My (21F) fiancé (22M) doesn’t want to me hang out with my grad school classmates.
I’m a first year grad student, and I moved 12 plus hours away from my fiancé to attend school. I’m new to the area, so I don’t really know anyone/haven’t made any friends yet. Whenever the other students in my program try to plan any sort of get together (going out to a bar, dinner, etc.) my fiancé doesn’t want me to join. My program is about 75% male to 25% female, so naturally at any of these outings there’s far more guys than girls. I’ve expressed to him that I want to make friends and not be isolated from my classmates, but he keeps getting hung up on the fact that “I want to hang out with other men” (his exact words) and that’s how he keeps describing the situation. He doesn’t acknowledge me wanting to hang out with my female classmates, he always immediately jumps into “why do you want to hang out with other guys so badly” every time I bring this topic up. I’ve even reassured him that I won’t go out if it’s an all male group, only if there’s other women present, but he still doesn’t like it. He says that it’s inappropriate for me to hang out with other guys when he lives 12 hours away. He says it makes him uncomfortable, and that I don’t respect our relationship for wanting to “hang out with these other men.”
He will be moving to be with me in a few months, and he says he’ll be okay with me going out then, but for the next few months he just wants me to respect his wishes and not go out with my classmates.
He also keeps making subtle jabs at me about being a cheater, but then he tries to play it off as a joke. I feel like I have to keep defending myself and my actions to him, even though I feel like I’m not doing anything wrong.
We’re supposed to get married next year. We’ve been together 4 plus years and I don’t want to throw away our whole relationship over a disagreement like this. I don’t know what to do. I’m extremely lonely right now as it is, and I don’t want to be completely alone by breaking off the engagement. I really need help, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Any advice would be appreciated.
TLDR: My fiancé doesn’t want me hanging out with opposite sex classmates, even after I’ve expressed that I feel isolated.
47 comments
And why are you letting your fiancé act like he’s your father and you’re just some child?
Yes, this doesn’t fly.
You need to tell him, in no uncertain terms, “No.”
You need to tell him that he’s being unreasonable, that you’re going to go make friends, and if he can’t handle that, then he is the one choosing the end the relationship.
>He also keeps making subtle jabs at me about being a cheater, but then he tries to play it off as a joke
This is not okay. And, look, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but this is a HUGE sign of cheating … on his part. This kind of play-defense-by-playing offense thing keeps you on your toes so that you’re so desperate for peace that you ignore any sorts of warning signs on his part. You don’t even want to bring up the IDEA of him doing something wrong because you know he’s just going to light in on you again.
If he makes a jab about you being a cheater, you call him out on it, you literally say, “Fuck you that’s bullshit.” And If he says “I’m joking” you say, “Jokes are funny. What was funny about that? Don’t say that shit anymore.”
But honestly? Just tell him “no.” And don’t tolerate his bullshit.
You’ve been together since you were 17, you’re only 21 now and think that you’ll be extremely lonely if you break up with him? I’m sorry to sound harsh, but…girl. Come on.
I’m telling you from personal experience as someone who is 30, working on my 2nd master’s degree and can attest that the amount of growth you go through in your 20s and especially in grad school is huge. A large part of that is the experiences you have meeting new people and doing new things after college, but also establishing yourself professionally and figuring out what you really want from your life’s trajectory. You already took the huge initiative to move 12+ hours away from your high school to go to grad school. It would be a huge loss for you to allow a high school sweetheart who is engaging in controlling behavior to dictate the terms of the social and professional experiences you can engage in. That network is probably one of the biggest “hidden” elements of grad school and it’s still very important career-wise after your degree. You will miss out if you don’t engage in it.
It seems like he’s scared and upset that you’re growing up and moving away from him in more than just physical ways, and he’s trying to control your behavior in response and preserve the relationship as it was. That’s impossible though, because people change so much at this point in their lives even if they don’t leave the place they were born.
I understand you’re engaged but…why? If you guys really wanted to spend your life together, why didn’t your fiance plan to move with you? If that wasn’t a good option for whatever reason, then why isn’t he at least being encouraging and supportive of all of the opportunities you have right now? Why doesn’t he trust the woman he’s planning on marrying to go get dinner and do, what, complain about research setbacks and TA duties with the people who really get it? You can’t have a social life because some of these potential friends and current colleagues are men? Does that really bode well for your future together?
Beyond all of those normal relationship questions, you also need to understand this as objectively a huge red flag for abuse. It’s absolutely at the very LEAST controlling behavior. Separating and isolating victims is one of the first steps in larger patterns of abusive behavior, and he’s using the classic BS of “I don’t want you to be around other men” as his justification. I would think really long and hard about how you would view this situation if it was not your relationship, but a friend who came to you and told you all of this was happening to her. Prioritize yourself and your own well-being, because he’s already trying to sabotage it.
He is isolating you from making friends. He’s also insulting your integrity, your morals and your reputation.
You’ve tested the relationship, probably for the first time and he is melting down. He’s showing you who he really is: untrusting, misogynistic, insecure and demanding. If you actually think it’s going to get better, you’re only fooling yourself. If you do what he wants to keep him happy, you’ll be doing that for the rest of your life, while he moves the goalposts for “happy” further and further away from reality.
Perhaps you should revisit the relationship after you graduate. Give you both some time to grow as individuals before deciding to get chained to a drowning man.
>He also keeps making subtle jabs at me about being a cheater, but then he tries to play it off as a joke.
I mean he’s telling you he thinks you’re a wh*re who would cheat on him if he doesn’t keep you under supervision. Do not let him move in with you.
Absolutely don’t put up with this. He’s controlling you, he doesn’t trust you, he’s waffling and changing his mind to try to keep you small. You need friends and a support system that isn’t him, and further than that your classmates will some day be colleagues and contacts in your field. You need to have a good relationship with them, to get jobs, opportunities, grants, introductions to their eventual coworkers. You know the phrase “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know”? This is when you meet them and develop relationships with them.
If your partner can’t handle that reality, and doesn’t trust you, you shouldn’t fold yourself to try to fit what he wants – that isn’t really you, and it won’t work long-term.
The years are never wasted, you gained experience with that and now know better.
If you are constantly on edge, wary about his reaction, anxious about his jabs – do you really need this in your life?
Yes, it will be annoying, that you spent 4 years with him, maybe he was different before, but imagine the next 5, 10, 15 years with him – wouldn’t it have been easier to cut him off at 4?
This is abuse! Jesus christ, run while you still have the chance. Everything in you is telling you to run. Do you have a history of being made to shut down your instincts and do things you didn’t want to do? He will only isolate you more. This is not normal. Run, for the love of god, run. I didn’t run away and lived through a year of sheer hell. Run.
Yeah don’t marry this guy. He’s too immature and I can’t even imagine how he’ll control you once you are married.
Well that’s one hell of a red flag. His behavior is possessive and toxic. It is NEVER okay for a partner to try to isolate you from other people. You are young and entering a new chapter of your life. Making connections in grad school is important, and he is trying to stop you from doing that. I highly recommend reconsidering marriage. You are young and you’ve been in this relationship for your entire adult life, so it’s easy to not see the warning signs. But they are very much there.
I’ve done grad school, and have the PhD to prove it, so I am speaking for a point of experience.
He says you are not respecting him. That’s a load of BS and an attitude that needs to stay in the 1950s where it belongs. It is two thousand fucking twenty two, and you are engaged to him. That is it. You are not his slave and you are not his property. He is trying to control you the way you would control a child.
What is he going to do if you have to work with a guy? Tell you that you can’t? What about when you start having office hours and have to teach? What about when you go present your work at a conference and there is an evening mixer? Not being able to make friends or go out with colleagues for supper or a drink is going to make your graduate studies infinitely more difficult to deal with.
You need to be able to discuss things with people who will understand what you are going through.
And it is in no way disrespectful to go out for supper (not a date) with males you work with. Him trying to control you like this will mean that he will try to control you in a similar way when you are living together.
It’s bullshit.
The number one sign of an abuser is that he tries to isolate you from friends. This guy does not trust you, and he insults you about being a cheater and then pulls the “Aw, I was only kidding” card, which is another kind of abuse. Do NOT marry this guy; it will get worse and more controlling after you’re married. And while he’s saying now that he’ll be OK with your going out with male friends once he’s moved to where you are, I bet money he’ll change his mind and try to keep you isolated with lines like, “You have me, why do you want to go out with them?”
This is not a “disagreement” — it’s mental abuse. Run away from him as fast as you can. I’m not mincing words here, have spent the last year trying to help a family member out of an abusive relationship, and I don’t think she’ll ever be the happy, outgoing, friendly person she was before JerkMan got hold of her and messed up her mind and her feeling of self-worth.
Run. Fast. Drop this guy and focus on your studies and making new friends. Do not allow him to manipulate you
All of the above comments, yes. If you want to stay with this guy and marry him, set some boundaries NOW. He is in charge of dealing with his insecurities, but instead he’s trying to control your behavior so that he doesn’t have to feel insecure. If you want to live a life with him where you have friends of the opposite sex, or even colleagues of the opposite sex, you have to stop giving in to his shit and start calling it what it is: he’s not trusting you because he is insecure.
Tell him you’ll be ending the conversation if he alludes to you being a cheater. Tell him your happiness is dependent on making friends and having other people besides him (women and men) in your life. Let him know that it’s his responsibility to trust you and that you’ve given him no reason to doubt that (assuming that’s true) and you deserve his trust, and will continue to honor your relationship. And now it’s his job to honor you and your relationship by discontinuing his jabs and controlling behavior.
Tell him that you want to hang out with men because you work in a male-dominated field and networking is important. Because it is. Network with your classmates even if it makes him angry. You can be a loyal partner with integrity even if he is insecure.
My ex would do that, I could only come to the conclusion over time when they’d accuse me of this or that there’s no point in defending myself…who I was friends with literally flirts with everyone but because they were never really trying to hear me out they kept doing it over an over until pushing us apart. Good luck.
I was in your position and my boyfriend didn’t like me hanging out with my friends. I decided to appease him and not see my friends just because I didn’t want the fights. I still message with them but haven’t seen most in ages. Now I’m so disconnected and have serious regrets. It’s hard to leave him now as I put all my eggs in one basket and trusted him as my support system. I think sometimes we focus too much on our romantic relationships than other relationships, and we let the romantic relationships sabotage those other relationships. It’s important to have people in your life besides your partner. We are meant to be social, not just romantic. I isolated myself because my partner wanted that and now I’m all alone, depressed, and he knows he can treat me like crap because I don’t have a support system outside of him. I damaged my friendships and it was not worth it. Any good guy will understand you need to have friends and connection to your community, ESPECIALLY in grad school. Please don’t do what I did , your boyfriend needs to understand your needs and learn to trust you and not be insecure
This is not just a disagreement. This is him being controlling and it won’t stop once he comes to live with you. If anything it’ll get worse.
Don’t let him move in with you and for the love of God, don’t marry this man. He’s a walking red flag.
Stand up for yourself. He’s 12 hours away. Why does he have so much control over you? Just go out to be with your friends and don’t tell him. And again, don’t let him come to you in person. Because then this will get worse. He will likely get physically abusive in an attempt to keep you isolated.
Run.
OP, I am not going to add much here, because so many wise people have spoken. I second everything they have mentioned. Your fiancee is controlling and there are some red flags in his behavior about potential abuse. Please, break this off, at least for some breathing room and time to think? I was engaged in graduate school and I met someone else. I fell in love. It happens, sometimes people grow apart. It sounds like that is what is happening. All the best!
That’s a really huge unhealthy red flag. It’s healthy to have a social life separate. It’s not healthy to isolate your partner out of fear and jealousy.
You want to hang out and develop relationships with your PEERS.
When you finish your education, are you going to work in a convent?
Please for the love of everything good, do NOT marry this living breathing red flag
do not marry this man. its downhill from here
My ex was mentally abusive and pushed me from friends and family. My family relationship went downhill, I lost all my friends. Had male best friends but had to push em out for him.
Worst decision ever. No one can force you or persuade you to leave him. I stayed for 3 whole years, and each day, each month continued to be worse than before, and i was completely alone. No friends or family there for me.
Pushing away friends is the first sign. Don’t stay for the next few, until you can’t leave. Keep your friends, enjoy your life. Remember a relationship is on the side of YOUR life. It shouldn’t control who you’re friends with, or what you do in life (obviously there’s boundaries).
This is really not good 🚩🚩🚩
I had a high school boyfriend who did this when I first got to college. I missed out on making friends my first year, and bitterly always regretted it. I wish I had dumped him ASAP, once I did my life got infinitely better
controlling, run, break up with this dude please OP and go live your damn life. D:
I’m sorry that you’ve invested so much time in this relationship, but it doesn’t sound like it will work out. He seems to be “punishing” you for things you haven’t even done, forcing you to always be defensive. He seems possessive and weird about your relationships with other people. This can get even worse after you get married and he feels he’s “locked you down.”
When I started grad school, my husband and I were in the middle of moving, unpacking, etc. There was an orientation drinks and my husband literally pushed me out the door even though I was exhausted because he knew how important it was for me to make connections in grad school— not only for personal reasons but for professional reasons too!
He was always happy for me to go out to drinks with my grad school friends alone because all we did was talk “shop” and he found that so borrrring!
Ten bucks that even after he moves to you, he will still be like this and don’t want you hanging out with them. He will claim that he’s here now, why would you rather go out hanging with other guys than spend time with him. It’s not a joke if no one else finds it funny; it is appropriate even if you hang out with just the guys. His issue is more than not trusting them, it’s also not trusting you; whether he is 12hrs away or not doesn’t change how he thinks. This is more than just a ‘disagreement’; it’s controlling behavior. You have a whole life ahead of you, don’t throw away a chance for better future. You won’t be lonely if you break off the engagement cus you finally get to go out and make friends without getting pressured or guilt-tripped
“We’ve been together 4 plus years and I don’t want to throw away our whole relationship over a disagreement like this.” You need to throw away your whole relationship. Now. Do it now. He is clearly immature and controlling. You can do much better. Go out with your colleagues, learn and grow.
>He also keeps making subtle jabs at me about being a cheater, but then he tries to play it off as a joke. I feel like I have to keep defending myself and my actions to him, even though I feel like I’m not doing anything wrong.
This is a deliberate tactic to get you to second guess yourself. You know you’ve done nothing wrong. But you have no way to prove yourself which is extremely frustrating. In order to prove your “loyalty”, you may be more inclined to do what he asks, which isolates you and makes it easier for him to do it again and again. If you have no friends, it gets harder and harder to untangle yourself from him.
Is accusing you of cheating over nothing really something that a good partner would do? Would you do it to him? If the answer is no, why is it acceptable for him to constantly accuse you of cheating but you wouldn’t do the same (in the same situation of just being a joke, having no evidence). You deserve better than this. This will not change when he moves in with you. You may be more tempted to isolate at that time since he actually has the capacity to know when you’re at home vs out.
My best friend Zach recently broke up with his partner of 8 years. It’s been 4 months and it’s been… messy. At the very beginning of their relationship, their partner saw an old kik message and held it over his head for the entirety of the relationship. So, because he had done nothing wrong, Zach basically bent over backwards to prove that he wasn’t going to cheat. Around year 5, Zach left for college. During that time, he found out that his partner had been reading his Facebook messages because they accused him of cheating on someone he had just made friends with and had messaged a few times. He was made to feel punished by his partner for having done absolutely nothing. When they broke up, he had to do so much extra work, in and out of therapy, to understand where his sense of self ended and his partner began. He sacrificed so much unnecessary shit just to appease his partner that he felt as if he had lost part of his identity.
Maybe this is just a fluke, and he just doesn’t realize that he’s being ridiculous, but you must not let these things go unchecked. You need to be absolutely firm with him that you have a right to make friends (with men too!) and that he has no say over what you do and do not do with your social life. You are a sensible adult and you can make smart decisions. Don’t let him make you feel like you need to do anything out of the ordinary to get him to feel “secure.” If he has a problem with that, then you need to kick this guy out of your life! There are so many more men in the world who can treat you with the respect and trust you deserve.
As an ending aside… what kind of person takes back an offer to move in together and then, after the lease has been signed, decides “nope nevermind I’m moving in now.” That is most likely against your lease and I really caution you to at least put your foot down and tell him he needs to wait until the lease is renewed.
You’re going to be lonely whatever you choose.
The real question is how long you’ll be lonely for.
If you break up with this jerk, you’ll be lonely for a little while until you make some new friends and maybe even find a new boyfriend.
If you stay with him, you’ll be lonely for as long as the relationship lasts. As he keeps you isolated and fearful of angering him.
Don’t let him move out to you.
Dump him now.
Build a life that makes you happy. Not one where you’re constantly walking on eggshells.
Listen to me. This is extremely bad. I was about your age and engaged to somebody who did the exact same thing and I was young and didn’t have a strong sense of boundaries and I just let all of my relationships with her away. It never got better and here I am 17 years later and I am still mourning all of those friendships. Men like this do not change. They just don’t. Not for you. Abusers all follow the same kinds of patterns and this is an example of abuse. Isolation, whether forced or coerced, is an abuse tactic. Please, for the love of god, do not marry this man. The chance for him to ruin your life is too high.
He sounds exactly like my loser ex-boyfriend I dated from 17-20 – my biggest regret was not ending it sooner. Get out now while you are still young; there are better men out there. It will be very hard but it will be worth it. It seems like he probably proposed because he is afraid of losing you so he tried to lock you down. Sorry if this is harsh but there is no rush to get married… you are only going once and you don’t want to waste your time being with someone who doesn’t encourage you to enjoy life to the fullest.
Sorry if I am projecting and misreading the situation, but I just don’t want you to miss out on life like I know I was when I was with my ex
OP i just read the first phrase but it was enough. If someone is telling other not to hangout with other people something serious is wrong. Human interaction with different people are needed. I always tell my gf to hang out more with her friends (she most of the times says no to them) because having friends is part of having a good and healthy lifestyle and we should always keep our good friends nearby! No relationship is worth not having friends…
Do you really want to marry someone who accuses you of cheating and says you’re desperate to run around with other men because you want to get to know your graduate cohort? I’m assuming your field may also be male dominated—what will he say when you primarily work with men? Will he try to push you to quit?
What you’re describing isn’t really a disagreement—it’s a fundamental difference in viewpoint and in the way you treat each other. This relationship is not a sustainable entity long term if you want to be happy.
You need to throw away your whole relationship, not because of a disagreement but because he is controlling and possessive and that will not get better.
Do not let him come to move in with you. Do not marry him. Please talk to a counselor, talk to your family, talk to your friends from back home. Do not stay isolated. Go out with your friends from the program. And build up the strength to leave him.
So you’re 21 and already not allowed to make friends.
Your future sounds fun…
Seems like a lot of sunk cost fallacy going on here. The fact you’ve been together 4 years is kind of irrelevant. You’re moving on with life. You’re extremely lonely. Of course you’re lonely, your fiance won’t let you make new friends.
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>He also keeps making subtle jabs at me about being a cheater, but then he tries to play it off as a joke. I feel like I have to keep defending myself and my actions to him, even though I feel like I’m not doing anything wrong.
I know you don’t want to break up, but jeez. You really need to think about this. I highly recommend you NOT move in together. No, I’ll be honest. I highly recommend you break up. If after you’re done with college you reconnect and things happen, fine, but go live your life without this crap.
Girl it’s already over. He’s controlling. Either he’s just insecure, or he has already cheated.
This controlling behaviour is right up there with the ex partner of a friend of mine who insisted that she be on the phone with him from the moment she walked in the door in the evenings, all while dealing with 3 kids. He would only hang up after she fell asleep at night. She told me that it was “romantic that he wanted to be as involved as possible” in her life….. I was like, nnnnnooooo that’s him making sure that you aren’t talking to anyone else except him and the kids for 5 hours each night after work.
This is control and at 21 you need to spread your wings. Tell him not to bother moving and go and live your best life girl.
Girl I’m sorry but this is unacceptable and controlling behaviour from your boyfriend.
I know because I’m also 21 and my boyfriend is 22, we’ve been dating for almost 6 years now so also high school sweethearts. We’re not engaged though. In our first year of uni we were studying at different places that are an hour apart. It doesn’t seem like much but we couldn’t see each other during the week and seeing each other on the weekend was dependent on other factors.
In that year we encouraged each other to make new friends. He was excited when I told him about new friends that I had made, regardless of their gender and I was excited for him when he made new friends. I used to have a male friend that lived in the same building as me and we would watch love island together on occasion, just me and him. My boyfriend did not care, he trusted me. The two of them eventually met and we’re all still good friends to this day!
What your boyfriend is doing is toxic. Asking you not to have a social life until he moves there? That’s bullshit, I’m sorry.
If you let him continue with this controlling behaviours, you’re not going to look back on your grad school years in a positive light. Because all you will remember is how you could not have friends, you were lonely, no one to work with or relate to and all of it because of your fiancé. Is it worth it?
You’re not going to be alone if you break it off because you can then actually go and make friends and hang out with people.
Every person who has replied to this thread has mentioned his controlling behaviour is a red flag. 74 people’s experiences so far. There’s a correlation for ya. We’ve ALL been there or watched someone close who has. We know how it feels.
Please don’t dismiss this or ‘let him explain’. It’ll get better and then worse and in a few years you’ll regret staying with this guy.
Sorry but why are you with this dude? If you think he’s controlling now imagine when you’re married. You’re very young, focus on school and start over with someone who’s less insecure or you’ll live to regret it.
Honey, you’re still *so* young. He’s not the only man who’s going to want you…and there are men out there who are secure and comfortable and would have no problem with you seeing your friends. Why is THIS jackass the one you’re sticking with?
You do realise if you stay with him and he does move in with you
Bye bye to any social life – you won’t be able to breathe without his say so
Dump his controlling abusive ass
> We’ve been together 4 plus years and I don’t want to throw away our whole relationship over a disagreement like this
This isn’t just a disagreement. This is a lack of trust, and lowkey emotional abuse (making “joking” jabs about you being a cheater.) He doesn’t think you can be around other men, *in a public space*, without something happening. I’d absolutely be breaking up over this.
First step of any abuser, isolate their victim from any support network.