Why do I want them back only when they leave?

I have an avoidant attachment style. A fear of abandonment. It’s hard for me to let others get too close.

I was seeing someone for a few months, and everything was ecstatic and lovely in the beginning. I’ve only ever been good at beginnings.

I felt myself developing feelings for her, and so I started to withdraw and pull back. But I kept her around. This went on for months while I still dated around and saw others. I sometimes wouldn’t even think of her.

One day, she decides to move on. And for the first time in a long time, I feel all the emotions of heartbreak. I tried to get her back— told her I’d change my ways and pay more attention. It’s been quite the wake up call, and I’m trying to dive deeper to understand myself better.

Humans are creatures of habit. Something similar to me happened ages ago where I let someone go, kept them around, and it was only when they decided to leave that I wanted them back.

I’m conflicted. I don’t know if I truly liked her and missed out on an opportunity for a real intimate relationship. Or if my mind’s playing tricks on me, and it’s the “abandonment” that’s attaching feelings towards her.