I (F29) have been married to my husband (M34) for almost 2 years. We have been together for 5 years. We don’t have any kids, we have a nice house, and are relatively low stress.
He is a high school football coach, so the hours are long during this time of year. I have to leave the house around 6am for my teaching job. He doesn’t get home till close to 8 at night. It’s just a grind.
I’m worried we have just gotten to a place of complacency and I don’t know how to get us out of it. I find myself not sexually attracted to him. I don’t really encourage his advances and I don’t initiate much sex. We got into a fight last night about not doing much to maintain a spark and excitement, and I don’t know what to do. Right now he only gets Sundays off, so I feel really selfish for asking him to do things when he just wants to chill and relax.
I wouldn’t say I’m super dependent. I’m in a rec soccer league that plays twice a week and I’m also in a grad class that meets once a week. I have lots to do. So I don’t think I’m super lonely.
I complain to him about not having a spark, but then I reject him or I’m not super into it when we do have sex.
I need some realistic advice about what other 30somethings do. Reading anything online is so superficial and not enlightening.
I’m sure marriage counseling should be at the top of my list.
TL;DR: I’m worried I’m not sexually attracted to my husband anymore. I want to fix it and I don’t know what to do.
10 comments
Sounds like you two aren’t doing much relationship maintenance. If you do not water a plant, you shouldn’t be shocked when you notice it is wilting. You two need a regular date night, even if it is just once a month. And you need to find other small ways to connect, to talk to each other about stuff you care about, to have small acts of physical affection sprinkled into your days, and to do fun things together at times. It can be hard to make time for a relationship, but if you want to have a relationship, then you have to make time to actually have a relationship.
It’s something that doesn’t go away, unfortunately. The best approach would actually be therapy and couples counseling. We can’t make suggestions because you only shared a little of your life, hoping for a winner (comment wise).
It sucks, but it happens. It’s part of life.
Are you sexually attracted to anyone besides your husband? I’m just asking because maybe it’s a problem with low sex drive altogether.
You need to set aside time to actually date each other.
When was the last time both of you went on a date together? It sounds like both of you are not spending very much time doing bonding activities and other things that are actually fun.
It sounds like his job is getting in the way of your marriage.
Love is a choice. I’ve been married almost 26 years to the man I started dating when we were 15. Not every day is easy, and attraction wanes sometimes, but you trade those butterflies for knowing someone always has your back (and your heart).
Our kids are 18 and 21, so we’re entering a new phase of our relationship, and I love him more than ever. As someone else said, you have to find time to date your spouse.
A relationship has 3 parts. You, your partner, and the relationship itself. You have to eat, drink, sleep, bathe, cut your toenails and all of the maintenance things to keep yourself healthy. Your partner must do those things too. Your relationship needs care and feeding too, if it is to remain healthy and strong. There are many challenges in today’s world that threaten to destroy relationships. A weak, unmaintained relationship is a vulnerable one. What is gained if you are super successful in your jobs if you lose each other in that pursuit. Balance, focus, and prioritization are needed. Others here have good suggestions for getting the spark back. Good luck!!!
Are you guys doing any activities together? We’ve been together for 4 years (mid-thirties, no kids yet but pregnant now,) and I can see how it’s easy to fall into a routine and lose a bit of that spark. We technically only have one day a week off too since he’s a first responder and works 3-4 days shifts including Sunday’s, and I work Mo-Fr. But we always try to make the most out of our day off. New activities are great to bond over, or doing things together that you both enjoy and remind you of your early dating dates. Is there anything he’s particularly good at? Maybe seeing him in his element could be a turn on for you and bring that attraction back. We make an effort to schedule one date night a week with dinner, live music or a movie at the theater so that we can connect because it’s easy to just watch TV at home while being on the phone without actually spending any quality time together.
I think you may be hitting one of those phases in the relationship where you both need to put in some work and re-ignite the spark. I think it’s too early to give up simply because your attraction is waning. It’s sounds like it’s mostly happening because you don’t have the time to really connect.
You know how they say marriage takes work.
This is what they mean.
A “spark” doesn’t remain just through wishful thinking. You need to nuture it. Both of you.
It sounds like you barely see each other. Of course attraction and romance dwindle. I kind of feel like you need to focus less on the sexual spark, and more on reconnecting as a couple. Find some way to spend quality time together as a couple.
I hate to break this to you. If you no longer find him sexually attractive, it is a very first indicator of divorce. Both of you need to fix this if you want the marriage to continue