I’ve been married for 17 years. I met my husband when we were in college and he was 24; I was 22. We got married young (I was 23) and he started a career that was pretty high stress then.
About 5 years into the marriage, he developed bipolar 1 disorder, which his mom and maternal grandfather both have had pretty severely. Gradually, he would get super depressed for months at a time and I didn’t know what was wrong. At the time I was working weird hours and the only way I could cope with the low energy at home was to turn back to my anorexia and at least have control over my food.
The bipolar got worse; he had severe manic episodes where he would rage at me; threaten me, scream at me…he once pointed a gun at me. I encouraged him to see a psychiatrist and his mom did too. She told me meds absolutely saved her life. He has tried several meds but he doesn’t stay on them consistently and he will still have times where he’s very mean to me and threatens to do really stupid things like just quit his job or buy tons of land.
In the meantime, my anorexia has gotten bad as well; I’ve never been hospitalized for it but I am probably close. I am trying to recover mostly on my own, but I’m starting to think a separation would be good for us so that we can get our heads straight before trying to be married.
Has anyone else navigated mental illness in their marriage and how has it affected you?
FYI—we do not have kids. We knew we had so much emotional baggage that it would not be fair to bring a kid into the works.
3 comments
You guys cannot both get better if you’re both sick together.
Both of those diseases need to be managed, & I feel like you need to separate yourself from him so you can focus on getting yourself better. Hopefully he chooses to use the time apart to focus on himself but that’s out of your control.
Thinking of you.
I’m bipolar and part of the deal with being with my husband is at least being on medication and taking it regularly. I might add that I’ve been in and out of therapy for almost 35 years so now I only see someone if I am going through something.. which usually has to do with a medication mismanagement on my part. Medication saved my life and it also makes my relationships so much more manageable for me and those around me. It can take a while to get the right cocktail for bipolar and there will probably always be adjustments that need to be made.. but that’s the nature of the thing.. I know that I will probably be on medication for my mental illness for the rest of my life. I don’t like it but that’s the way it is.
Also, in the long term if his bipolar is not being managed his manic episodes will only get worse and worse. This is not a disease that gets better over time with no treatment.
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like a complete nightmare.
First of all, I’m very sorry to hear what you and your husband have been going through. However, I am extremely concerned about your safety. The fact that he pointed a gun at you is NOT OK. You said he is mean and threatening to you, and it sounds like he has not been willing to stay on medication or work closely with a psychiatrist. Also, your own mental and physical health have already suffered as a result of this.
I don’t think you need me to tell you that you’re in a toxic and dangerous situation. Your gut is telling you that you need a separation, and I would strongly encourage you to seek individual therapy as well. Since your partner has threatened you before, and since leaving an unstable person can be dangerous, you need a good plan for how you’re going to get away from him for the separation in a safe manner. You might even try calling a DV shelter or organization just for a free and confidential consultation. (I’ve volunteered in such places, and calling just to talk is completely normal, though you should do it from friend or relative’s phone so that he doesn’t have access to who you called ,etc.)
Prioritize your safety, your life, and your health because that’s all you really have control over, and your life has value. Take care. ♥️