I just mentioned in passing that I masturbate all the time recently and my husband is now pissed at me. He said he could have been having more sex than we are, but we already do it at least three times a week. We’ve been together 20 years and neither of us cheat and we have three kids. I’ve just been going through a really horny phase these past few months and enjoy having a daily release so I can get to my usual business. I find it annoying that he feels entitled to be involved every time I orgasm – it’s my body and sometimes I don’t want to deal with intimacy or anyone else, just have things be quick and easy between me, myself, and I. Am I the jerk?
41 comments
No. He is. He doesn’t control your pleasure. This is an insecurity on his part.
Nope I would think it’s great, love the idea of my wife having an orgasm.
Absolutely nothing wrong in what your doing.
You are entitled to private time just as he is.
And 3 times a week is perfectly healthy at 20 years in.
We probably average about 3 times a week and it’s my husband more so that masturbates regularly and I have no issue with it what so ever
It’s your body and you need time alone with it just as much as you need time alone with your own thoughts and emotions. A partner doesn’t gain sole ownership of your sexuality. A healthy amount of masturbation and self exploration is good. As long as it doesn’t impact our sex life or prevent you from doing other responsibilities or interests, I’d encourage it. Hell, I’m usually telling partners if they find something really hot, share it with me for when I have my me-time.
You shouldn’t limit yourself because of him. I personally NEED daily masturbation and I’d hate for my husband to limit that. Don’t limit yourself
You’re definitely not in the wrong for doing that.
I think that he should have expressed his feelings about it in a more mature and healthy way. Saying something like, “I’m glad you have a healthy sexual relationship with yourself honey, do you think maybe I could join you in your fun sometime?” (or some other such sentence) Might have conveyed he’d like to have some more sex with you better than whining about not getting more.
Not that you’re required to include him or he’s entitled to anything! (Before anyone misunderstands me) just that I can understand how someone who’d like to have more sex with their partner might feel like they’re missing out on opportunities or being “passed up” if the partner chooses to masturbate instead of initiate sex with them.
I wished my wife masturbated and explored her own body so she could tell me what gets her off.
I’d be turned on if she talked about it and sometimes just let me watch. OMG
His reaction was not appropriate but I do feel like there’s a bit of a double standard here… I see many posts on this subreddit where girls learn their bf is choosing masturbation over sex (albeit, porn over sex is the more common issue) and it’s seen as problematic and unhealthy to choose masturbating over sex with their partner.
I want to emphasize that him being angry over this is not okay, but I do sort of understand some frustration. He wants to have sex more and you’re now openly choosing masturbation over him, is that right? I think that would hurt anyone’s feelings regardless of gender. Does he satisfy you during sex? If he does, are you open to having sex/masturbating with him involved more often? If not, why? I feel like this should be a bigger conversation. However, he needs to be reasonable and it’s totally okay to want to masturbate without a partner, I just think consistently choosing self pleasure over mutual pleasure can lead to a lot more issues in the future! I hope I’m not coming across as shaming you for masturbating. I’m just trying to say I get his perspective (not his reaction).
No ma’am
Idky some men think they need to be our only source of pleasure, but it’s a big fat headed assumption. You want me to believe he hasn’t masturbated for 20 years? No. He’s a hypocrite lol
I mean I would be happy for her a lot since she’s happy and enjoying. But I would be a bit jealous cause I would like to take part on it at least sometime.
Me personally? I’d be thrilled!
Sex with yourself doesn’t, in any way, take away from sex with me. In fact, I happen to believe it makes it better.. but that’s just me.
The reality is masturbation is healthy for everyone. You should be allowed to masturbate every day without being made to feel guilty by your husband. However it sounds like his frustration is that he wants sex more than 3 times a week, and now thinks you can probably have sex more often. If he was masturbating daily and you wanted sex daily but only got it 2-3 times per week from him would you be annoyed? It just sounds like you guys need to have some discussions about sex in general, outside of the bedroom setting. Y’all been together 20 years and still have sex often, I’m sure you’ll be fine!
Not one bit! I’d probably ask if she wanted company. Might develop into something new for us. If not, have fun!
No. I don’t do it always daily. But I believe everyone should be comfortable masturbating. I think if you’re comfortable with yourself, your sex life is better. I buy my wife toys to use, if she’s horny and I’m not available. Go for it!
No of course not. It would only bother me if she was masturbating compulsively and not having sex with me at all.
So if she has healthy boundaries I would be happy she is masturbating
Not at all, actually I would be impressed and inspired
I don’t think Ive ever been mad at my wife for masturbating but I know I do tend to want it much more if she tells me she is. I figure it’s her way of saying hey I’m masturbating a lot lately, can you try and fuck me? Which is sometimes the case.
Masturbation is healthy. So is attending to your partners sexual needs. You need to have a conversation. If your partner is not being sexually fulfilled and has communicated that in the past, masturbating instead of having sex with them is certainly something that could reasonably upset them. Do they try to initiate sex and you turn them away because you are no longer interested because you masturbated earlier? Are you having unenthusiastic sex that leaves your partner feeling like you’re not interested? Keeping a healthy sex life after years in a relationship is hard. There’s more going on here than just you masturbating and all the comments blaming your husband for just being immature are missing the point. He’s not “entitled to your orgasm” but he is your partner that you committed yourself to and I think you should consider the broader issues that may be coming out through this.
I don’t think he’s trying to be controlling tbh, I think he just feels left out. Just communicate with him, let him watch sometimes or send him a surprise video of you masterbating alone and I’m sure he’ll be happy
You’re not a jerk. My husband is very happy that I’m able able to cum. Likewise, I’m very glad he can cum whenever he’s needing to if I’m not there/in the mood.
My partner and I are here to make sure the other excels in every avenue of life. That means being supportive about each other’s pleasure.
Not my wife but she does it as soon soon as she has enough time.
I don’t care at worst, or even find it exciting knowing she’s getting herself off.
Doesn’t impact our sex life and she’s available for sex anytime.
Why would I get mad?
Not at all. And I would provide a vast variety of dildos and sucking vibrators
Wouldn’t bother me at all! Doesn’t bother me at all. My wife does, and sometimes we both do. Sex life is great, so we don’t let it become an issue with us.
You are absolutely entitled to your alone time. NTA on that at all.
Would he be receptive to getting short videos of you touching yourself? Sexting a little bit?
I have a FWB and one of the hottest things we do (outside of actually being together) is sending videos of us getting off. (Short, like 30 seconds, not full sessions or anything)
Do you have orgasms with him regularly? How often? Perhaps he’s threatened?
if masturbating impedes on your sex life, theres a problem (this goes both ways). if theres no impact, then no issue. that said, i would certainly be bummed if my girl was masturbating very frequently but being intimate with me far less often. it would make me feel less wanted.
God I would love if my wife masturbated more. It would be so good for her sexuality. I would hope she would tell me about it too. It’s a huge turn on to think of her having an orgasm.
No I wouldn’t be mad, but if I found out and felt like I was suppressing my drive because I figured she wasn’t interested, I’d at least suggest we satisfy each other. If she’s not into that, then so be it
I’d be absolutely delighted! Being with someone who values their self pleasure is empowering for both partners IMO
Would have zero issues. I think it’d be good for her. Think women that masturbate learn a lot of skills that they later bring to the bedroom.
Only if I were being consistently being turned down. If we have sex regularly, and not just a perfunctory get-this-out-of-the-way mercy jump, if she wants it when I’m unavailable I’m more than happy for her to take care of herself. Just as I do when she’s not available.
Keep those fingers moving Al good
Nah. It’d honestly turn me on. Would I experience a bit of FOMO? Yes. But would I be pissed? Hell nah.
20 years and he’s getting 3 times a week? He should be ecstatic. If it was more like 6 months and he was getting it once a week but you were masturbating every day, I might see his point.
I had this exact conversation with my wife the other day, my response was “cool me too.”, we still have sex 3-7 times a week after 15 years though.
Hmm, I masturbate often too.. Sex drive is a use it or loose it thing. for me anyways, I go long enough without an orgasm, I won’t want them anymore. I would suggest though… maybe initiate sex a bit more? You didn’t mention if you’re initiating or not, as an insecure person, I could get being hurt by this if you’re not initiating the sex. No idea if your sex is routine but maybe change that up too? I know sex is effort Vs. Laying back with a vibrator, and we all just want to worry only about ourselves sometimes.. but.. maybe occasionally alternatives to full on sex? For example sometimes I blow my husband till he cums and then have him suck on my nipples while I vibrate my clit till I finish and that’s it. And sometimes I blow him just cause I wanted to, nothing for me down there.
Eh, I might be a little annoyed. My wife can masturbate all she wants, and I can be annoyed about it. We both have the right to those feelings/actions.
Let’s put this in a less charged condition. Let’s say you really like going on walks. You especially like going on walks with your husband. Y’all‘ve gotten in a routine where y’all walk three times a week. You like this and are satisfied, but you do enjoy walks with your husband and you assume he just likes to walks three times a weeks. Eventually you find out he’s been going for walks without you. It relaxes him, he enjoyed the alone time and the solace, furthermore he walks faster than you so his walks don’t take as long when you aren’t with him. It’s completely reasonable for you to be upset/annoyed when you find out he’s been going on walks without you. Just like it’s reasonable for him to go on walks on his own. It is his body after all.
Neither standpoint is that outrageous, and It’s something you discussed as healthy adults and come to a compromise on. Because that’s what adults do when they are committed to a relationship.
No, everyone should be able to masturbate as often as they wish as long as it’s not affecting the rest of your life or replacing sex with your partner.
That said, your husband did mention about possibly having more sex than you two are currently having. Perhaps have a talk to see if he wants to increase the frequency of sex. If your libido is so high that he can’t keep up, he should leave you to it
This has turned into a big discussion and I’m really happy with the responses and conversation. Honestly,
I really really love my husband but I don’t really know that I want to have sex with him much more than 3 times a week. I really enjoy it when we do it and he’s great at oral and always makes sure I am pleasured. But truth is that sometimes I am overwhelmed with all my responsibilities – three kids constantly needing and grabbing at me, my full time job making demands of my time, a house to take care of and extended family and friends, even a dog is to walk, and then my husband coming at me with more “needs” when he gets fully pleasured at least 3 times a week and has consistently had this for 20 years? There were years when the kids we’re smaller that I literally just blew him several times a week to keep him satisfied but I just didn’t want anyone touching me. I just needed my own space and to lay down exhausted at the end of the day and have one more person making demands of me – in the most intimate way – it just isn’t what I wanted or needed not every single day. I take care of all my responsibilities and his sexual satisfaction is one of them. And I do enjoy it – obviously I’m a sexual person. But he told me once early in our relationship that he doesn’t think he should have to masturbate ever because he’s in a committed relationship and sometimes that is really overwhelming for me.
And for all these people talking about toys – we have zero toys. None. Just me and my fingers here and my husband’s tongue are my only sources of orgasm. You all are making me think I should get some. But I am beginning to see now that maybe he’s not the most open minded person sexually and that sort of sucks.
Now imagine u would like to have sex almost daily for 20 years. But u only do it 3 times a week. Than u find out ur partner is horny on the daily. He most likely feels like 3 days is all ur willing to do. So in his head he sucked it up and lived with it to not pester you and expect to much from u.