I am in my early thirties and have been married for 7 years. In recent years I have noticed my husband making incredibly rude comments about my weight, which are in fact untrue. For reference (although I do not think these comments should be made at any time) we met when I was in my late teens and he constantly refers to my weight then as ideal even though I was fairly underweight at the time. My husband’s comments about my weight started prior to our wedding when I was 100lbs and continue to this day. At one point he told me I disgusted him because of my weight (we have since worked through it). I have put on 30 pounds in the last 13 years and I am at a normal weight for my height (5 ‘3’ and 130lbs, US size 4). I am a very active person; I exercise three to four days a week, walk my dog everyday, and I have been told by doctors that I am extremely healthy except for uterine related issues. To make it clear I am comfortable with the way I feel and look, and while I am not actively trying to lose weight, I am trying to eat well and exercise because I have a family history of health issues I do not want to replicate and because I feel good when I eat well and move my body. I eat what I want, within reason and I don’t deprive myself. COVID was incredibly tough for me as a front-line worker away from my family and my husband who was LD at the time and I used eating as a coping strategy because I was really lonely. I could not use my social circle as usual during those times or go to the gym which was my way of destressing. I was not very healthy in my eating and activity levels and felt terrible about myself. However, I have gotten back into my routine and I am OK now.
My husband does not understand this and he is very fixated on the way I looked when we first met and believes that I should actively prioritize weight-loss in the form of diets or excessive exercise, which I do not believe I need at this point. He is incredibly oblivious and believes I should “stop playing the victim” regarding weight gain (e.g., front-line worker during COVID, uterine issues). He also actively tries to monitor my portion sizes and what I eat, which makes me feel like I cannot enjoy food when I am around him. On his end he is no Michael B Jordan and he definitely does not look the same as he did when we first met, but physical appearance has never been primary to me. He is usually a very loving person, very interesting, and takes care of me the way he knows how; but his extreme shallowness is very frustrating.
We are in the process of looking to start a family, so my physical and mental health are a priority right now. In fact, I am actively looking to gain weight in the form of a pregnancy. Since he does not listen to what I have to say I have asked him to seek out a therapist but he refuses because he believes what he is saying is valid. He says that he “only asks me for this one thing” and I should prioritize this above all else. I have a wonderful well-paying career that I am passionate about, I have been told I am a fun person to be around, people can rely on me, I take care of my friends, I read a lot, I get excited about certain causes and I try to learn something new all the time. How do I get my husband to get past his fixation on my body, because I believe that I am so much more than my weight? It is impacting a number of aspects of our relationship including our intimacy and I am at a loss because he believes he is right. He says I should have known about this before we got married and that he never hid this from me.
Edit for clarity: I think this sub devolved into a questioning of my life choices regarding having a baby in this situation. For context: I am in the midst of fertility treatment that I have been waiting 3+ years for. I have already had one MC. I am in my 30s. I do not have the time, energy, or desire to make sure my situation is perfect before having children. Should I leave my husband and start dating again, the earliest I would be able to divorce him, find a partner and have a child would be in approx 2.5 years (factor a year for divorce, a year ish to date someone seriously, and a yearish to conceive). That is not time I have or want to invest. At 20 I thought I would have a family by now, and I worked my ass off to be in a position to have a child. I have an excellent social network and a supportive chosen family, I am very financially stable, I have a career with high job security, and is highly flexible for raising a child. I have looked into adoption and with the waitlists and requirements it is a less ideal option right now. I also would rather not have a donor as that would delay my TTC journey. Should my relationship end if my husband does not change his behaviour, rest assured I am prepared to raise a child on my own and this baby would be incredibly loved. I appreciate the advice about not trying to having a child but my question was really how I could get my husband to see reason. The part about having a child is secondary. As anyone who has been through this process knows it is expensive and time consuming and painful and I am not about to walk away from all I have invested in this process.
Edit 2: I do not take his comments to heart. I am aware they are untrue and I do not believe them. I practice intuitive eating and feed my body what she asks for. I am very mindful as I do not want to develop an ED.
Edit 3: My husband can be an asshole he is not abusive. I hate to call what he does abuse when there are women who are experiencing real and significant abuse. Other than eating and portion sizes he does not control me and even then I do not allow him to. I do not take his words to heart. I am not physically or verbally abused. He does not attempt to control me financially or to control my whereabouts. I am not trying to protect him but calling this abuse dilutes the term abuse and it isn’t fair to people who have experienced very real harm.
19 comments
I’d probably advise against starting a family tbh. Doesn’t sound like a nice guy
Do not have a child with a person who actively body shames you and controls your food. What if you have a daughter who is overweight? Will you be ok with your husband making the same comments to her? This is abusive and if you get pregnant I guarantee it will only get worse. He is telling you who he is, and who he is a shallow person who is fine with controlling his wife and making her feel like shit about her (very normal size) body because he wants her to be underweight.
Your husband needs to get therapy. He’s not ok, he’s WAY out of line, and this will only get worse in the event that you get pregnant.
I can always tell a pattern, and you kind of alluded to this in your post a bit. It’s toxic behavior that is numbing you. Because when people have to come here with this topic, they inevitably say “actually I am fit, attractive, good weight, etc.”, but those things are 100% not the issue. The way you’re getting treated is the issue, your weight is irrelevant.
DO NOT get pregnant! Clearly he sees you as an object, and it’s only going to get worse. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them the first time. Maybe a counselor can show how that he’s a clod. If not, give him the boot and find someone who respects you
No. He is not. Do not have children with this person.
This is horrible! Do not have a baby with this man. Just for comparison, I gained about 20 Kilos since I met my husband. He still adores me and still thinks I’m the most sexy person alive. So please, don’t waist your future on someone like your husband.
You need marriage counseling . Your husband needs individual counseling for his oddball fixation. Dare I ask your husband has not changed physically over the years? Sorry, your husband appears to be a controlling individual. This is affecting you mentally and emotionally. What you husband is doing IS a form of abuse.
It seems almost like he’s lost touch with the fact that you are a living, breathing human being, and not merely a body that is his to control.
You are at a healthy weight. His concern is absolutely NOT about your health, only about his personal attraction to your body.
He has no right to try to control your food intake. You are an adult who can make those decisions for yourself.
If you get pregnant, you will gain weight and you will increase in size. He is unlikely to have any kind of positive reaction to that. If he’s acting disgusted by your healthy body, he will increase this behavior and shame you for every bite you take. That does not make for a happy pregnancy.
He will also shame you the moment you give birth– trying to hurry your weight loss. This does not seem like it will be good for your mental health. You will likely be left with long-term effects of bearing a child (most of us are– whether it’s stretch marks or stubborn belly jiggle). He will likely shame you for that as well.
His primary worry is his own attraction to your body, and he’s making this your problem.
Don’t have kids with this guy. He should love all of you, not treat you like dirt because you aren’t underweight.
to answer your title question:
no!
this guy is not ok! what a strange thing to fixate on. especially if he is not a health professional (or even using legitimate statistics as a source of concern). this is 100% irrational behavior from him, so what makes you think the problem won’t get worse over time? will he stop doing this after having a child? i doubt it
Are you seriously thinking of starting a family with this man? Your children are going to need therapy because of him he will create an impossible standard for them. I mean look what he’s doing to you. He’s literally manipulating you into an eating disorder. Please love yourself to know that it’s better to be alone than in bad company. He is supposed to love YOU not this ideal weight of how you’re supposed look.
This was disturbing to read.
It seems like he’s insecure and deflecting on you . He’s the issue not you , he’s putting you down for no reason.
Your husband is attracted to a distorted body image. He sounds obsessed with an unhealthy ideal and incredibly shallow. I would not continue the relationship. Its only get worse as you age and your body continues to change.
How is he going to react when you start gaining weight related to pregnancy? Will he shame you and make the whole experience miserable? Is he uncomfortable with his own appearance and trying to project his feelings into controlling you?
Nope, he’s not ok. This behavior is unacceptable and totally abusive. Starting a family is a huge (and beautiful) thing… you really shouldn’t do it with someone like this. Most importantly, he doesn’t sound like he’d instill the right values in a child and, less importantly, pregnancy will change your body… will he be able to deal with that? You sure as heck shouldn’t have to deal with any of his BS postpartum.
What if you have a daughter and he also ends up leaving her with lifelong body image issues that carry into her own adult life and relationships from seeing the way he disrespected her own mother’s looks
Did you marry my husband?
We’ve been together 8 years, married 3.5 and we are both in our 50s. He is still obsessed with how I looked in my 20s!
He came across a picture of me from way back then and told me he felt “cheated” because other guys got that version of me.
I hope yours comes to his senses about this and doesn’t complete the metamorphosis into my husband who will then go on to say that having kids (my steps) ruined his life.
Best of luck OP, and I hope everything turns out ok..
Honestly I see this as an red flag
Comments like his are known to lead people to eating disorders, mental problems, self image issues etc
What if he does that to your future child? His behaviour is alarming and harming and the real question is do you want to expose your child to that?