Not sure if this subreddit is the right one for my problem, though. It’s a mix of r/socialskills, r/dating, r/depression, r/INFP and r/heartbreak. Anyway.
I’m (25M) still a virgin. Completely.
Never kissed a girl, never had a date and of course never had sex. I’m a shy guy. I’m unable to be comfortable with myself on how to approach the girls I like. In my past, only two girls showed interest in me, but that interest didn’t lasted long. I’m not a bad looking guy, but even on dating apps I’m not making any progress.
In the last months I started to develop feelings on a girl.
I first knew her via online dating but I never had a date. I wasn’t her type. The story is more complex, but she became a presence in my life. We have common friends, common interests, we even hangout together. I had more opportunities to get to known her better, but my feelings were always unrequited. It was a one-side relationship.
I accepted the situation, it was a dead horse at this point. Yesterday I, her and two friends of mine went to a discotheque. We had some fun, as it is always in these events. At one point, she hugged us saying that she loved us (ofc in a friendly manner).
At one point a guy approached her, they started talking and then he kissed her. When I saw that scene in front of me I lost any motivation left in me. My only thoughts were “why I still have feelings for her? why i can’t just die? why I have to see this?” and a series of blasphemies towards me, God and literally everything. I mean, it was obvious that something was going to happen sooner or later. I knew it. It’s like knowing to being stabbed. It will hurt, no matter what.
I shut off completely for the rest of the night. My friends tried comforting me, but I can’t live with these problems anymore. They said me more than one time to move on, to try thinking to other girls. I don’t know what happened, but I’m ashamed of myself. Of course, I tried to date other girls, but I receive at best two likes on Tinder and then I’m ghosted.
I’m not a teenager anymore, I don’t live in fairy tales. There isn’t an “happily ever after”. What is slowly destroying me is the fact that I’m unable to go off of my bounds. Everyday I have the same routine. Wake up, breakfast, work, lunch, work, workout, dinner, other, sleep. I have my friends, but other from that I’m alone. There isn’t someone in my life. I want to live these years at my best, I don’t want to be still depressed, single and virgin at my 30s.
What is stopping me is not her, what I saw yesterday was only a reminder of my failure. What is stopping me is the fact that I don’t know what I want from my life.
Sometimes, I want a relationship, even a short one for starters. I want to be loved from a girl, have intimacy, be important to her. Other times I just want to kiss, have sex and fun in a lot of ways. I want to be in command, to let go my inner desires. As I said earlier, I’m a shy guy, I’m unable at the moment of go out of my bounds. I’d love my first kiss to be something special, but it’s just a kiss, not some kind of ritual. It wouldn’t even be good, since I’m a virgin on everything related to love. I realize that, but my conscioussness no. I’m not even scared of rejection (I’m a pro at this point) nor I care.
With these thoughts I’m just a turn off to every girl, I’m not helping my cause. I know to have some kind of value, I have also friends who are supporting me in this story.
I thought to drink some more at these events and even starting smoke weed, in order to be less rational, but even these things are a “no-no” from me. I’m scared to not be myself, and it’s a very stupid though. I don’t want to be another man in these situation, I want to evolve and be the better version of myself. I’m scared to cross a line that maybe I shouldn’t cross. I don’t know.
I’m the key to resolve my problem, but how can I settle on what I want to be from now on? How can I accept that my thoughts are just stupid and to let things flow?
I tried talking to friends about it, I tried watching psychology videos (thanks Psych2Go, btw) about the subject. But i’m unable to decide on my achiviements and desires.
TL;DR I’m a shy INFP still virgin and kissless at 25. I don’t know what I want from my sexual life.