We’ve been together for almost a year, and 2 months ago he moved to the other side of the country. We both graduated college last year, he got a job right out of college making $200k+/year. Neither of us have debt, and he is extremely frugal with how he spends his money. I am currently unemployed but actively interviewing, both my grandparents died within the last year, and to put it simply, I haven’t been okay since then. I am not financially well off, and I dislike my situation living at home.
He is aware of this, and is offering to break his current lease to find a place for us to live together. However, he says it’s unreasonable to fully support 2 people at this time, and that he is happy to split costs evenly and keep a tab of the amount I owe, and I can repay it back over time once I get a job. I honestly don’t know how to feel about this, I’m scared that once I do get a job, I won’t make nearly as much, and that it’ll end up taking me years to pay him back. I don’t know how I should feel about this proposition in general.
I truly do not want to sound entitled, but this offer scares me. I know the reasonable option is for me to decline and keep living at home, but I don’t know, maybe this is a good offer? Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.
edit-I didn’t expect this many people to respond. Thank you. I genuinely appreciate the advice and kind words <3
29 comments
>I know the reasonable option is for me to decline and keep living at home
Yeah, don’t move in with him until you have a job and can pay your share. His offer sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Crunch the numbers – calculate how much you can expect to owe him if you were out of work for 1 month, 3 months or a year. If you feel that you will owe him too much then continue to live at home until you get a job.
You have only been together a year and I can understand his hesitation in supporting you financially at this stage of the relationship especially if you weren’t already living together.
If you choose to stay with him then I think it is reasonable for him to keep a spreadsheet of your share of the bills. If you had a job and were living together you would presumably be paying 1/2 of the bills so it makes sense to keep track.
Lots of factors playing in. What qualifications do you have? What job are you trying to land? What kind of apartment rent does your bf expect for the both of you to share ? What expectations does your bf have for repayment if job search or even the relationship starts to become rocky?
If you both manage to work out all these questions (and more) then it’s possible to get all written down on paper and signed. Imo this requires lots of trust and long term stability in the relationship
dont spend the money you dont have. crazy.
Not only should you decline and live at home, you need to rethink the relationship. He’s making a hefty income. If you didn’t major in the same field, and if you didn’t major in a field who’s wages are comparable, you’ll always be in debt with him because he’s expecting his partner to split half of everything forever. If your career and budget doesn’t allow for that for the rest of your life, then it’s time to move on.
As much as you dislike living at home, you should stay there and keep looking for a job. Moving with someone because you rather not live at home is not a good reason to move in together, plus you are unemployed. Is he living in a high living cost area? You need to do what is best for you; depending on your career path, it’s unlikely you’ll be making 200,000 and if you have loans, you’ll have to pay them as well. If you don’t work as a couple, it’ll be difficult for you to move out.
It makes sense for him to keep a spreadsheet. I just think you have to stay living with your parents and keep looking a job. You would be basically taking a loan to move in with him and you cannot afford that. What if the job you find is somewhere else? Or what if it doesn’t pay as much? Or what if you don’t get along and you want to move out?
This is not a good offer or a good idea.
Even when you are employed, expenses should be split based on income. 50/50 is not equitable. You would never have savings and never have extra money while he has loads.
Do NOT do this with him.
IMO, splitting bills 50/50 is more than reasonable for 2 people who are dating. I feel like splitting bills proportionally to what each partner makes is more for married couples. Sounds like this is how your partner feels as well (if he even agrees with the second option at all)
No way, don’t move in with him. And he’s making $200K and expecting you to split the rent 50/50? Then he better be okay with living in the kind of place where YOU can afford half the rent.
Slicing to the bone here — you’re 21. A. Take your time with life. B. ALWAYS be financially independent. C. Never chase anything/person. Good luck.
What’s his major?
Maybe look for another job, possibly part time, while you’re looking for a software engineering job? I know I feel better when I am working and have something else to focus on other than the dread of whatever is currently going on in my life (for you it would be grieving, applying for jobs and interviewing…). If you have any passions or interests you could try to find a job that aligns with those?
If you want to move to the Bay Area and live with your bf you can even try to find a job out there and split costs proportionally.
Best of luck on finding your software job!! I know interviews are hard- when you have some extra cash I suggest maybe taking an interview prep class? Remember everything comes easier with practice!
He sounds extremely toxic. But this is also why a lot of people say don’t move in together unless you’re married.
Go with your gut and stay home. This offer sounds like it could end up a raw deal. Maybe another story if you get a job offer out there and that would be a transitional assist, but otherwise I’d steer clear.
Don’t ever be in debt to your partner that sounds like a terrible idea.
I think it’s only fair for him if he can’t support you entirely for you to pay him back your part, but I think you could and should wait until you get at least some job interviews so you have 50% probability that you’ll get employed in the folllwing months. If you let the debt add up, you’re gonna get stuck.
You can also ask him about the percentage like each of you pays X percentage of their salary if you don’t think you will make nearly as much as he does. In your current relationship, does he pay for most things like dates or food when you hang out? If he does this, I think you should agree with the 50% of the lease since probably he will take care of other expenses like bills and groceries. If he doesn’t and expects you to pay for your part, definitely bring up the percentage talk because it’s definitely not the same thing to give 500 of a 1500 salary with giving 500 of a 3000 salary. Thinking that you will also have to pay for groceries, bills, clothes, emergency situation, etc. this will leave you with almost no money so you will be dependent on him anyway.
I think wait until you have a job then reconsider.
It’s reasonable he’d want paying back for any money he lends you, but also reasonable for you to prefer to stay at your parents for the moment.
I feel like debt/owing the other person in the relationship is a really easy breeding ground for resentment and other issues. I think it’s really valid to be scared of such an offer- it’s a lot to take in, and it requires quite a lot of vulnerability and power imbalance within the relationship.
I think for me, it’d be the idea of not being a team or feeling equal. While it’s very understandable to not be okay with fully supporting two people on one income, it’s that there’s an expectation that it’s a favour to be repaid or that it’s something he could hold over you/that you’d owe him for.
Wait until you get the job first. Also, if he’s so frugal, are you sure that you can see a future with him? Could you imagine grocery shopping and he’s going through the receipts and just adding what he doesn’t like to eat to your tab? Ewww…good luck
I dont know the guy but I would not do this to my girlfriend or wife. Dont be discouraged. If there is love and commitment between both of you he should help you and not put you in a position of worry or debt towars him. If he earns well, generosity with people he loves should be expected.
Honestly? No. Just no. He’s making 200k a year and wants to keep track to the penny how much you owe him? Are you lovers or business partners?
I’m not saying there shouldnt be expectations or boundries, there absolutely should be. But in a relationship where both people love eachother, if it was in your specific situation, if he wants you to move in, it should be: you move in and he’ll take care of things, & take care of you, with the caveat that you find a job in your field within a year. If you havent found one in your field within 3 months, you should look for ANY job, just so ypu can contribute, meanwhile while you still look for a good job. If in a year certain parameters arent met (you working in your field and able to contribute in a way you both agree to), then you agree to pack up and move home. And yes i’d say the same if it was the female with the 200k job-IF theyre in love. IF its real-to me thats an important caveat. If theyre just dating and not truly in love then i dont think she should move in no matter what the parameters are.
Good luck OP.
Honestly though him even asking you that is a red flag to me. I wouldnt do it.
Don’t move in with him until you can pay half. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. Also… personally I think it’s dickish behavior. People who are obsessed about “fairness” in my opinion are extremely naive and tend to be selfish. Because, my friends, one thing I know for sure is that life is not fair. There is no fairness, only what you can tolerate and what you can’t.
Hey, I also work as a software engineer and I was in a similar predicament where someone close to me passed away and I had to take a break from school and interview prep. First of all, definitely don’t take the offer. He was making it out of the good of his heart but you don’t want to start off your career in debt to your boyfriend. It’s not a financially sound idea.
On to the job search. I will say when I was trying to push through in my grief to continue studying for technical interviews I found my brain hazy and I couldn’t critically think at the same capacity I had before grief. So remember to take care of yourself during your job search. If you are on your parent insurance and maybe go to therapy once a month it might be good for your long term progress and health. (I would recommend more but I understand that finances gets in the way.) If not I would start a journal and write down something you were able to improve on every day/week (up to you) so you can motivate yourself and track your progress.
Some advice for technical interviews would be to make sure you study patterns instead of blinding doing different questions. I saw you’re on blind 75 and that’s a good resource! I would also go check out on the leetcode explore pages top interview questions: easy edition and then the medium edition and make sure you can do the questions there. Make sure you can explain your solutions clearly and determine the runtime. Since you’ve recently graduated see if you can reach out to alumni from your school or comp sci classmates you were close to for referrals.
Good luck on your job search!
That’s not a relationship, that’s roommates 💀 I’d dip honestly
It’s best to decline at this moment. On his huge wage compared to your none it means you will only rack up expenses that you will never pay back.
Also, for future its not just the money. You need to work out each wage and what proportion of a contribution each can make which equates to a percentage of a wage. For example, if he makes 200k per year, and you make 100k per year, for him to pay 2 dollars for every one of yours towards expenses equates to the same proportion of your wages.
If your partner keeps a bar tab open for you then you aren’t a partner. You are a debtor. I’m sure you have enough debt right now. Do what’s best for you. Good luck.
This is definitely a troll post. There is no way a recently graduate student is making 200k a year mostly someone graduating at 21 is hard to believe mostly you graduating at 20 even harder.
This is a fake post. I’m out
Don’t spend the money you don’t have. Don’t spend when you don’t know where your next paycheck is coming from
Yeah his proposal rubs me up the wrong way too. He is not a landlord but your partner. He earns a lot. He should only expect you to contribute from when you start earning money, in the proportion that you earn compared to him. Starting a job with a large debt is unfair.
If he is so tight with his money now, I shudder to think what would happen in the future, what about if you have kids. Will he keep adding to his spreadsheet while you are on maternity leave?
I personally would reconsider the relationship altogether.