The tile kinda says it all. My marriage has been crumbling lately. I love my wife more than anything, but I know that I definitely do not have a healthy way of showing it. We have really bad fights that have been becoming more frequent.
Our sex life has always been good, but lately it has been a bit non-existent and I think that is due to my low sex drive recently and stress levels. She feels that I’m not attracted to her anymore, which I can understand her perspective.
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Our fights lately have been brutal, and usually start by trying to talk about something, which then leads to a blow up. She usually resorts to blocking my number and leaving, which drives me nuts. I will do whatever I can to keep talking to her, which I know is wrong of me and I should give her space.
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We have been in therapy, but lately haven’t, but I really want to go back. I want to work through our issues, but I’m afraid I have already caused far to much damage to repair for her. I don’t know exactly what advice I’m asking for, I guess I just need to say I really screwed up. The best advice I can give is, don’t take your loved one’s for granted, because they may not bet there the next day.
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Get a different therapist and go back tell her you need support and stop arguing also tell her you want change and love her don’t be afraid to go as a couple to therapy you need professional help!!
this is very vague and non specific screams gaslighting while looking for some kind of validation
So, what did you do? This post doesn’t specify how you messed up your marriage.
You say you’ve done things to hurt her but don’t say what exactly you’ve done. Why does she feel the need to block you and physically leave your presence? I would only do that if I felt scared or threatened. Feel like you’re being deliberately vague with this post.
How long have you been together and how long were you together before you got married? I ask because I’ve been in a serious relationship for 6 months now and we are at this same point. For me, I have to reframe everything: the way he talks to me, my thoughts to his angers, my beliefs about why he does things, all of it. Old assumptions cause me to see his behavior as more destructive or intentional than it is, which makes me paranoid and defensive. My solution to this is consciousness and being aware of my feelings and disconnecting from them. It sounds woo-woo I don’t know a better way to explain it.
Right now you guys are stuck in a Habit. You’re going to have to reprogram the feedback loop you’ve created to stop the program from playing out. It’s based on trauma and ego-memories that are projecting onto each other. These memories form neuronal pathways that are causing you to act unconsciously (subconsciously for psychology people), once you step out of Time, you should be able to see it for what it is.
Good luck.
Go radical.
You get your mindset from what you feed it on, so whatever you’ve been feeding your brain – stop, because it doesn’t work for you.
Stop whatever shows you’ve been watching, stop whatever games you’ve been playing, stop whatever books you’ve been reading, stop whatever social media you’ve been consuming. If you have friends you see a lot, then cut that back for a while too.
Go on a crash diet of compassion, kindness, and gentle communication. Subscribe to 20 different YouTube communication channels and start every day by watching one.
Subscribe to podcasts and listen to them here they’re talking about meditation or compassion based therapy or communication skills. Listening to healthful podcasts during your work commute are a great way to retrain your brain.
Even if the subjects that aren’t directly related to your problem it will get the flow of your thoughts into a different lane and it will be good for you.
Buy a self help book and read at least a chapter a day.
The idea is to surround yourself with a new way of thinking. Humans are massively influenced by their surroundings – so change yours!
In the meantime – start telling yourself that there’s no such thing as winning a fight.
OP you kind of sound like you might have undiagnosed BPD. Maybe peruse the Wikipedia page and see if some of the symptoms line up.
That might help you seek the right help.
Edit: borderline personality disorder
Nothing changes unless everything changes. You have clearly caused your wife a substantial amount of pain with your choices and behavior. This is not to come off mean, but I’ve been there. I would change a few days or weeks and right back to my ways because it’s easier to be comfortable in your own chaos and toxic patterns.
If you don’t want to lose your wife, then put in the work. The biggest tip I can give is that you are not in control and there is no winning in fighting. The energy you pour into fighting and trying to hurt your wife could be used to nurture your marriage and foster an environment of healing and love. Your wife is fed up because an apology without change is simply manipulation. Get in therapy. Twice a week if you have to, both solo and couples . Sit down with your wife and hear her as a person. Listen to her thoughts and take accountability for your actions. Don’t apologize and make promises that you’ll never do it again, but make realistic commitments and take steps in the right direction. You both have to be on the same page and putting in the effort to want to make your marriage better. If you both are not on the same page and putting in effort, it just won’t work. But it all starts with a conversation, and it won’t be an easy one, if where you want this to go and what each of you are willing to do to get there. It’s a team effort, but you have to pul your weight to right your wrongs if you have done majority of the damage.
Its hard to say much. What you’ve posted makes it sound like you’re both at fault, but you say its all you, so I assume you’re right
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>Our fights lately have been brutal
Stop this. If a talk starts getting heated, pause. Its ok to say something like “I’d prefer we not argue, lets take some time and revisit later if we need to”.
I dunno, I get the distinct impression you know exactly what you need to do differently, you just choose not to. I’d focus on that part, for some reason you’re CHOOSING to continue down this path and you need to figure out why.
This reminds me of my ex… you know there are problems, you know you need to fix them, but you can bring yourself to do it. It’s like you want to… but something inside you believes you’re justified in your actions. I say this more abstractly because I don’t know you OP, but my ex certainly had part of him that didn’t believe I was worth letting go of certain behaviors for. Like someone said here, go radical, go nuclear. If you want to save your marriage cut the bullshit no matter how safe it feels.
First, a marriage is in sickness and health so you have to try and fix the sickness together but to be a “together” you need to be kinder to your wife and learn to be kind to yourself.
Learn to say you need a time out rather than lashing out and say hurtful things. Treat her like your reflection because ultimately you are one together. The more empathy and kindness you’ll learn the more she will see an actual change.
Like I’ve seen in many comments, divorce isn’t a solution. But it is understandable she considers it so its good at least that you’re not blaming her for it. Be realistic and actually push yourself to do it so you don’t lose your better half.
I’d also suggest that for a few days( if you can) how about initiating a little getaway somewhere quiet where you set up a good space to talk properly about your relationship, list what you did wrong (same for her) and talk about it as a “together”. It can go much better with a good communication and respect of space. You’re both human being with different emotions and needs, it’s up to the both of you to work it up together as a team to make it a smooth sail.
Good luck
Get the sex back on track. It’ll help with the arguments.
What do you fight about?
it’s not about giving her space, it’s about using the space she asks for to work on yourself. it seems like you know what the problems are and that means that with the right amount of effort, you can clear things up. advice is make the effort to find whats broken and fix it. it is well within your power.