My [34M] wife [34F] just confessed that she “came to” while making out with a random man while out of town visiting her gay friend [36M] and his partner [38M].

44 comments

1. Let’s recount, she gets drunk, wakes up making out with a stranger, gets upset and leaves, voluntarily tells you about it, and you get mad and upset.

   The lesson learned should be, don’t get stinking drunk.

   **If the lessons in fact learned, “the end”**. Nothing else has to happen.

2. If this is true, she was definitely taken advantage of, and that really sucks. It also means her friends are trash people for not ensuring her safety and realizing she wasn’t able to give consent.

   You also need to be open-minded and cautious of the possibility that she wasn’t blacked out and she’s using that as an excuse. I’m only saying this because when you black out, I don’t think just “come to” 20mins later. You’re blacked out. It just seems suspicious that she happened to be blacked out for a short amount of time, and only for the time she was making out with someone else. By the time she had drunken herself into a blackout, you’d think she would be on the verge of passing out and needing to go home… not able to sit, talk, then make out with someone, then “come to” magically (especially after no food).

   It also feels like she was being a bit irresponsible to hang out with these people in the first place who don’t care about her safety and instigate her into horrible situations. Or at the least, she could hang out with them without getting so drunk, since she can’t rely on them to help or protect her in any way. That doesn’t mean that whoever took advantage of her had ANY right to or it’s justified – I just mean that she could have made better decisions to protect herself.

3. Sorry man. This hurts. Hard to stomach and in some ways hard to believe?? Blackout drunk then comes to and realizes what is happening. Where are the friends??? I don’t know. Sounds like maybe she was good with it it went a little to far she then realized oh shit. What if he finds out from the friends. I best come clean with a black out story. Wow. Is she crying or remorseful at all?

4. Set boundaries. Sorry, no more trips with those two. No more heavy drinking.

5. It’s been said before but I’ll say it again. Being drunk is not an excuse for anything. If you truly do not want to cheat, you won’t cheat no matter what. Alcohol just makes you more likely to do stuff that you DO want. I’ve been drunk to the point where you can barely sit down and pee. Lots of girls have been hitting on me in that state. None of them got as much as a kiss on the cheek, why? Because deep down I’m loyal

6. Maybe it’s different after years of marriage and/or women but I really don’t understand the blackout drunk reasoning. On my worst days of endless shots and beers I’ve never reached a point where I couldn’t still decipher the consequences of shit I do, and even if I choose to do it it’s still been more of a disregard for those consequences than it is a failure to consider them.

   That’s not to say her regret or sorrow isn’t genuine, and I know people handle alcohol differently. She disappointed you. I agree that this means new boundaries, and reflection from her on why it happened.

7. How are you sure she is telling the truth?

8. CONTACT THE FRIEND AND GET THE TRUTH. YOUR WIFE HAS EVERY REASON NOT TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, ASK HER GAY FRIENDS AND MAYBE THE BARTENDER OF THE BAR

9. You have to go to the bar and ask the people there, and also ask her friends…. You’re being lied to…

10. Seems like your wife is upset she wasn’t protected by her friends when she was vulnerable, and she was taken advantage of by a stranger. She was very inebriated and couldn’t consent, her friends left her alone. I think you need to take her for her word, and be there for her as her husband.

    I would discuss no longer being friends with that couple, not punishing her for being assaulted. You have a right to your feelings, but she didn’t cause them. The situation she was in was a normal one, and she was preyed on. You’re in a partnership. Why are you making her the enemy? Disclose how you feel, and listen to how she really feels about what happened to her- try to get past all the guilt she probably feels and see how she’s doing. If my friends did that to me, after the mountain of guilt, there’s a mountain of violation. She was wronged in many ways, and feels guilty because it feels like her fault. It isn’t. Her friends fucking suck.

11. It feels as if she was totally in the mood for it after some convincing from so called friends and midway realized that what’s happening is wrong and the guilt kicked in and hence the blackout story. The whole taken advantage of is just to make u believe it.

12. It’s just a kiss. If that’s all it is, it can be forgiven.

13. I mean, she told you first thing. She wasn’t hiding it.

    I have been in this situation of being blacked out, and I swear if alcohol wasn’t involved I would not have ever done it, it doesn’t excuse the fact that I’ve done it. But I can totally understand how it could have been a mistake. Literally have no control over how we act in a black out state.

14. I don’t buy her story at all. For starters, no one blacks out for such a short duration and comes to a normal frame of mind immediately. And, if you were blackout drunk, then it wasn’t a make out session since you wouldn’t even be kissing back and instead it would be someone forcing their tongue down your throat.

15. Are you in a position to talk to the “friends”, without her giving them any warning.

    It sounds like she got drunk, taken advantage by some random at the bar because her friends were shit.

16. So… she’s never given you a reason to suspect her of infidelity and her friends she was with are untrustworthy dicks. Dude. She trusted her friends to keep with the buddy system because that’s what most of us (women) *do* when out drinking, and they left her alone to get preyed on by some unscrupulous dick as soon as she blacked out. Ew. I wouldn’t need a partner to tell me to drop those friends, I would do it myself because… look not to put too fine a point on it but if those two couldn’t even keep an eye on their entire human buddy do you think they could be trusted to watch her drink? When it takes less than a second to drop something in? Nah. I’m scared for her just imagining what could’ve happened. Appreciate that she told you immediately, check out r/asoneafterinfidelity or counseling or something else if you don’t think you can move past this, and thank whatever gods you might believe in that this wasn’t worse than “light” getting taken advantage of- I guarantee you she’s doing the same thing.

17. With the proviso that I have not experienced being drugged, so I don’t know if the black out part rings true for anyone who has experienced it. Is it possible that she was drugged? She may not have noticed if she was already drinking heavily already, and maybe he slipped something in her drink. Anyway just a thought, as the whole ‘black out’ part stuck out to me. Maybe she wasn’t reciprocating but he was making out with her.

    I think the fact that she told you right away is a good sign. From what I’ve seen on Reddit, people who are actually planning to be unfaithful don’t generally tell their partner about it unless they absolutely have to, and jump through lots of hoops to try and make sure said partner doesn’t fine out.

18. The fact that she told you immediately when you got home shows she does respect you. She didn’t lay it on you when you were still away eith work and she told you in private and in person. All these are good things (well, the news was shitty…but the way she handled it).

    It sounds like she could have gotten away with it too which shows me she wants to be honest and is more likely telling the truth.

    Taking a few days to sleep separately and figure out your feelings is a good thing. Think about what will help you move passed this…caps on drinking, buddy systems with trusted friends etc

    She was taken advantage of and I am really glad for both of you that she had that flash moment of sobriety and was able to get herself safely away.

19. Think the most important thing here is that she told you immediately and felt awful about it. This is not the situation where you wife has an affair that she tries to cover up and you eventually discover. If this is all that happened it is not worth wrecking your marriage over IMO.

    Bigger question I think you are asking yourself whether there is more to this story that you know. You want to believe there is nothing more, but feel like you need to dig a little deeper, but also are afraid this will make her really angry if she really was the victim.

    Think the question you have is whether she really had sex with someone but it admitting a partial truth of just making out and being a victim in case someone else saw something and was going to tell you. There should be a way to talk to her friends to help confirm the story and timeline without making it seems like you don’t believe her. For instance — how long was she separated from the group and can her friends account for her whereabouts when she was not with them.

20. If your taking what she says at face value, your wife was sexually assaulted.

    Do you have reason to believe she is lying to you? Because in your comments you seem to say that she has never given you reason to distrust her.

    If that is the case, she has gone through something really traumatic. Yes she got drunk, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to touch her.

    If she isn’t lying and you have fucked off to the bar and made it all about your hurt, then yeah I can see where this is going…

21. Thot

22. Leave her man. Trust me, I know how hard it is to do that and how easy it is to say that, but the relationship is over. She is obviously not someone who is ready to be married if she is out there getting blackout drunk while you are away… If you take her back after this then you are setting a really low expectation for your boundaries and she will not respect you like she did before. Nor will you ever trust her like you did before. You will both be damaged for ever after this and there is no real recovery from it. You could try marriage counseling and try to fix her drinking problem, but there isn’t really a point. My ex would go get blackout drunk and she ended up making a mistake because that is just what women with that kind of attitude do. I took her back and it didn’t take long before she got drunk and fucked someone else raw.

23. I’ve had an episode like this. I ended up in bed with someone I shouldn’t have and have regretted my actions for almost 25 years. It’s why I chose to never get that drunk again, regardless of how safe I feel in the company I keep.

24. I think she’s telling the truth. She could have said nothing. But she told you. I often feel like people should run screaming from most relationships that are posted about on here. But I think, presuming there are no other signs of infidelity, you should let her off the hook.

    You obviously can’t help how you feel, and you should not keep it from her. If there are ever any signs of her cheating, obviously walk away. And if heavy drinking is a problem for her, she should seek therapy.

    I once “came to” with a MUCH older, unattractive woman going down on me. I knew her and didn’t really like her either. She was repugnant to me in all ways. This was something I never would have chosen if I’d been sane and anything pretending to be sober. If what your wife said is true, which again, I think it is, this is NOT a choice she consciously made. She was wildly impaired. I’m glad she came to when she did.

    My biggest concern is that this is not a regular habit. If it is, THAT is an issue that needs to be dealt with.

    Otherwise dig deep into yourself and think about the relationship. Is she a faithful person in your mind? Do you trust her otherwise? Awful things happen sometimes. This was one of them. Try to find your love, try to eschew betrayal, because if her story was true, she didn’t mean it.

    I wish you the best of luck. Hold on to what you love about her. Cling to the best memories and new experiences and let that heal your hurt. Talk this out over time and let it heal. I’m sorry.

25. So where were her friends in all of this? Like she was in a boat drinking then ends up at a bar making out with someone. You mean to tell me during her blackout period in between of all of this her friends didn’t notice she was messed up? They obviously transported her to these places.

    Idk sounds like a lot of missing pieces. You need the story from the so called friends maybe they have a different recollection.

26. I don’t understand these comments. Your wife was essentially sexually assaulted and Reddit is out for her blood? And then people wonder why women hide things and don’t report…

    OP, do you have solid reasons to assume she is lying to you? Because otherwise you should direct your anger where it belongs – with the guy who took advantage of her – and offer support to your wife.

    Poor woman, at the moment it sounds both like she was assaulted, ditched by her friends, and now ditched and blamed by her husband.

27. Life is hard but sometimes we make it harder for ourselves.

    Ask anyone who’s been cheated on. You will never fully trust her again. You’ll always wonder who she’s texting at a moment, where she is, if she’s being faithful. Essentially, staying with her will rob you of long term peace.

    TLDR: Don’t make your life harder by staying with a cheat

28. Think about it this way – what if you punched her while blacked out? Would you still be guilty?

    Alcohol is no excuse. She drank herself into that state by her own choice and free will.

    You know that one – “Don’t drink if you can’t handle your drinks”

    Drinking to the point of blacking out is irresponsible and shows poor self control.

29. OP be aware that you only have her version of events. A version that paints her actions with as little culpability as possible. It may be true, or it could be the start of a trickle truth.

    Call the people who were with her and ask what happened. Do NOT prompt them about what your wife told you. Pay close attention to any inconsistencies. It’s important you get the full truth of this because your trust in your wife has taken a hit and anything that confirms what she says will help you. You’re not looking for bad news, you’re looking to corroborate her story. You could also ask the bar to see surveillance video from when it happened.

30. I was a binge drinker in my late teens/early 20s and I would blackout regularly. I even named my “alter ego” because I swear she would do things I never would… In my case at least, it had nothing to do with subconscious desires or anything of the like, it was as if I was possessed by someone else. I’ve seen countless videos of someone who looks and sounds just like me- but I have no memory whatsoever. Ultimately the burden is on you at this point to decide if you’ll forgive her, but if it helps, I’m sure she’s mortified. This is definitely hard, but not beyond repair

31. She shouldn’t be going to bars getting smashed without you imo but that’s just me, not something you do in a committed marriage. That said I would be angry with her ‘friends’. Why were they not looking after her, like it should be unsaid when you go out with your friends you look out for each other so shit like this doesn’t happen. Be mad that she she was so irresponsible to drink to the point of blacking out, I mean thank God she didn’t black out and drive or get raped, or killed. Maybe set some healthy boundaries about what’s acceptable with each other when going out with friends and drinking like setting a drink limit per hour you both stick to
    If she’s never done anything like this before than I would believe her, tell her how you feel about the whole situation, and decide how much you want this marriage to work and also decide if you can ever forgive her. If you can’t then maybe go to counseling with her, if your marriage is worth saving.
    Is an alcohol issue suspected at all? I know I have done very similar to this before, and I’m sure she’s feeling like total trash rn because it, not feeling like she got away with something Some dudes are straight aggressive and disgusting and look for girls that are fucked up enough not to remember. That shits traumatic. Try to be supportive and forgive her, don’t shut each other out, for better or for worse, you took that vow.

32. Ugh, you want to end the relationship because your wife was assaulted? She told you she didn’t consent. Unless you think she’s lying? Why would leaving her even be a consideration here? Was she “asking for it” because she dared be intoxicated?

33. Assuming she is telling the truth, which she has given you no reason to doubt, she was just assaulted. She might have even been roofied, especially if she doesn’t usually get black out drunk.

    She was abandoned and not protected by the group she was with, and taken advantage of by a stranger. That’s horrifyingly traumatic. There isn’t anything to “let her of the hook for”. She needs help and therapy and empathy. She needs you to be there for her.

34. She wasn’t taken advantage of. She is an adult it’s her problem if she blacks out.

35. Time can heal alot of things. So take your time. I personally would hate to hear that you guys split because of this. I understand your anger and sadness, but I would for sure try to heal this wound. Like I said it’s going to take time but try and work on it.

36. If it can happen once, it will happen twice unless something drastic happens. And unless you can accept this infidelity and disrespect, I suggest you bail yourself out now. You don’t know what else did she catch along the way.

37. Kissing in a bar doesnt just usually ”happen”. It has actions that lead to it. Meaning she propably was flirting with people and subconsciously didnt care 2 cents about you while taking those actions.

38. How long does your wife thinks she blacked out for? Is it possible she could have been slipped something? Some drugs take as little as 15-30 minutes to take effect and can last an hour or so, but can last much longer. It just depends on the drug, how much and etc. I would definitely at least urge your wife to go file a report and start therapy. This is a sad situation no matter what. I’m sorry this happened.

    Edit to add: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/date-rape-drugs

    Hotline for SA: https://www.rainn.org/resources and their website

39. I don’t know her but this seems weird to me. Do you think she may be trickle truthing you or flat out lying? If she was black out drunk, then she couldn’t give permission so this was rape. Tell her she needs to go to the police and file rape charges. Even if she doesn’t know his name, she can give a description, tell them what bar and they can get surveillance footage to help identify him. (In all honesty, they probably won’t do all that since she doesn’t seem to be physically injured) but her reaction may tell you a lot. If she freaks out about the mere suggestion, there may be more to the story than she’s telling.

40. Leave her OP. Divorce is the only way

41. I think she’s telling the truth,i mean she could have stay quiet about it and it will never reach your ears.in my clubbing days i use to see a lot of these drunk girls just let guys do whatever they want and dont remember what really happened and regret it the next day.i think to end the marriage is kinda extreme,i know you’re hurt and angry,but i genuinely believe your wife didnt really wanted it to happen.but the best course of action is to investigate,i know you have doubts,she could be fabricating,try meeting her two friends and ask,ask around,you might be suprise how it helps you to make a decision…but in this case i think she’s telling the truth,still doesnt hurt to know more…

42. OP, did she sound scared and traumatised? Did she wake up lying on the floor with the man kissing her? Or is she using being drunk as an excuse because she now regrets it?

    When I was a 16, I passed out at a party. When I came to, I realised a man was on top of me. I kept zoning in and out of consciousness. Despite all that, I knew it was wrong and I wanted him to leave me alone but he was too strong and I couldn’t stay awake. I was traumatised (still am occasionally 10 years later).

    Your wife clearly cannot handle her alcohol and it’s probably in her best interests to stay sober and find new friends that will actually look out for her.

43. Sounds like she made a mistake and is tryna to come up with an excuse you don’t just “come to” in the middle on binge drinking you’d have to stop drinking for that to happen. Most likely only told you to see what she can get away with and will continue to push your boundaries

44. updateme!