tl;dr: Lacking empathy, due to communication issue?
Hey,
I’ll try and keep this short and simple, paraphrasing three months worth of contact for one Reddit post is a bit hard.
My (20sM) best friend’s (30sF) dad (60sM) died of Corvid a couple months back. She’s recently let me know that she was disappointed how I wasn’t there enough for her. She seemed very sad about that, and I do feel guilty about it. I’m not the very best at conveying my emotions, but I’m not sure what else I could have done …
The thing is, namely, that the only way we can communicate is via e-mail. Her boyfriend (30sM) doesn’t really like it when she has contact with other people, and doesn’t allow her to have any social media. Normally, I would have immediately visited (if she wanted; even though she’s a few hours away, that’s really no problem in such cases, imo) or at least called to talk about it.
Due to the above situation with her boyfriend, I was limited to e-mail. I gave my condolences and told her that I’m there for her if she needs anything, and gave a cursive *hugs* emoji*.*
I offered to talk to her, but she didn’t want to, because I didn’t experience the same thing. Well, yeah, my parents and close family are all still alive. I’ve never lost someone like she has. Last week, I offered to listen, if she just wants to talk, but same response, that “we’re living in different worlds, and I have the feeling nobody really wants to listen.”
So now I’m kind of clueless how I should have responded or what I should have done differently? I’d love to be there for her, but due to the above-mentioned limitations, I’m unsure of what I could have done differently. The text form is really not the best communication method for this.
I hope you could shed some light on how I can provide support / continue from here on.
Thank you!
\- XiN
3 comments
Grief is painful and she’s hurting. She might be misdirecting some of her aguish and loneliness. I’d ignore the boyfriend and call her up anyway or make arrangements to show up.
Sorry to hear that your friend has lost her father.
I’m also sorry to hear that’s she’s saying these things to you, because it sounds like you did what you could do given the limits/conditions that she put on you.
The person who should have been taking care of her needs and comforting her is/was her BF, yeah the one who limited the ways that she was “allowed” to communicate with you and probably others.
But in the end, it’s all her fault and her responsibility for the lack of empathy that she felt that she got from you. Personally, I’m thinking that she was actually wanting sympathy, but in either case, these are things that are better done in person or through some kind of call (voice or video) so that both of you can get real-time feedback so that it’s possible to adjust what is being said/done to match the actual situation.
Email, is probably one of the worst ways to be doing/dealing with what was going on, heck even texting or using other forms of social media that allows for more interactive/real-time communications is better than sending emails back and forth, because emails, though they can be sent/received pretty quickly, are not the same as texting and using other means to communicate, because it always incorporates a break in the communications, much like this reddit comment does/will.
Text can be OK, but as long as it’s pretty much real-time and and actually allows you to actually interact, yes, it’s not as good as a voice of video call, but sometimes that’s all you actually have available.
In your case, the limits were artificial and she was the one who was “blocking” or not allowing other more effective means to communicate to be used, so again, what happened is all on her, because, you pretty much did the only thing that you could do via email which was to offer her “condolences and told her that I’m there for her if she needs anything”, which put the ball in her court, so if she wanted more, she should have reached out and let you know that she was needing that (which totally falls in the “anything” category).
If she wanted daily emails, she should have asked for that, if she wanted to “talk” or “vent” then she should have gone ahead and done so, because asking someone via email if “there’s anything wrong?” or the like is really hard, because unlike a phone or video call, there is really no way for you to feel/hear the “mood” unless they go and tell you or write things that make it obvious that they might be holding back.
The only thing that you can probably do is to tell her that you are sorry that she if feeling this way and that you would like to talk with her on the phone, have a video chat or meet in person, so that you can better understand what is going on, and hopefully be able to be more “empathetic”, which I think she is misusing and actually means more “sympathetic” so that she will be/feel more comforted.
I know that I did say that this is all on her, but even so, don’t go there and say that, because it won’t help at all, instead just suggest doing things that you think would allow you to be able to be more responsive, and don’t be upset if she continues to say “no” because of her BF.
Probably the farthest I’d go would be to just ask her to let me know exactly what she want’s me to do, when it comes to showing her more “empathy”, let her know that you want to be there for her, but that you just don’t know how to do that via email, so she really needs to explain/tell me, because I really want to be there for her, but that I just don’t know what to do or how to make that happen, through email (or without being able to at least talk with her if not see her in person).
Be really careful about what you say, because she is hurting and grieving, and she may not realize that she cannot get what she wants/needs given the limitations she and/or her BF has put in place.
Another option, if she complains would be to ask/demand that she call you so that the two of you can actually talk about what is going on so that you can better understand what she if going through and/or facing, which would then allow you to be more “empathetic” because one needs to actually “understand” the what is going on, the situation and how she is doing, in order to be able to be able to have “empathy” for her and her situation.
“My dad just died” is a statement of fact, but that is not enough information to be able to try to understand how she if feeling and doing, which is why you ended up letting her know “that I’m there for her if she needs anything” because that’s pretty much all you can say or do via email or even text.
I don’t think that you are wrong or that you have been insensitive or are lacking “empathy” or that you have not displayed enough “sympathy” because, once you offer your initial condolences, you are going to need to either get actionable feedback from them, or outright be told or asked for stuff, because like most of not all of us, you don’t have the power to read her mind or to be able to see/feel her through emails.
I hope this made sense and was helpful.
Best wishes and good hope to both of you going forward during this difficult time.
Be strong, be safe and be well!
>Her boyfriend (30sM) doesn’t really like it when she has contact with other people, and doesn’t allow her to have any social media.
It sounds like she’s in a very high control, possibly abusive relationship.
Perhaps you could tell her that normally you’d have done much more than email, but you did the best you could under the rules she’s living with. Then maybe ask if she’s happy living under those rules.
You could do some research on domestic violence groups in her area, and be ready with information on resources she could access if she is ever ready to make a change. Therapy might help her… if she’s allowed to go by her boyfriend.