multiple times that he has to give aftercare, but again, he just said no. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want aftercare so I can feel less like shit after sex. Help?
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UPDATE: I have read everyone’s replies, can’t reply to all because it’d be pretty time consuming, but just know that I did read everything! đ
I’ve seen lots of people say I should leave him. It’s a good point, honestly, but I’m really hesitant in doing so. We have been together for a year and I don’t typically plan on letting it go so soon. But I do plan on discussing it with him again. The first time I did discuss the topic with him, when he said no over n over, I basically just folded and gave up. But the next time I’m gonna try to stay more confrontational and hope it will make him realize how much aftercare really means to me. Thank you everyone for the advice, it really helped!
33 comments
Sounds like a dud of a boy friend.
You know what to do……
Sounds like a real caring compassionate guy you have there.
It’s simple, you don’t get what you want, he doesn’t get what he wants. Get yourself a nice dildo girl and show him you don’t need him when you’re horny! Plus you’ll prob feel better after since it’ll be for you and the fact that you’re horny and wanna treat yourself!đ imo sex is an experience that’s meant for both parties to enjoy equally. Communication is very important. You communicated what you want and he is refusing to adjust or make any agreement that has the care for your emotions in mind. Ask yourself what you would do if the situation was flipped (can be with anything he might want sexually) then ask yourself, is how you’re being treated equal and fair to how you’d treat someone because you deserve back what you give and nothing less!! Make him understand he’s being unfair and disregarding you and if he can’t do that it’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to accept less than what you deserve from someone. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be harsh, you just did everything right and he being a dick
thats not your boyfriend you are his fleshlight. leave
If he isnât willing to meet your needs emotionally, you arenât going to meet his needs physically.
I seriously canât comprehend how a guy could justify this. You are his partner and you are communicating what you need to feel safe and loved⊠he just doesnât care?!
Decide if you can be happy with someone who cares so little about your needs. I would tell him âcool we are doneâ but I am a person who would rather be alone than waste time and effort on someone who canât be bothered
>I don’t know what to do anymore.
You can leave.
I’m serious–theres no way to trick him into caring, no perfect set of words to convince him, no longterm strategy to get him to empathize with you or your needs. Some people are selfish. He’s made it clear he doesn’t care and you can’t control that. But you can control your own happiness. Plenty of men will care. Go find and have fun with them instead
Stop having sex at bedtime. Or just get rid of him. He seems pretty self centered.
Me ex almost immediately fell asleep after when we had sex at bedtime. We worked out a solution that let him fall asleep and allowed me to get what I needed. So itâs possible but he also didnât just flat out tell me no when I wanted his attention after sex.
Thats uh. Read bad and unhealthy. Thats him straight up saying ‘I will not be there for you in your times of need if it doesn’t suit me.’ It’s a show he doesn’t care.
Run sis.
Seems he is selfish and not mature enough to understand what you are saying
Tell him that youâre not gonna fuck him unless he does that. Lack of aftercare can cause mental issues and resentment towards your partner and sex in general. Therefore itâs aftercare or no sex at all. If he tryâs to initiate just say âno sorry, I always feel so used after we have sex it makes it not worth itâ
It’s sad that you even have to ask him to give you affection afterwards, you deserve a boyfriend who will give it to you because he wants to. Imagine a guy who craves the idea of giving you affection afterward. Even if he was tired, the least he could do is snuggle up to you while he falls asleep, but this guy sounds cold.
You can’t force this guy to care about you. What you can do is find someone else.
Unacceptable. There are so many guys who would love to give you both a good sex session and a good cuddle and care session. This man does not remotely sound worth your time, let alone worth your tears. To me that’s a red flag that he doesn’t respect you and your needs and that’s pretty much never isolated to the bedroom.
> We have been together for a year and I don’t typically plan on letting it go so soon.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost
>The first time I did discuss the topic with him, when he said no over n over, I basically just folded and gave up. But the next time I’m gonna try to stay more confrontational and hope it will make him realize how much aftercare really means to me.
By all means talk to him once more if you need that to give you closure. But honestly his reaction to the first time you told him what you need should be everything you need to know to dump him. He doesn’t care about you.
Also be very aware that he might just give in to make you stay. That still doesn’t mean he cares about you, and usually it’s just a means to string you along. It will be better for a couple of weeks, and then it will get worse again. You wasted already a year on a man who doesn’t care about your needs. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
And to put your request into perspective: I’m a woman that is not interested in a serious relationship anymore and I would never, ever hook up with a man who treats me like your boyfriend does. I’m currently in a casual relationship where we sometimes cuddle for hours after sex. Literally.
Itâs needs to be a hard line for you. Be clear: it happens again, youâre done having sex until he makes it apparent he gives a shit about proper aftercare. đ€·đ»ââïž
Why would you not want to end a relationship after a year? The first part of a relationship is finding out if and how it works, not pushing through a bad time in the hopes it will change.
This is something I wish I had learned way younger. There are kind people out there who would just treat you better.
Even after your edit: leave him and don’t waste your time. Obviously you’re not worth his time for him, so don’t waste yours either.
Just say no to sex then, âno I donât feel like it cause you make me feel crap afterwards so whatâs the point?â
Okay aside from no aftercare when you ask being a problem, the fact that heâs only willing if HE feels like it is a red flag. Thatâs pre selfish and I would rethink the relationship at that point
Have sex earlier in the day then. I also get very sleepy after sex. Feel like a pudding.
Sounds like you guys are sexually incompatible.
I donât agree with everyone who is shaming the boyfriend for expressing his preferences and declining consent.
Sounds like a bratty kid that still needs his mother to baby him… How is he gng to baby you… He is not a man he is a boy who gets awkward and shit doesn’t know the c of communication…. The only time he is an adult is when he is having s*x…
I mean all he has to do is snuggle a bit with you… And this is alot for him… Dudes off
If youâre not going to dump a man who treats you like a sex toy, at least stop having sex with him. Donât set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Needs to compromise. Maybe not everyone time but least half the time
So, he told you he doesnât care about your feelings or what you want as long as he gets what he wants. Heâs not going to change so if consider if you can deal with this long term.
I learned this the hard way with my now ex wife and yes, there are guys out there that just want some affection and to cuddle after the deed
If you donât wanna leave him and he wonât give you what you need, tell him that you wonât be having sex with him until he does because itâs not longer an enjoyable experience and itâs not good for your mental health.
Hi. Bigger problem here is that you are asking him to address a need that you have (in this case aftercare which is important) and he is dismissive of your request. You are early into your relationship and this can (is likely) an indication of other problems to come in the future. Is his dismissive of your feelings and opinions at other times? Are you equals in this relationship? Are there other times that you feel that this person makes you âfeel like complete shitâ? If so it is probably a good idea to move on from this relationship – if this is not (yet) the case look for some of the red flags that I mentioned above as indications that it might be time to go. Good luck and I hope you get what you need!
Use your pussy power – no aftercare no sex. Once he associates the two he was fall in line. I would say something like âIâm going to suck out your soul but only if you cuddle me afterwards.â If doesnât then no more savage head.
Okay. So after a guy orgasms and has put in work during sex, often times they are left feeling super hot, super tired, and super relaxed. Like they just got hit with some laughing gas or something. He might not want to cuddle right away after because of one of those reasons. That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care about you or how you feel it might literally be that he just wants to enjoy those feelings.
I split the difference with my partner by holding their hand afterwards until I cool off and “ride the wave” of feeling then I cuddle after that. He should at least be willing to do that.
Why do you feel like shit after sex?