As the tittle says my fiancé is a stripper. And she became a stripper to help afford our apartment and I work two jobs and she works one normal job and I was originally okay with the idea of her being a stripper and I even went and watched her work and I thought it was great, she’s normally really shy so it was AWSOME to see her express herself. Lately though she’s been getting a lot of people texting her and they are guys from the club. I’m cool with her giving them her number so she can tell them when she’s going into the club and it’s helped her make a good amount of money. Within the last two weeks some guy has been wanting to take her out to eat and buy clothes. I told her absolutely not unless I could go. Because that’s a date and I’m not comfortable with her going on dates with other guys. So he said I could come and that’s cool. Two days ago he sent her a picture of a bracelet he bought for her and it’s pretty expensive. She loves the attention and I’ve made it known that I didn’t like it and she said she didn’t know what to do because she didn’t know he was going to do that. I understand she can’t control that and I don’t blame her for that. I just don’t like the fact that she encourages the behavior to him even though I’ve expressed discomfort with the gesture. This morning she woke me up and said he had texted her asking if she wanted to go to New York with him for 3 weeks, she told him no but she said she wished she could have gone. That’s where I decided to post on Reddit asking, WTF do I do? She knows I don’t like this and idk what she wants me to do.
Edit: I appreciate everyone stepping in and giving their opinion. I’m not sure what my course of action should be. When I say that I feel like maybe taking a step back she claims how much she loves me and that I’m the only person she wants to be with. But I just don’t see it. I’m not sure what to say or do.
48 comments
Sounds like she prefers the fancy offerings of other men vs your relationship
Seems pretty clear that she likes the money and the attention.
Start planning your exit, this is not going to end well.
She telling you she wished she could go tells me she’s more interested in that man & what he can offer than your relationship.
I’m sorry friend, seems it’s time to talk & maybe walk away.
As a dancer myself I think her behavior crosses a line. Many dancers don’t ever give out their numbers or meet customers outside of the club and still make plenty of money. If she wants to do those things despite you telling her that it upsets you, it’s a violation of your boundaries and plenty of cause for breaking up.
Her saying she wished she could go on a three week trip with a customer is kinda concerning. That’s not about making money that’s about having fun with another man.
Omg don’t marry this woman, are you crazy? She is definitely not wife material. You’re just gonna get a broken heart and lose half your income a couple years down the line.
Oh man I feel for you bro! She got a taste of attention and luxury life and loved it! If she continues to be a stripper she’s going to either cheat on you or leave for someone with money. Then she will probably regret it when she finds out how much of a shit bag that guy is and run back to you.
If I were you I would tell her the truth that you’re not comfortable with her being a stripper anymore. Either she quits and stops communicating with other men and you can continue with your relationship or she chooses to continue that life over you.
So on one hand she has you…working two jobs just to barely afford an apartment…on the other hand she has dudes literally shoving money down her pants and begging to spoil her. How do you see this playing out?
oh my sweet summer child
She’s gotten lost in the sauce. She needs to wake up and rethink her actions and values. This has gotten way out of hand, to the point she admitted she wanted to spend 3 weeks with another man, in another state. Please consider calling the wedding off
Sounds like she needs to stop stripping because she can’t handle boundaries. I’d say no more giving her number out either. There’s a difference between going to a job a clocking your time, and going out of your way to spend time with someone.
Tell her if that’s the life she wants to live then she can go to New York but you’ll be gone when she gets back.
Edit: also explain how your emotions have taken a back seat since she started this job. Maybe she needs a wake up call. Cause what’s happening now is sustainable.
I am not form the USA, so I dont know things are there, but how the fuck do you both need to work 2 jobs(she work 1 normal job + strip) to afford an apartement? Do you live in NY with a view on Central Park or somethig like that?
But regarding your question. It would be the best for you to break up with her. She doesnt give a shit about you and your relationship.
1. What was her job before?
2. She doesn’t know how she could have dealt with the bracelet but she entertained the idea of going to NY. She’s 100% leading this guy on. Her getting gifts isn’t a mystery to her.
I don’t know how to tell you this but your fiancé is not really a stripper at this point she’s more like an escort or wishes she could be. Or someone else’s sugar baby. It’s not going to end well for you unless you have a long lost uncle that suddenly died and left you millions
Ok a stripper. Some do it to pay for school etc but some do it because hey live the attention and of course money. Side money. Be careful bro
She’s looking past you so I’d just move on and let her be. Honestly, shakin’ yer booty in front of guys is just a tad encouraging to them so I’m not sure how you could have ever been OK with it. Giving her number out–really?
A friend of mine used to dance at a club like your fiancé, my friend would not get involved with customers outside the club. She was engaged as well and her fiancé would pick her up, etc. She didn’t have contact with her customers outside the club no matter how persistent they got. She made really good money too. And oh boy, were the customers persistent…one of them actually started stalking her.
Luckily for her, she’s got her fiancé, family and friends to look out for her.
Your fiancé doesn’t sound like she knows her boundaries, she also appears to enjoy these attentions. She also says that she would have wanted to go with that person … OP, uh, this doesn’t sound like your relationship will survive….
I dated a stripper in the past and unfortunately guys attempting to over step boundaries is a part of the job but that’s why it is critical for her to establish a fine line. In that relationship we agreed that Instagram would be the only thing she gave out and conversations with them would be purely what day she was scheduled. A lot of guys are going to try and entice her financially so she needs to make a choice, Being with you, who she knows will take care of her and has shown that you love her not just lust for her or pursuing the extremely small chance these other guys will fly her to fancy places and constantly give her all these fancy gifts, but she can’t have both, that’s not fair to you. The constant wants for attention from other men and needing validation from other men played a big part in that relationship ending so this is something that needs to be ironed out or its just gonna mentally drain you and be a topic for a lot of fights.
She should not be giving her number out. She could have made a Facebook page or something announcing when she is at work.
She’s for the streets now pal. She got a taste of the glamour life and she can’t stay away.
The issue isn’t her being a stripper, it’s her crossing boundaries and enjoying the attention. Giving out her number was unnecessary. She could have advertised her schedule through the club itself, or given out a work number, or work social media account etc.
Giving out her own number crossed a line. She’s mixing work with her personal life, and she’s already showing you how much she enjoys the attention and gifts. Trust is a two way street, and you’ve shown that your okay with her working this sort of job, but she’s taking advantage of your trust, and doing things that could have been avoided. Maybe giving out her number was shortsighted and naive on her part, but instead of correcting the issue and setting out boundaries with these guys or blocking, she’s done nothing to stop.
I’d reconsider your marriage, nothing wrong with her choice of career, but she’s shown she isn’t truthworthy. Sooner or later her need for attention and gifts will outweigh her concerns for you and fidelity.
I watched this ABC special about the porn industry once. It followed one particular actress for about a year. She had started doing soft core to pay bills. Then the adrenaline and confidence boosts were nearly addictive. Then got used to easy money and little by little started doing harder and harder core because it happened in inches. She had started supporting her mom and I think some minor siblings. At one point she tried to leave the industry, but once she was used to that kind of money 8/hr answering phones wasn’t cutting it.
Sounds like your GF has gotten a taste of the money and seen the lavish gifts that can come and it’s happened in inches, but it’s going to get harder and harder to walk away from. What if the next offer is a summer in Paris? Christmas in London? The money and gifts are addictive.
It’s time to sit down and have some hard conversations. She’s telling you what’s going on, it’s not as if she’s hiding it. However, you have both got to talk it through. Boundaries are essential and deciding if she can keep them and continue the work. Right now it sounds like she’s ready to blur the lines.
What she wants you to do? She wants you to say “do whatever you want and I’ll be here working two jobs when you come back.” That’s what she wants you to say. So now you know what she wants, what are you going to do?
You’re fucked bro. Do not marry her. It’s only going to end in pain. Sorry.
You realize it’s okay to say “Hey.. I don’t think this stripping gig is a good thing for our relationship anymore”, right? You are not forced to stay in a relationship with a stripper
Yep she’ll be out the door once a more attractive and wealthier man comes along. By giving out her number she’s basically giving the okay for these men to court her.
This is turning into full service sex work *real* quick. I think you need to renegotiate some boundaries and get ready to leave if you have to.
She fell for the easy money and is crossing boundaries.
It’s over
As an ex stripper, I was empathic to her until she said she wish she could have gone
I pitied my customers.i played the game to make money, giving them the minimum attention it needed, while not crossing lines… But I never felt I wanted to spend time with them
I used to be a dancer too. It’s hard to know what to do/say/how to act when you’re new to dancing and are flattered by all the attention (and in her case gifts). There’s a reason most of the girls who are there for a long time don’t give out their number or only give it to regulars. She’s being naive if she doesn’t consider the ways she can be hurt or taken advantage of in that line of work.
I’d try one more time to talk to her. Show her the comments here to maybe help her gain some clarity. Tell her that she needs to set and enforce boundaries with these customers *if* she’s going to be giving her phone number out. No texting, calling, or arranging plans besides when she’s going to be at work. No gifts- she should say that she appreciates it but can’t accept the bracelet. No spending time with customers outside of work (did she not consider the safety of being isolated out of town with a literal stranger?). She needs to realize how it’s affecting you and the implications her behaviour has on your relationship. If she can’t manage to stick to these boundaries, she should consider a different side hustle or you should reconsider the relationship. I’ve managed to be in a happy relationship with my fiancé while I was still a dancer so it is possible for dancers to have successful relationships as long as they put their relationship with their partner first.
Why would you be okay with her becoming a stripper? That’s where you messed up. Talk to her and tell her your not okay with her work anymore and would like it if she got another job.
No professional would share their personal info with fans. Whatever business they’re in. Unless maybe ulterior motives. She better stops that behavior and get a new phone, this sounds like cheating.
As a dancer myself I agree with a couple of the other dancers in these comments giveing out numbers in my side of the world isn’t part of the gig. I’m my words it’s get in get changed do ya little dancey dancey and get out like please take advice from the other dancers cause they know what their talking about and I don’t even need to say it
Draw a line bro !
Everyone wants to glaze over the fact you opened this can of worms. You encouraged her to do this to live out your own fantasy…..and was fine with it until reality intruded. Men started giving her too much attention and gifts. And then the intrusive thoughts for you happened…..*Maybe she liked getting the attention since you aren’t around. Maybe she says she wished she go on a 3 week vacation because you two don’t and can’t.*
And now you want to close the can and pretend nothing happened.
You need to be honest and talk to her. Let her know how you feel— (not blame her for shit and complain about numbers and gifts like you have been). See if quiting and working on you two is what she wants. I still don’t get why you two didn’t move to a cheaper place to start since you couldn’t afford where you live now. You need to ask and see what it is she wants….and make it clear… because based on what you have been writing… you been tip toeing around it.
You opened a pandoras box when you said you are okay with her stripping. Its going to get worse from here. The more you try to stop her, the more she will think you are preventing her from her true liberation and freedom. I would break up with her and let her live that life and move on
Looks to me she has boundary issues and need to work on it.
Of course she shouldnt go to NY w him alone, but why dont you set your jealousy and insecurity aside and you can milk some of these guys together, then spend the money to travel you and her, for example?
I mean letting your girl dance naked to strangers would fuck up your relationship, who would have seen that coming.
She should NOT be giving out her personal cell phone number or information to customers. That’s just asking for trouble! And honestly, could be dangerous. Instead, she could create a “work/business” profile on social media (Instagram, Twitter, FB) and give out that profile information to her customers instead. She could post when she’ll be working, interact with customers, and so on. I think it’s incredibly important that she keeps her personal life.. well personal. If she wants to accept gifts from customers I guess that’s up to her, but I would be worried about any potential strings attached to those gifts… I personally would not do it.
Shes enjoying the attention and gifts that shes getting from these guys and blatantly disregarding your feelings. This is only going to get worse and even if you put your foot down and force her to stop its likely she’ll just hide it from you. I’d personally break up with her.
she’s liking the attention but wants to be with you. that’s tough. if she loves and respects you, she’ll keep her distance from the clients that are trying to be too personal with her outside the club. it’s not like you’re asking her to quit her job. you only want her to not engage with these men outside her work which is completely normal. if she cares about you, and values you over what these other men can buy her or offer her, then she’ll cut contact with men outside the club. if she refuses, i would rethink your relationship and trust. it’s a bit concerning how she’s so swayed by material items.. so much so that she’s okay with disrespecting your relationship.
The boulder started rolling downhill somewhere around the time she started giving out her number. What interactions might have led to believing that was a good idea, I don’t know but that would haunt me. The boulder has been very quickly picking up speed and she’s making no attempt to stop it and salvage your relationship. There’s one helluva crash coming when that boulder hits something solid. What do you think that guys intentions are offering trips? Do you think he jumped straight to hey let me take you on a long trip or have they passed stages that would lead to that step?
Dude, I’m haunted with questions for you, and don’t see much hope as she’s not even trying to shut this down. I suspect her being an introvert before, all the attention feels glorious to her and you trying to stop it is going to come across as trying to control her. Good luck.
That’s what happens when you date a stripper…think about what you really want before it gonna hurt you
OP for your mental stability, please unfriend your stripper lady
You are never getting this woman back. Eventually she will see you as a failure, allowing her to resort to stripping to pay your combined apartment expenses. Just walk away.
Stop being a pussy and break up with her bro. The marriage won’t last.
Your fiancé is everybody’s girlfriend.
Sorry bro, this needs to be a hard line. As much as i hate ultimatums i would simply tell her, “look i don’t think you being a stripper is good for our relationship, you are giving out your number to people which after talking to others and people in the industry makes you fall more into the escort category (do not use sugar baby its a term modern society uses now to make it sound different then being a prostitute or escort but is the same thing). I think you no longer respect me or our relationship and your chasing fast money from guys who will treat you like nothing but a toy by giving you money. None of these guys will want to marry you and build a life with you, they will just use you for your body. This is your choice, but you either need to quit this job and block all these guys or our relationship is over, bc I dont want to be married to a sex worker.” Her reaction will be very telling. Most likely you will get “your insecure, i love you would never do anything, blah blah blah”. Then you end it. On the off chance she agrees with you and recommits to you, then you can work on building back, but do not get married anytime soon. Think of it this way, if she worked as a bartender and kept giving her number out you would consider that cheating, this is the same. Honestly, I think your relationship is over. She got a taste of validation, and you said she was shy, so this is like a drug to her and it happens to a lot of women. Also just bc validation is like a drug to her, it does not excuse her behavior. I bet working two jobs and not having to provide for her anymore, you will realize how much more money you can save as well. Best of luck.
Also I have casually dated a couple strippers in the past and had a brief fling with a cocktail waitress once and a weekend thing with a stripper I met out of state once. Every single one of them gave me their number without me asking. None of these situations were “money exchanged for sex” or any of that. Some guys go to strip clubs thinking the women are flirting with them bc they like the guys, i was never under this illusion, they are doing their job and making money. If they like the guys they will make the first move of giving the their number out like in my situation, at least from my experience. I would highly recommend listening to the other strippers who have commented in this thread.