My (30F) boyfriend (31M) is taking me for granted. We have been together for 7 months.
I pay for trips out, getting food in, going out to dinner.
I buy him gifts.
I don’t have loads of cash, but I was fine with this, as he made me aware his financial situation isn’t great, and I wanted to make him happy and for us to get out and do stuff. But he let slip he has take out regulary during the week, and buys video games. So he has money, just not any to invest in us.
I don’t even want money spent on me, I’d love a nice message, a wild flower, a drawing just something to let me know he appreciates me.
I also feel I’m making the effort. I text him first. I organise dates. I’m the one who flirts.
I have never talked to him about this, I know its possible he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it.
What can I do to turn this around?
My friends say don’t confront him, give him the chance to put in effort. Stop paying for anything, no more gifts or days out. Wait for him to text you. Their theory is, why would he put effort in if he is receiving all these benefits? If he doesn’t start to put more effort in then confront him. Not that it should be ‘ I only do x for you, if you do x for me’. But I know people get complacent.
I’m happy to try this, but it will be a big change and he is sure to ask “whats wrong?”
Do I say everything is fine, and continue pulling back? or do I flat out tell him what’s happening?
Tl;dr Boyfriend is taking me for granted, what can I do?
6 comments
Peg him.
You’re dating a bum, stop wasting your time
Your friends are right.
You don’t stop him from taking you for granted. You can only control yourself. You have better boundaries and stop exerting yourself in ways that deplete you and don’t put yourself first. You communicate what you’re feeling and see if your values can align with his. If not, you walk away versus over-extending and compromising yourself. This is only a 7-month relationship with signs it’s not a good fit.
I’d consider counseling to address why you’re working so hard for this and not communicating your basic needs in a relationship.
well he’s not a mind reader, so i don’t recommend just pulling back. you’ve never presented this as an issue to him. in my experience, when you voice these things to men, they do one of two things. he will either step up to the plate and make the changes he needs to keep the relationship happy and healthy or he will blow up about it and how you’re demanding too much. i don’t think it’s unreasonable to want things to be more financially fair and for him to put effort into initiating things or small gestures to show he cares.
A person who enjoys your company will take efforts to make you enjoy theirs. You’ve taking the initiative and doing things to get his interest in you sparking but he hasn’t responded. I’d begin to pull back bit by bit, see if he notices what’s lacking, what’s missing, what’s gone. If there’s no response, then he hasn’t realized you were making an effort. If he does, plan something where both of you can pay. You said he’s able to buy games, then get him to pay for lunch at least a few days a week. If you’re the only one investing in the relationship, then you won’t have a good return.