For context me (24m) have been seeing this girl (26f) for over a month now. She’s fun to be around when it’s just her and I. The sex is great and there is a lot of chemistry there in terms of wanting a healthy relationship. About 2 weeks into us talking and seeing each other she was already there and wanting something serious. I haven’t dated for the last 4 years and I didn’t want to dive right into anything. When she talks it’s always about future “us” and where she sees “us” going. I always try to play it down as not to hurt her feelings but I don’t think that she completely understands it. Then when I bring her around my friends she can be a completely different person, one moment she’s very happy hard to keep up with and then one moment she can be pissed off at someone or me for nothing. I’m a very easy going person and very logical in the way that I think or do things and she’s a very hyperactive and emotional person that can be very hard to satisfy or keep up with. I don’t want to hurt her but I also don’t want to string her along out of respect to her. How long is long enough to figure out where I’m at?
Edit: thank you all for your comments and advice. I picked her up tonight and we talked for a couple hours. I apologized to her for being vague and was as clear as I could be. She appreciated it and was as clear as she could be as well. We did find common ground on that we do like each other. We were both completely wasted the first time we had sex and continued it the other times we hung out. We both weren’t planning on it and agreed to take it slower in the bedroom. I apologized for bringing her around friends if it caused her any frustration (I live with some of my best friends who happen to have girlfriends) so I could plan and ask what they’re doing better. She also admitted that she moves pretty fast to a fault and understood my concern of moving fast. She also opened up about being in some abusive relationships and having to deal with some personal issues and I was a nice change of pace for her from previous relationships. We agreed to take it slower, but also work over any hurdles we’re dealing with to better ourselves. If those paths grows us together then great but if not we’ll be good friends hopefully 🙂
11 comments
I think you’re already there. Just let her know that you don’t see the two of you being compatible long-term and you don’t want to lead her on by going any longer?
If you don’t see anything serious with her, why are you introducing her to your friends and continuing seeing her? I think if she’s telling you she wants something serious and you know you don’t want that with her, it’s cruel to keep seeing her. I’d end things now and own up to any confusion caused on your end, as it seems there has been.
Question is more “How soon after I realize I don’t feel a spark should I end things?” and, for me, the answer is: ASAP. Unless you’re on the same page about things being casual and temporary (and sounds like you are NOT on the same page), it’s pretty misleading and unkind to continue seeing her. You’re right to worry that you’re stringing her along. Cut the cord already. (If the ~relationship~ is less than a few months, I like to just text and say “something is not clicking.”)
If you had real chemistry you would both be crazy for each other. Don’t confuse chemistry for connection, chemistry is the matching pheromones of 2 people that play a big role in mating. You can find someone attractive but lack the chemistry.
She could be hostile around your friends because she doesn’t feel any security with you.
Dude, you’re being the guy that strings a girl along. You know she wants something serious. You’re introducing her to your friends, sleeping with her, pretending to be her boyfriend, but telling her you don’t want to be. This is weird.
I think you just don’t want a relationship with her. Try to really investigate why you’re dragging your feet. You’ve been single for four years, but don’t want to rush into a relationship? You’ve rushed by sleeping with this girl and inserting her into your life in only a months time.
You say you don’t want to rush, but are doing the opposite.
She’s looking for a relationship and wants to know if you’re looking for one too. It’s not a hard question. If the answer is no, stop wasting her time.
Long enough to sort out your feelings – any amount of time that takes is okay. But once you do now for sure, you should take action
It’s clear you already know you aren’t a good fit, so as soon as you know, you need to act.
There is no minimal ‘giving it a chance’ with this stuff. The further you go the more hurt you cause. Ideally it is best to end it before sex (unless it started with a hookup of course, that would be impossible) because of the attachment it can cause. When she starts talking about you two’s future you’re already too late for it to be easy.
Btw, you’ve already been stringing her along. You know she wants a serious relationships, which you aren’t ready for. Also you’re already seeing friends with her which is normally relationship stuff rather than dating phase stuff, so you’re already in way too deep to expect it not to hurt. Accept that you’re going to hurt her and hurt her more the longer you continue this.
Sounds like you already figured it out.
I was just in this situation except I was the one who wanted more and she didn’t. I managed to make it two months but at that point I just couldn’t do it anymore. We both agreed that we weren’t on the same page and called it off. It was tough but I think I’m better off now than I was trying to hold out for something that maybe wasn’t gonna happen.
Stop stringing her along. That’s hurtful and you clearly have problems.