First off, I (38f) have talked extensively to my fiancé (38m) about the fact that I have never been sexually attracted to him and that I never did the whole “fall in love” thing with him. This isn’t a secret. He knows it. We actually do have a great relationship in so many other aspects. We are supportive of each other; have similar interests and shared hobbies; similar humor; get along well with each other’s families, have similar life goals and priorities, etc. Essentially, it’s a great friendship. We are a wonderful support system for one another and provide companionship.
He is actually a pretty good looking dude, but I have never been sexually / chemically attracted to him. He proposed knowing that our sex 3-4 times a month probably would never change. He proposed knowing that, while I do indeed love him, I’m not in love with him. He \*is\* very in love with me, would do anything for me, etc. He is very sexually interested in me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right thing marrying him.
I think I may want a child and I’m 38. The truth is that I probably won’t find anyone else at this stage of life to give that to me, and I can’t afford the IVF process so that isn’t really an option for me. I’m not 100% sure I want a kid, but I know that if I leave this relationship the option is off the table. I wonder sometimes if it’s wrong for me to go forward getting married to him knowing that I don’t love him how he loves me and that I don’t particularly feel physically drawn to him? I worry that I’ll never have the opportunity to fall in love again and feel that really magical and special connection to another person. But, I also think that we don’t always get everything we want in life and it’s possible I may not find that outside of this relationship anyway. I’d love people’s thoughts– even the ones from the trolls haha
TL:DR I’m not in love with, nor do I have chemistry with my fiancé and he knows this. But I’m marrying him anyway because we do get along well, are well suited in our friendship and as a support system, and I want a kid. Would you find this to be enough of a reason to stay?
35 comments
Maybe but you won’t be happy
No, I want a relationship with someone who I’m inlove with and who loves me but, to each their own.
You are doing a disservice to this man. He deserves someone that will love him wholly and totally.
How would you feel if he had said the same thing to you? “I am only with you because I might want a child soon. I am not in love nor attracted to you.”
Let this man be loved.
And if children are that important to you, there are so many other ways to be a parent..
Your relationship is purely transactional, your kids will get all kinds of wrong ideas about relationships and sex if they grow up in this and it will screw them up. Its a toxic environment for kids.
Its better to seperate (not living in the same house) and co-parent that way (alternating weeks) if you really want kids with this guy.
I’d love to hear from people that have lived this choice.
I am unqualified to speak on it as I won’t ever have children. 44m, 10 years into a not healthy relationship. It hurts and it takes a lot of good friends, fulfilling career, and flexibility in all sorts of ways to feel fulfilled.
I want to say real compatibility, good enough that you can honestly and peacefully let go of the things that aren’t what you would like, is essential to a happy relationship/life. With the drive/love for your own family and your age… I want to talk about things that I shouldn’t: freezing your eggs, adoption, the actual real numbers on pregnancy in your future. How is your support network, friends, family, savings/economic security eetc… but really this is all your business.
In my relationship, I feel like there was a fundamental dishonesty and betrayal from the beginning. It’s very very hard for resentment not to grow and become toxic.
When you balance out things like having children, security, and your fears/loneliness… add in your partner’s life and feelings. Are you honest with him? Have you talked about those things? What does it mean if you stay with him without being honest about the most important things? It’s scary, but if you are going to commit to some one for marriage and children… in my opinion, you should really lay your cards on the table and take a long look at his. Maybe take a weekend and visit friends or family that you can talk about the real stuff with. Sincerely, i wish you the best.
Don’t stay if you’re not in love!! In this day and age you REALLY thing that you won’t find anyone else??? In the 90s my mom had me in her 40s, so you can definitely still have a kid if you choose to find someone else, I mean I might be a little bonkers… but the point is that my mom had me at an age older than you. Don’t make both of you suffer if you’re not really in love with him. A friendship is wonderful, but it’s just that, a friendship, not a romance. The time you’re both wasting can be time that you’re actual love is waiting for you. Don’t settle!!! You both deserve someone who loves you!
Well, at 38 I don’t think you really have time to think you “may” want a child. If you want one, the time is now, or better yet a few years ago. I’m not sure why you kept dating and got engaged to someone you aren’t in love with or attracted to…but you did, so if you seriously want kids and he is on board, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. But are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with this man? To be there if he gets sick, rely on him to support you if you do, go through the ups and down of childrearing together? If you can honestly say that you will be there with him until death and you want kids, I say go for it.
I (36f) left a marriage like this when I was 34. I haven’t found anyone else yet, and I think I do want kids but I found it unsustainable to be in the relationship. To me, it is better to be alone and maybe not have kids then to be in a relationship that I felt something was missing from. This is our “one wild and precious life” to quote Mary Oliver. Of course, this is all my perspective, everyone has to make this sort of decision on their own.
Have you ever been in love with someone else?
Have you tried therapy for yourself? I’m not saying you can make yourself fall in love or be sexually attracted, but do you think it’s you being guarded or protecting yourself or not being in touch with your feelings? I’m just asking because you say you care about him and you have sex and you are very close friends.
“Chemistry” like you put it does exist, but it’s temporary and in a long relationship is something you have to work on to keep, there are ups and down, and it changes in different ways. This is not chemistry of love
[https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/#:~:text=High%20levels%20of%20dopamine%20and,eat%20and%20can%27t%20sleep.](https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/#:~:text=High%20levels%20of%20dopamine%20and,eat%20and%20can%27t%20sleep)
>while I do indeed love him, I’m not in love with him.
This is not like in the movies. Could you confusing infatuation with love? Maybe you’ve been together for a long time and you are just comfortable with each other. Every relationship is different and you do seem to have a good relationship.
>lack of “in love” kind of adrenaline is something I think about-
This happens more at the beginning of the relationship (see link above). Then it comes and goes and it takes work.
>lack of sex
Are you on any birth control? Maybe you just have a low libido. Sex once a week is average according to surveys and that’s how often you are having sex.
I think therapy would give you some perspective. It’s very difficult to know if what you write is due to lack of perspective or if you really don’t feel nothing for the guy.
What would you do in the event you do meet that someone after you marry this guy?
I think this could work but remember that marriage is a vow. Feel like some people forget that now a days but thats what it is and it’s a lifelong commitment.
If you proceed you’ll be starting a family with someone you’re not in love with. You’ll have to support him through all the struggles that come with parenting and him you. Maybe love Can come from that but that’s a maybe. If you meet someone great at work it’s disrespectful and breach of your lifelong vow you took if you try to pursue, meaning you’re only taking advantage of him. So if you can look him in the eyes and say that you won’t leave him, and be faithful, and raise a family, and he’s okay with all of this. I can see it working. But I’m also really confused on the dynamic of your relationship.
There are people in arranged marriages that don’t love each other in the beginning, there are people that decide to have a kid and coparent as friends, there are people who cohabitate and act as a couple but don’t have sex, there are people that love each other but are asexual and don’t feel attraction. These and other non traditional circumstances can work if theres mutual respect, good communication, honesty about intentions, and you work as equal partners in the life you build together.
Side note though, what you describe are the foundations of a deeply loving and supportive relationship, the only thing absent is the attraction (libido) part and the “falling in” love part. So I’m wondering what you’re expecting or looking for in regards to love? If it’s fireworks and butterflies, those things come from anticipation, anxiousness, and uncertainty. Some people just aren’t wired that way or the set up of their life doesn’t create many opportunities for those types of feelings. It’s quite possible you deeply love and care for him, but in a quiet consistent manner, not a loud turbulent way.
Additionally, have you made sure this isnt a different kind of problem than you might think? Lacking in attraction and not feeling “in love” both can be due to a health issue, poor diet/sleep/excise, or if you’re asexual/aromantic. Also trauma is a big one here, if you have avoidant attachment or if you have trauma around relationships, emotional vulnerability, trust, sexuality/attraction it can be harder to feel attraction or fall in love. It’s less a reflection on your feelings or compatibility with your partner and more a reflection on your life experiences. Maybe explore these avenues to rule those things out or see if they apply as it might help you feel more comfortable to make a decision, or feel better about the decision you do make. Good luck.
Ok but if you want a child with this man you’ll have to have sex more than just 3-4 times a month for it to happen. Tbh he deserves someone better.
I feel like your standing in the way of him finding someone who truly loves him. You said yourself you take care of him, have sex with him etc. He’s made it clear how he feels and so have you, instead of ending the relationship to find someone who you are in love with you stay with him for personal gain. Of course he’s going to stay! You give him just enough to hope for a chance in the future, that maybe he can get you to love him back the same way he loves you. I know you’re not forcing him to stay with you, but it seems massively unfair and wrong to stay in a relationship because you might not have enough time to find someone else to have a kid with. I think you’re being selfish, and if you did love him, you’d let him find someone who loved him that same way he loves. At the very least go to couples therapy to figure out the root cause of this.
This sounds like an absolutely terrible idea. What happens if he eventually wants to feel loved romantically? What happens if you find someone that you actually have a connection with? Im not understanding why you can’t just not get married and keep the friendship you have that’s already great. Why bring a child into it? I understand wanting a child but this just sounds like settling to me. I also feel really bad for your fiancé as he’ll never know what it’s like to have someone be in love with him. It seems really selfish to me to keep someone around that you’re not attracted to, and don’t love just because it keeps the window of opportunity open to have a kid. Of course he may know how you feel already but that’s why I say you both seem like you’re settling for this situation and it’s sad.
The problem it bugs you enough in your mind to say you dont love him and you questioning it is enough to say marriage is a bad idea. Its not fair on him or yourself. Why not just stay together and have a kid if you want without marriage? Kinda feels like you’ve just settled for what you can get and I completely understand it just dont get married if your heart isnt in it. It only complicates things
Have you had the whole… “In love”, “sexual attraction” thing with anyone else before? If so, clearly it’s not the key to a successful relationship otherwise you’d still be with that person.
And if you haven’t… Then just know that it’s not the key to a successful relationship.
It is possible that those feelings will happen as each of you change and go through different stages of your own lives. Maybe seeing him as a father would change things?
It sounds like you’re adamant about how you feel and you’re not going to allow yourself the change that could potentially become. You want kids but not 100%. Are you ready to become a parent? Is your partner? Wouldn’t you want to have them grow in an environment where their parents are in love? Obviously if you can help it, I’m sure? In this case you’re either open to allow yourself to be in love or you don’t. I don’t think that being in love with someone just happens, it grows. If it was there in the beginning, yes it can fade, as you mentioned in another comment. WITH that thought in mind, wouldn’t you think it could change? When I had my baby, I fell in love with my husband more. He’s a great partner and an amazing parent. You seem to have so much love and admiration for your partner but nothing will change if you won’t want to.
Dear god, do not bring a child into this.
Please do not be that selfish!!
Never settle. You’re doing an absolute disservice to yourself and your fiance. He deserves someone who loves him and so do you. If you’re going into this with thoughts only to have a child, then you should have a child, not get married. However, it sounds like you’re just doing what you *think* you should do. People have lived long and fulfilling lives without a partner or children. It can be done. You can also adopt a child later in life if that’s what you end up deciding, *but* entering into a marriage you’re not completely on board with is not cool.
It doesn’t matter that you’ve discussed and he knows, it’s irrelevant. Stop hiding behind that. The guy likely worships the ground you walk on and would agree to anything to keep you around.
What you’re doing is wrong, to marry this guy would make you a monster.
That you’ve kept this going so long for your own comfort is sick in its own right.
He deserves better and you need to sort your own shit before becoming entangled with another thinking, feeling person again.
That’s pathetic. Oh, my clock is ticking so I choose the one who stays. 🙈so lets all go to times where our parents chose for us.
That would be a dealbreaker for me. I had a boyfriend once and we used to have such a good connection on so many levels. Hobbies, humour, thoughts… we always had a lovely time together and I really enjoyed being with him. About two months in, I realised I’m not sexually attracted to him but he was very attracted to me. He would get horny when I would put my hands on him even if I wasn’t trying nothing sexual.
I thought that he’ll grow on me because I really liked having his company.
One morning I woke up next to him and I started crying. Out of nowhere I was crying like a baby. Just the thought of him waking up and wanting to have sex with me, made my body react that way.
He was very sweet with me and tried his best to help and make me smile but I excused myself and told him I got to go. A few days later I brake up with him.
Think that could be you tomorrow, next week or in a few years… it’s not a nice feeling.
Why are you with someone who you don’t love and have never been sexually attracted to? How did this relationship ever even start??
You’re going to wake up one day to angry man. He is holding out hope that one day you will feel for him as he feels for you. Put the poor chap out of his misery. Seems you’ve wasted enough of his time
Please don’t bring a panic-baby into a loveless marriage…
This sounds like an unfair situation. He is in love with you, in a way that you are not with him. He deserves to be single to be able to find that. 99% likely he is staying because he thinks you will develop those feelings for him. Resentment will ensue when it becomes obvious that is not the case.
Being lonely shouldn’t mean getting married and bringing a kid into this situation. It’s unfair to him and your kid and tbh you are being selfish. U take and take and he gives you his love etc but eventually that will become bitterness. Think carefully about this. Don’t have a kid – get a pet instead.
I read your post and my first thought is to go off on you at the cruelty of being with this man. But then I reread it. I can tell you care for this man, even love him. He’s your best friend and by the way you talk about him he’s a great guy. But you have to understand this. He is in love with you. He will ignore the fact that you aren’t in love with him. He’ll ignore everything if it means he gets to kiss you, wake up with you, grow old with you. But that’s not your reality. You’ve said you are 38 and probably won’t find anyone else. So yes, for Gods sake yes it is so wrong for you to marry him. What are you going to do a few years down the road when you meet a man and fall head over heals in love with him. One thing leads to another and you wake up in his bed. I’m not saying you are that sort of woman. I am saying that you wouldn’t love your husband and you would be starved for love. Real love and the feeling of being lost in someone.
If you marry this poor guy you are not only cheating yourself of the possibility of finding someone that you actually love, but you are cheating this man of the possibility of finding a woman that actually loves him. That’s something you can’t give him. Don’t be selfish. Let him go.
Good luck
No. It is also very selfish of you to torment this man for the rest of his life.
Imagine living the rest of your life married to someone not attracted to you and tells you that, has said they’re not in love with you, and is using you to have kids. Poor dude, what a life.
First of all, what on earth is wrong with you?? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? This scenario is not fair to your partner, because he needs someone who actually loves him. You don’t need a partner to have a baby, and even if you did stay to have a kid, do you realize how detrimental this relationship would be to said child?
OP, that’s just so mean. You’re only with him because you’re worried about potentially not having kids? You don’t even love him the way he loves you.
If you’re this emotionally cold, I honestly don’t think you have any business having kids. You need a therapist, not a sperm donor.
I don’t think true love exists for all. I love my husband but I’m not sexually attracted to him like he is to me. We have sex and I mainly do it for him. But we have a great life other than that. 2 kids and make decent money, go on trips. We have similar hobbies but we still do our own thing. I like my life. I don’t have whatever that Disney love it but we get along fine and have fun.
If you move ahead with your plan you will be in disasterville pretty quick.
Do this poor dude a favour and LET HIM GO. The theme of your post is “I really want a baby and this guy who loves me who I am MEH about is the guy I will baby trap for the rest of my life.”
Also, if you can’t afford IVF what makes you think you can afford a child?