My (22f) ex best friend (21f) wants to be friends again. I don’t.

30 comments

1. “I will always think back fondly on our memories but I have no desire to make new ones with you. I have moved on and have my own life and have had much more confidence without you in it. I wish you all the best for the future, but this is Goodbye. Please do not contact me again.”

2. Just tell her the truth that you don’t want to be friends again.

3. I think you are making the right decision. I like how you said you have more confidence without her. Right below is a good way.

4. As she’s just hinting, you don’t need to do anything but not pick up the hints. Treat her like a guy you’re not really interested in: let calls go to voicemail, leave her on read, single word responses, you’re busy that day, etc. She’ll either pick up your hints or she’ll blow up and send you some long weepy text asking why you’re treating her this way. At that point you can just be straight with her… you forgave her, you bear her no ill will but that doesn’t mean you trust her or even really like her anymore.

5. I was in your position last year, except im a bit younger.

   She tried to be friends again and I just said while I forgave her and held to ill will, I wasn’t comfortable being friends again with her. Especially not the degree that we were before.

   Thankfully she accepted that and we’ve moved on from one another, but just be honest with her in the MOST POLITE WAY POSSIBLE. dont say anything that could be used against you. and be VERY clear.

6. Had a similar fall out around the same age as you- we didn’t talk for a few years. Missed lifetime events of one another’s (weddings, funerals etc) ended up making up and had a few good years run, only to end up in another fight that has broken us off as friends once again. It was worth it for the reconnect, and the time we did spend together but we are completely done now and I’m not sure I would mend things again. Life is short, love the people that want to be around you and support and lift you, not a friendship that has been based on years. We aren’t the same people we used to be, thankfully. Growing up and growing apart is sometimes a blessing

7. This sounds like her problem. She wants to get together? Shame you’re busy or just not fussed. If she sends messages, leave them on read. Move on with your life, without her.

8. “I wish you the best, but I’m not interested in resuming our friendship.”

9. Tell her thanks for apologizing and giving you closure but you do not plan to pursue a relationship based on her past conduct.

10. You don’t really owe her a response. Based on what you said on your comments how she crafted this drama for you and telling people you guys broke up, no need to say anything. In fact, anything you say to her to clarify your position will be used to create more drama. Just don’t reciprocate the energy. If she asks you out, tell her you’re busy or have a prior commitment ,etc.

11. i went through a similar situation and letting them back in was the worst mistake of my life. i think you are making a very healthy and smart choice for yourself and remember you don’t owe her anything. it’s ok to forgive and move on, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for that. wishing you peace and good vibes ✌️

12. This JUST happened to me earlier this summer (both 22F). I told her I will always have love for her in my heart, but can’t be her best friend anymore. I had to choose to be selfish, and just three months later I feel a weight off my shoulders

13. It’s nice to be on cordial terms where possible – I have had one or two catastrophic fallings out with friends/ exes in the past and it’s awful.

    A big part of the anxiety for me is the worry of bumping into them and there being awkwardness or a confrontation. I like to be able to say “hi’ with a smile and keep on walking.

    So personally, I wouldn’t directly tell her that you don’t want to be friends. Just be busy if she tries to pin down a date to meet up, and don’t instigate contact with her.

14. >I’m happy to text with you once in a while and see what you’re up to in life via social media and whatnot. But, I don’t want our old friendship back.

    Some small tweaks to your own statement, fleshed out with some platitudes. The short version being that she killed off that friendship. In the intervening time, you’ve changed, and no longer think a close relationship is what you’re after.

    It has to be strongly insinuated that the changes are not her fault, but the reason for those changes is entirely ~her~.

15. I think just being honest is the best course of action here. Just say you have forgiven her but you don’t want to be friends like you were anymore.

16. It’s easy to get sentimental sometimes. Personally I would just cut them out entirely. Check-ins/ “how are yous”/ really any contact at all…it serves no purpose, imo. Let the trash stay outside, get picked up and sent to the dump.

17. Honestly, I would not respond. She has had her closure. You don’t owe her anything.

18. I (28f) had a very on-again, off-again relationship with my best friend all through high school, college, and early-mid twenties. Please learn from my mistakes and don’t drag it on like I did.

    The first off-again period was freshman year of HS when she literally ghosted me. Went from talking for hours every day to straight radio silence with no explanation. It was actually quite traumatic. We made up sophomore year and were very close (although increasingly toxic and rocky) through the rest of HS.

    After painfully trying to maintain the friendship through freshman year, we both eventually expressed being unhappy with our relationship (not in the most polite ways) and cut things off. No contact for years. It was quite sad, but I eventually moved on.

    She got back in touch after graduation. We never got as close as before, but we maintained regular contact (texting and meeting up every so often) for several years. It was the WORST. Every interaction felt fake and forced and terrible. It was super polite and friendly on the surface, but there was no depth to the relationship. We just never really trusted each other again even though we had kinda talked through stuff and moved on. I wanted so bad for it to be what it once was, but it just wasn’t. It sucked.

    I decided to cut contact again about 2 years ago. Like others suggested, my responses to texts got shorter until I eventually just… didn’t respond. She got the hint and we just didn’t ever talk again. Unfriending on social media was also really important for me to be able to move on.

    And I feel so much better!! Wish I had never picked it up again those years right after college.

    She got engaged to another mutual friend who I hadn’t talked to in years. He texted me super out of the blue immediately after their engagement and I just knew it was really her trying to feel things out again. Didn’t respond and I have zero regrets.

19. >I will always think back fondly on our memories but I have no desire to make new ones with her. I have moved on and have my own life and have had much more confidence without her in it.

    I think what you wrote already is good enough to send to her if you decide to be direct and maybe a bit harsh (tweaked to be directed at her).

20. > I will always think back fondly on our memories but I have no desire to make new ones with her. I have moved on and have my own life.

    You say that to her. It’s about as succinct as it gets.

21. You tell her by telling her. You just say “hey, I forgave you but I don’t think our friendship can go back the way it was”.
    Of course, she may be angry or disappointed, but that’s just how life is. I had to do something similar and I’m way better this way

22. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.

23. Tell her exactly how you feel.

    I had a falling out with my group of friends in my 20s. The bad feelings had been building (on my end, anyway) for awhile. They were very shallow, selfish, and small minded. I ended up moving to a different country, and making new friends who accepted me and treated me well for who I was as a person (and who were actually always there for me) was a really eye opening experience. Things eventually came to a head.

    My only thing, and I stand by it years later, is that allowing things to blow up and refusing to talk or just yelling at each other if you do talk is stupid, especially with friendships that lasted a long time. Maybe one day you will feel sentimental and decide to grab lunch… It doesn’t mean you are rekindling a friendship. Personally, I think it’s nice to leave those doors open.

    In my own experience, my “friends” didn’t want to talk to me, they just wanted to talk ABOUT me. I was at the point where I didn’t consider them friends anymore, and just wanted to kind of say “it’s been fun, thanks, maybe we can catch up someday, but I’m done for now. Best of luck”. They had no interest in a conversation, so I cut them out. When I eventually moved back to the country, they tried to play nice when I saw them out, they reached out wanting to make amends.

    I blocked them all. I don’t have time for that shit.

    All of this to say, I think it’s always best to be honest and polite, but firm. You know when a friendship has run its course. Stick to that.

24. I think you’re making a good choice in not returning to the friendship I always think of that Bojack quote “I think there are people who help you become the person you end up being, and you can be grateful for them even if they were never meant to be in your life forever” you can forgive her and look back at those memories fondly but you don’t owe her your friendship or your time. you can let her know gently that it’s been a year, that allot has changed, and that even if you forgive her the dynamic between you has also changed. you aren’t best friends anymore and that’s okay.

25. This literally happened to me in 2020. I had to let go of my friend of 3 years (read: toxic) for whom I deeply cared for. He came back in 2021 and tried to apologize and wanted to become friends again. I stated that I will cherish the memories we made but cannot start from scratch and build this friendship again. He understood and we parted ways! Honestly, I do miss him here and there because everything was so easy but I do not want to go through the pain again!

26. If she directly asks, straightforwardly reply that you’re not comfortable being friends again. You can be polite and courteous and all that but not be willing to open up to a former friend. I’ve got quite a few ex friends like that and it’s been okay every time I’ve said that I wasn’t comfortable.

27. I was in your position at the same age. I wish I had your presence of mine and maturity. I took my best friend back. Back then I was very passive and sweet and she always had me on and off, based on her needs or what she wanted. As she became more inconsistent I branched off and made other friends outside of her. She soon became very controlling, jealous and territorial as I began to grow and become more distant and uninterested in someone who could treat me like that. Our ending was absolutely horrible. I finally got fed up and my reaction was explosive. What I said to her problem still triggers her to this day. Looking back now, I am no happy were are not friends. She was a taker. The friends I made outside of her I am still best friends with. I am happy for your peace OP. You could go two ways:

    1. Keep your distance and not have the conversation, she will eventually get it. It’s not ghosting as much as never make plans but I don’t recommend this route unless you feel that’s the way to go.

    2. Have the conversation. If I could save myself from the shit show that became my friendship, I would say this.

    “Hey, ____. Every time I look back at our friendship I smile. Our relationship was a huge part of what made me the person I am today. Everything that took place broke my heart but made me so much stronger. I never envisioned a life without you in it. I still don’t. Seeing your life prosper. Seeing you achieve your dreams. Hearing updates about your life makes me happy. As much as I still wish you well, and love to see you do well, I no longer can in the same capacity. The time apart while hurtful was necessary as it help me grow and become a version of myself that did not rely on you. If you ever want to text or update me on something awesome going on please do. But I cannot go back to the place we were because I am a different person now. I wish you the best.”

    Hopes it helps and you choose the right course for you OP.

28. I don’t have much else to add, but coming from the other side (I ruined a 10 year long friendship and came back many years later to apologize) you don’t owe her any reason as to why you don’t want to resume the same type of relationship with her. While it is difficult to know you won’t ever have it back, she will need to come to terms with it one way or another (and without your help).

29. I think if you don’t want to reconnect that’s fine! I recently had a friend breakup and I included stuff like other people said about how even though I didn’t want to be close friends rn, I appreciated all the memories and wished her the best. Mine was after an attempt at reconciliation that just wasn’t working for me. I don’t regret attempting that but I also don’t feel like we had the clean break/clarity like you did.

30. I forgave my ex best friend four times. She never “broke up” with me, she just ghosted me, for months at a time, for a variety of stupid reasons. Twice she ghosted me for months because she had decided in advance I was going to judge her for something she felt she had done wrong (I didn’t), once she ghosted me for four months for a pretty awful reason that financially screwed me over, and once she ghosted me for a full calendar year because she was mad at me for moving away, even though she moved first.

    Point is, the fifth time she ghosted me was literally just not responding to a message saying I might not be able to come visit her after all, because my sister tried to kill herself. So a week later, I broke up with her. I still deeply regret that I let myself be so taken advantage of for so long. It’s been four years since I ended the friendship, and I still think about her and the good times fondly, but I think about the bad things much more frequently.

    I wish I had ended it years earlier. I think you are making the right decision, regardless of the reason it ended. If you don’t want to go back, I just want to validate to you that it’s okay, that it’s not wrong, and that you are not crazy to feel that.

    Anyway, maybe just a message, or perhaps when she starts hinting at things, just shut it down politely until she understands. Either way you would be fine, the friendship is done, and not by your hands, and both is polite and setting boundaries.