My wife and I (both 40’s) have both started new careers. She’s about a month into hers and I just finished my 2nd week at my new position. She left an employer she was at for 12 years and I left my previous employer after 2 years. She’s obviously learning a lot and feels challenged and fulfilled at her new place. I can tell that she’s still overjoyed at her new job which makes me happy for her.
The thing is, she gives me like 30 minute minimum recaps of her day, every day when I get home. It’s like I get pinned down in the kitchen and I don’t know how to politely cut it short or just tell her I need to decompress in relative silence after my stressful day. I’m feeling like I may have bitten off more than I can chew in my new role, and I just need some time to think about things. She’ll always ask how my day was and I string together a recap thats like 3-5 minutes long but I can tell she’s just bursting to start her story. Growing up my dad would drink tall boys and smoke cigarettes while pacing up and down the driveway after his stressful days. I can feel that same energy in me but I just want to sit down with a bowl of ice cream and stare out the window. On Friday night even my 8 year old walked in the kitchen twice like 20 minutes apart and the second time she said “gosh mom you’re STILL talking?”. To sum it up I think we’re in this weird combination state where she’s really excited and I’m really stressed about our jobs. I know marriage is about compromise and she is clearly getting the outlet she needs/ wants but what about my need for contemplative silence? Is there anyway to convey this to her without sounding like an asshole?
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“Sweetheart, when we get home from work I really need some quiet time to decompress. How about if we stay quiet for the first hour and then we can talk about everything? I want to hear all about your day, just after a bit of time to myself. Would that work for you?”
So, since it’s a weekend and you aren’t working, and you aren’t pressured, you have a calm talk wiht her now. And say look, we have both started new jobs. Yours is invigorating. Mine is draining. When I get home, I need time to decompress, so I’d like to keep the conversation when I come home to a minimum. I’d like 20 minutes of quiet time, all to myself, before we go over our days. I just need to decompress at the end of the day, I’m finding my job tiring. Don’t make it about her monologue. Make it about you needing a respite when you come home from work. You get 20 minutes of quiet. Then she gets to monologue for 20 minutes. That’s compromise.
I am not sure you really get just how special it is that your wife thinks YOU are the most important person to tell about her day, and that she can’t wait to share it with you, in detail. Even if it’s an hour, there are several hours in the evening afterwards to have some nice quiet time to reflect on your day.
TBH, I feel like any way you approach this it’s gonna seem to your wife like you don’t care about her day, and truthfully, that is gonna hurt her because who wants the person you are most excited to talk to after a whole day of work to tell you that they just can’t set aside the 30 mins that you need to tell them about the day.
In short, I think your wife loves and misses you during the day, and this is how she shows it, and personally, I think you need to man up and take your time to relax afterwards. There is nothing wrong with saying after she is done, and you have made the appropriate comments, “Okay babe, I had a tough day, I am gonna go take a soak in the tub.” (Men don’t do this enough, some eucalyptus oil or bath salts…. Man it’s refreshing and gives you time to relax and think IMHO)
My parents have a solid agreement: no talking about your day within the first hour of getting home. Everyone needs time to decompress and this allows both of them to and also know that they can still talk about their days later.
My husband and I both say hello when we walk through the door, and then ignore each other for a bit lol. He games and I watch tv. This is the time we use to decompress. I value this time so much because I work as a teacher and am talking all day long. So when I get home, I just want to be left alone for a bit. Then we get together for dinner, and that’s when we each talk about our day. It works well for us. When you’re eating dinner, there is only so much time for each person to talk. Sometimes one of us talks a bit more than the other depending on if something eventful happened at work, and that’s okay. But nobody wants to listen to somebody talk for 30 minutes about a regular day at work. Next time you’re wife talks way too much about her day, feel free to say “Can we talk about work a bit less? Maybe for like ten minutes? I feel all *worked* out when I get home and would love to just enjoy your company.”
Is she working from home fully? My husband used to do this to me (he’s been fully remote, I’m back in the office), every time I’d walk in the door it would just be nonstop and all the decompression I managed on my commute home was totally lost. I would spend ages in the bathroom at night with the door closed blaming it on my “skincare routine” when I was literally just mindlessly scrolling Reddit ahahaha. I don’t recommend this- it’s basically another way of coping like how your dad did.
One day when I walked in (before my husband started recapping) I said that I’d had a rough day and just want to talk about anything other than work, when I come home I want to turn that part of my brain off and just focus on family. It pretty much stuck and now we will chat about work but it’s more of a give-and-take general discourse rather than the nuances of every moment that need a lot of convoluted backstory explanations.
I would personally start with a casual “I had a bad day, can we not talk about work?” and if after a few days I’d she doesn’t pick up what you’re putting down, be more direct: “I’m so thrilled you’re loving your new job but honestly mine has me a bit overwhelmed, can we keep the work talk to a minimum when I’m home? I need some time alone with my thoughts to decompress while I’m adjusting to my new role.” If you come home the next day and she goes on another monologue just say- “Hey can we keep it short tonight? I’m a bit tired.” etc etc.
Edit to add: Just make sure you aren’t making yourself completely emotionally unavailable to your wife by not instigating the convo once or twice a week as it’s obvious she really enjoys it. You can also head it off by saying- oh what do you have going on tomorrow? That sort of thing.
My boyfriend was kind of an asshole about it. He basically said what you said in your title. So… as much as it offended me, I certainly stopped. I don’t want to annoy anyone, but he could have been a lot more tactful.
I wish my boyfriend would have said, “I know you had a lot going on today, but I’m also pretty overwhelmed. Can we chat about this later?” Or even “can you just give me a while to unwind?”
I think how you say it is key. There’s nothing wrong with your need for silence OR her need to vent. I agree with others, that you just need to find a compromise where you both get a bit of what you want. My husband and I had this exact conversation, and when he asked me to stop talking on the moment it really stung. But when he brought it up outside of the situation and explained his needs, it went a lot better.
I am pretty excited right out of work, it’s how I process my day. If I have to wait, it doesn’t work as well for me. But hubs needs quiet and he doesn’t like to talk. Luckily we commute together so I’m allowed to talk all I want during the drive but it never comes in the house. That means I get an outlet but it has a deadline my hubby doesn’t have to try to enforce himself.
Maybe she could call you on her drive home, but then you get quiet time once you step through the door?
Hey, OP! I’m in a similar situation to you, but my partner is just a big talker in general. He would love to talk soon as I got home meanwhile I’m, like you, the type who needs time to wind down after work before I’m prepared to listen to his rants. (I love him and his passion, don’t get me wrong here).
Communicate to your wife. There’s nothing wrong with communicating your needs. If she perceives you as an asshole for saying “hi babe, I would love to hear about your day. But please allow me x time (whatever amount you need) to decompress after work.” thenthats another issue.
That’s a compromise – you listen to her but she respects your need to decompress.
If you don’t tell her, she will never know.
One thing I used to do with my children is. “Let me go have a cup of tea quickly then I’ll come play with you” when getting in from work.
Obviously replace “play with you” with “talk to you”.
Here’s what my husband says to me: “I really want to give you the attention you desrve, but my mind is not fully here yet. I want to hear about your day and I’m afraid if you tell me about it now, I will miss half of it because I’m still thinking about my own work. Can we resume this conversation in an hour, when I had time to really arrive at home? “
My husband always tell me “hey baby I’m tired and not in a good mood right now can you give me a few minutes to relax.” I’ll roll him a joint and let him decompress. Also when I go on and on about my day he’ll tell me “meat and potatoes baby” and I know to get straight to the point and not drag it on. Having discussions first about how you feel and what you’d like to change is always best. Once you’ve had that you can use shorter soft phrases to let her know that right now is not the time. My husband will also take his time to relax then when he’s ready come love me, talk to me or enjoy my company. He understands that I wanted to give him my attention so when he’s ready for it he’ll come make contact with me. Some people don’t remember to do that. They’ll say they’re tired and not now but won’t make time to listen or be with their partners once they are ready.
30 minutes MINIMUM sounds like she’s just rambling. If you can’t explain 8 hours of life happenings in under 20 minutes- you either had the most eventful day anyone has ever had, or you are just talking without organizing your thoughts.
I would guess these conversations go something like: Carol said “….”, and then I said “… ” and then SHE said “….. ” and then…. For 40 minutes on and on every word of a conversation with someone else.
Some people can’t just boil stuff down to ‘Carol and I faced this problem and the result was X and it made me feel Y’.
I’m the talker yet also hated being talked at within certain time frames. My ex and I came to the agreement that half an hour minimum of no talking apart from hello and a kiss before ANY conversation and even that should be, “What are we having for tea?” and then conversation during or after that. It gave me time to decompress before offloading so I had mentally worked through stuff and could talk more succinctly and also stopped me feeling talked at – I was a primary school teacher so got talked at and asked questions all day 😂
This stopped the mindless complaining, the oversharing and the feeling of home being just as busy as work.
I’d be honest but NOT whilst she does it. Wait until the weekend or when you’re off (shutting down someone will hurt, she’ll feel you don’t care) and do it from your feelings POV.
“I’m really proud of us and excited we are in new jobs. I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed when I finish there and wondered if you’d mind us chatting about our days after a bit of time to unwind first? I think that’s what I need going forward to make sure I can hear you properly because my head is so full when I get back.”
Good luck! 🖤
Bro your crazy idk if its just me as i lost my wife of 10 years BUT she SHARES WITH YOU for a reason dude not to bother you but to include you in her day tbh i hate to be that guy but you sound childish that’s your wife dude she puts up with all your nonsense and you can’t give her 30 minutes of your time to hear about her day? As a man who lost the love of his life you complain now but if she was gone You’d miss those 30 min recaps Don’t take what you have for granted ( she left me and started dating another man 4 months later she didnt die)
My dad had a rule to be left alone for the first hour after he got home so that he could get out of evil boss mode. We never took offense because we knew he needed that time and we had all night to get on his nerves.
Just COMMUNICATE , if you’re in a healthy relationship she will listen and understand
Not my husband but our SIL that lives with us. It drives me mad how much she talks about herself and her day. I know more about her coworkers than I do my own. I tune out most of it. Every now and then she will remember to ask about my day. I will go to the bathroom and she’ll pick right back up as soon as I exit. Is this some sort of mental disorder? I can’t imagine thinking anyone wants to know that level of detail of my day.
Maybe she’s manic. Is she bipolar? A symptom is extremely talkative, almost in a dominating sort of way. Or just become a better listener. At the end of your life you will remember the kitchen conversations with your wife much more than you will the TV show you want to watch on autopilot.
Multiple ways to handle this and look at it.
If it’s about decompressing when you get in, how about you move the day recap chat from “as soon as we both are in the house” to the goodnight discussion when all cuddled up together?
Set a boundary. Tell her you don’t want to be bombard with information the moment you come home. Agree upon when the right time is for her to unload the verbal bukakke.
My wife used to choose to do this when I was going to bed. We eventually agreed that is not the correct time and that if I’m laying in bed I have no problem talking but if my glasses are off it means I’m ready to try and sleep.
Honestly I think most people need an hour or so to decompress after work. So maybe make a kiss and hug and glad your home and have an hour moratorium on further conversation until you have that decompress time.
My husband asked for 20 minutes to lay down and decompress when he gets off work. Have you asked for any decompression time? Or are you just hoping she can read your mind?
I thought it was an unspoken rule to not talk to someone as soon as they get off work? My partner and roommates both know to leave me alone after work for at least an hour.
Don’t make her feel like 30 minutes is too long, just ask her if she can do it later
You need to be straight up about it and talk about what compromise you can come to with both of you getting your needs met. Tell her you want her to be able to process it, and this isn’t about you not caring. Maybe she could journal about it then give you the highlights once she’s boiled it down a bit.
Honestly this is just the sort of conversation adults need to be able to have without lashing out or becoming too defensive to hear what the other has to say. If she can’t hear it, or you can’t say it—IDK what to tell you.
I think you just need to explain and acknowledge together that you process your day and decompress differently. She needs to decompress by sharing about her day and you do so by having alone time to contemplate. Just say something like “honey, I want to hear about your day when I get home but I am finding that I really need quiet alone time to decompress before I can be present for you.” Then ask for 30-60 minutes for that and then come find her and give her your undivided attention. It may help if you have a space in your house that is a little bit removed where you can go when you need this time. This will help with your kids too. It comes off as a little weird/rude if you’re in the common space but expecting no one to engage with you
Does she have girlfriends that she likes to talk to? Someone that also likes to talk a lot and can match her intensity? This is what girl friends are for.