This is a very complex situation but I’ll do my best 🫠
My BiL and his wife divorced 3 years ago. After about a year, he started dating his now girlfriend. After 6 months of dating they started purposefully trying to have a baby. They were successful.
My niece (16) splits time between her parents – when she’s with her mom she’s dealing with a very churchy/anti-choice situation and she hates it. Her mom is really rude and overbearing.
She prefers spending time with her dad, but his girlfriend behaviors are ruining their relationship.
GF calls my niece a b-word, constantly talks about her weight (she’s just slender) and won’t buy her food she likes (she’s a pescatarian). Her dad tries, but when she confides in him about his GFs behavior he’s dismissive of her and says things like, “you’re a child and you’re not allowed to define what adults do around you.”
There’s a lot more to this story but I think that’s the gist, so Reddit- is there a world where I can talk to my BiL and or His GF? Or do I keep being my nieces adult safe space until she can move out?
TL:DR | is there a way I can tell my BiLs GF to stop being an emotional tyrant to my niece?
26 comments
> I keep being my nieces adult safe space until she can move out?
I would do this. It’s not like something you say will magically open your BIL’s eyes or change the girlfriend’s behaviour. You can make comments to him and support him coming to his own conclusions but a big confrontation will only make him defensive.
Be a sympathetic ear and a place to get away if she needs it, and help in ways you are reasonably able.
Your post is confusing. How old is your niece? From the sounds of it, she would be about 2 years old, but I’m guessing you are talking about a different child? Please make this more clear.
Offer your niece a safe space. If you feel like you have a good relationship with BIL, tell him to get a grip and stop being such a shit. Make sure your niece knows that with you she is loved, validated, and appreciated when she is with you. One of my siblings, who I barely speak to now, treated my kids like this, and when I found out, it was on me to counteract the damage done by making sure my kids knew how great they were. I really feel for this kid, I hope things work out for her.
I might have your spouse mention to their brother that by not taking his daughters feelings seriously now and protecting her, he’s setting her up to be completely alienated to him when she moves out and he is risking his relationship with her entirely.
But beyond that I think there’s not much to be done.
Here is the thing: A good parent would go *ballistic* if their partner would call their child the b-word. So your problem isn’t the girlfriend; your problem is your BiL. He’s the parent, he’s responsible for his daughter’s mental and physical health and he’s being horrible at it. Not much can be done about the food thing, but the verbal abuse is just that – *abuse*. Your niece is being abused and her father is doing jack shit about it. And by siding with his partner, he is condoning and, with that, adding to the abuse.
So yes, be your niece’s safe space. Depending on where you live, I am not sure if something like CPS would help (given your niece’s age). In some countries, teenagers around that age can also go some legal way to already move out and live alone (I have no clue what it’s called in English, sorry). Maybe your niece can look into that with your help?
I’m not sure that there’s much you can do to change your BIL’s actions. He’s chosen his girlfriend and new kid over his old one, at least in certain ways, and he isn’t going to rock the boat. You can try, but parents who do this generally just dismiss any concerns about it.
If there is any way to finagle getting your niece therapy though, do it. Don’t say it’s about the girlfriend, just the divorce. Or whatever works. I understand, for many reasons, why it might not be possible to arrange that, but it would be very beneficial to her.
Offer to take the niece in if you can. You can expect that she will flee the house the first moment she gets and the GF will make an excuse for it and BIL will not understand what hit him.
You’re right to say that this is a very complex situation.
Blending families can be such a challenge and can put a lot of pressure on all adults and all children involved.
Here’s the thing about kids (particularly teenagers) going through this situation which I have seen: They will try to play the adults off of one another. For example, teen will arrive and Mom’s house and say, “The situation at Dad’s is unbearable. Everyone ignores me, I am made to do chores and I am emotionally neglected.” Mom takes them out for a shopping spree and some ice cream. Then, they arrive at Dad’s and say, “We really never do anything at Mom’s, maybe sometimes we go to Church but that’s it. I wish I could do fun things, I feel emotionally neglected.” And then Dad will take them out for a shopping spree and some ice cream. See how that works?
I’m not saying this is your niece, but ages 13-16 are notoriously tough for girls as they fight for attention and try to establish their identity as an almost grown-ups. Add to that the adjustment of mom and dad splitting, and having to adapt to a blended household, it can be quite a lot! For everyone involved.
Your niece may be feeling a lot of things, and Dad should definitely hear her perspective as she confides in him, but ultimately Dad is right. She can’t expect to stomp her feet and define what the adults do. For example, if her perspective is “You should just get back together with mom”.. Do you think he should do that? Just to appease her?
Also, here’s the unpopular part of my opinion: I have been a 16 year old girl before, and sometimes 16 year old girls act like b-words. Have you seen the movie Mean Girls? If she were like 4 years old it might be different but…………
So if this is a Cinderella situation and they’re making the girl sleep in the basement or starving her or something, by all means, get her out of there ASAP. But if she is lashing out toward Dad or stepmom as sometimes teens of divorced and/or blended households do, and someone in a one-off bout of frustration says “hey, stop that, you’re acting like a b-word”, it’s probably not the proudest moment for the adult, but that’s not what I would call abuse.
It’s sounds like therapy would be a good option for all parties involved here. And in the meantime, continue to be your niece’s adult safe space. Maybe even take her out for a shopping spree and some ice cream.
But otherwise I would say don’t try to get in the middle as you will just stir the pot. Besides, she’ll be 18 soon and will hopefully go off to college and start her life with all the pescatarian food she wants, and hopefully none of her roommates will call her a b-word.
Wishing everyone the best of luck as it is a tough situation.
For reference: I am a child of divorced parents.
Her Dad sure as fuck does not try in the slightest. What a deadbeat piece of shit to allow *anyone* to speak to their child like that. Reading this pissed me off.
I bet he’s going to wonder why his daughter doesn’t talk to him in 10 years.
She is *absolutely* allowed to define what adults “do around her”. She is allowed to have boundaries as a child and have them respected by adults.
So, first of all – talk to your niece.
Tell her that you see what is going on. Tell her that she ALWAYS has a place to stay with you if she needs it. Tell her what’s going on is some serious bullshit and that her father’s behavior is unacceptable. (And yes, this is about her father – because he’s supposed to be standing up for her here.)
And then the question is: if you read your BIL the riot act, will he take it out on your niece? Will he be angry at her or punish her for telling you how badly she’s treated? If you think the answer is no (but get your niece’s permission first) then read him the riot act. Let him know that he is condoning abuse against his daughter.
Talk to Niece’s mom. Share what you’re seeing, and get her on your side. But also look into what it takes for your niece to legally move in with you. You have to tread carefully here, and the laws may vary as far as either being emancipated or some sort of transferring of guardianship.
I would straight up address the girlfriend face to face calmly, but I’m in no way afraid of confrontation so really up to your discretion. That’s your family, your blood, a CHILD that she’s punking on. If her own dad won’t stand up for her, sure would. “Hey bitchassgirlfriendsname, I’ve heard you’ve said some pretty mean things to my niece and I need you to understand that that ends RIGHT NOW. That’s my family, my blood and a CHILD and she’s allowed to establish boundaries with you.”
If you are in the states, your niece could look into emancipation. My best friend did it at 17 because of how horrible and abusive her family was
The only thing you can do is confront BIL and make sure he understands. This could blow up, and he call you names and such. No longer let you and your wife around. Even force a distance with his kid and others cause of it. If you have your wife on your side, as well as other in-laws, then you can do a joint intervention on him. And the same outcome could be. But it will be better if more stands for what’s going on.
I know from experience if you speak up for the niece alone, or if it was for yourself; you will get backlash from them. And this could trickle to others in the family. Your wife needs to take the lead, and as I said, the more in-laws on board to talk to him the better. Otherwise it be him vs you on his family. And even with wife’s support, you will end up on a island.
You can either be the sole object to him on saying how bad she is being treated and he needs to take steps for her. Or have other join in to make sure he see’s the risks of loosing his adult child for good based on how she is treated. Remind him clearly, how would he feel if he heard anyone call his daughter the B word and that is what his SO does.
Jfc id beat the fuck out my bil if he was like that to his own daughter what a pos
Does this happen when you are around? If so, just bring it up as if you witnessed too much so they don’t know she’s confiding in you. “I see you,” or “I hear you,” and go about the conversation
Does her mother know about this?
What a disgusting household and awful environment for a girl to grow up in. Makes me angry that there are people like that woman.
This is abuse, and speaking as someone who was the child in a scarily similar situation, it will only get worse.
If my mother’s husband spoke about or treated my brother or I like that (and we’re both in our thirties), she’d no longer be married.
Simple.
He’s going to cost himself his relationship with his daughter.
In no way shape or form is the GFs attitude ok.
I am a stepmum and my stepdaughter used to ask me why I wasn’t like her friends stepmothers, I didn’t understand and she explained that it’s surprising that I am not judgey and rude.
Like wait what? Is that the norm? Shouldn’t be right.
The GF is a supposed to be a bonus mother to that child but instead is trying to ostracize her from her father and their relationship.
The fact your BIL is totally either oblivious or doesn’t care is awful.
Honestly I’d straight up call CPS on them. Fuck outta here.
Why is her dad letting this happen to her? Something is seriously wrong with the both of them.
Verbal abuse is assault. To commit that against a minor is reprehensible and unforgivable. Her dad is failing his daughter completely. Social Services need to get involved here.
We would like an update on what you decide to do.
Hopefully BIL figures out how terrible his behaviour is and starts fixing it before she goes no contact with both her parents.
Be there for her. Sounds like she needs it.
You should have a very assertive talk with him, make sure to let him know you’re not playing around, tell him in these word or not ” you have 1 daughter already and you’re not even taking care of her, if you actually think you’re ready have another child with the wicked witch then think about treating your new child the way you’ve treated your older one, can you ? No because you’ve been acting like a terrible father even though she looks forward to seeing you and you actually think you’re now ready to have another child with a woman that calls a 16 year old b- word, shame on you ” say this or something like this and if he doesn’t change his ways he’s not fit to be her father , I hope your nice is okay x