30M. ok this is really embarrassing to say but I had three dates this week. i know the girls are some what interested since we did kiss towards the end. but there was a lot of awkward silences. my question is how can i be a better listener? i read a lot of articles on conversation threads which makes sense but when you’re on a date, i feel its a whole lot hard to listen to what the girl says and continue the thread. any advice on how to be a better listener. lately ive been listening to a lot of oprah interviews since she’s a good listener. any advice would be greatly appreciated

8 comments

  1. Good conversations are a delicate balance between asking questions and talking about related things from your own life. Too many questions and it will feel like a job interview. But if you ask no questions and only talk about yourself, that comes off like you only care about yourself. So you have to do a bit of both.

  2. I know this is probably not advice you came here to get, but maybe see your primary care physician to be screened for ADHD. I struggle to listen because I get bored halfway through sentences and tune out. I’m married now, but it still drives my wife crazy when I’m not on meds and just stop listening.

  3. Listening skills include:

    * Nodding
    * ‘Uhuh’ ‘yes’ (those sounds you make while active listening that don’t really mean anything).
    * Paraphrasing
    * Summarising
    * Structure what the other person just said
    * Ask questions about things less clear (or that you find interesting)
    * Relate to your own experiences/opinions

  4. “Really? Why do you think she’s a good listener? I always have the feeling those interviews are scripted… Isn’t it the case?”

    Basically like this

  5. I would say ask follow up questions after she speaks, for example if she just finished telling you are a recent trip somewhere, ask what we’re her favorite memories from the trip and what did she wish she skipped. Then you can segway into other topics from there. Being a good lister simply means showing interest when the other party is speaking and also providing meaningful responses not just 1 liners or nodding of your head

  6. Repeat what they said back to them in little pieces.

    Ask probing questions like, “how do you feel about that?” Or “what happened then?”

    Make noises, say “oh!” Or “yes!” And nod.

    If you’ve had a thought that their conversation made you think of, share it, then lead back into what they were saying.

  7. Ask us questions. It makes us feel that you’re interested in what we are saying. 🙂

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