My brother has always had aspirations to work in film and spends a lot of time in LA looking for film gigs. He frequently calls and asks me for money, and I always do what I can for him. Back in March he called me and was frantic. He told me his roommates had stolen his camera as payment for rent they didn’t receive from him. He demanded I give him $3000 to replace the camera. When I said I couldn’t do that, he insisted I could cosign a small loan for him instead.
I was literally working at the time and when I couldn’t respond to his text messages fast enough he called me screaming and crying into the phone. He said working in film was the only way he could be happy. If he had to work doing something else he would be miserable and suicidal and accused me of being cruel for refusing to finance a new camera.
I tried to get him to calm down because my client could literally hear him across the room but he continued to yell. I told him I was concerned for his mental health, that his frantic nature and threats of suicide needed to be addressed by a professional. I told him I would do my best to finance a new camera provided he receives help for these problems. He swiftly hung up.
I didn’t hear from him again until that evening when he texted me to let me know I was no longer his sister. He blocked my phone number, Facebook, TikTok and email.
Our grandpa died recently and he refused to speak to me at the funeral. He has a daughter and 3 step children I was close with, but I haven’t been allowed to see them.
My brother is one of my favorite people in the world. I love him dearly and miss him very much. I very much believe he needs some help with his emotional and mental issues, but I’m heartbroken that it cost us our entire relationship.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Is there any way to fix it? I want my brother and nieces back.
15 comments
If he skips on rent and has to take the consequences, that’s not your problem. Tell him when he is like this, you don’t want to help him.
Your brother has mental health issues and unfortunately your relationship won’t be repaired until he realizes this and gets help. If he reaches out I’d tell him he needs to seak help before you’ll consider a relationship with him again
One of the best things to happen to my sister and our family is she insisted on moving two states away with my niece and nephew. She had them taken away by the state due to a felony dad and her own issues and we had to fight for my.parents to get custody when they were really young. So naturally we were apprehensive.
But it became clear to everyone (and her) that if there were people around to catch her in her dysfunction she was just going to use them and drain all the will, finances, resources etc. That was almost 15 years ago and no one would even recognize the person she is now. Not saying it’s a guarantee. But her being on her own forced her to grow up and was totally worth it.
Give your brother time. When he’s ready to talk, be ready. Otherwise let him process and fix his shit.
Boo hoo for him ohh poor him. He eventually will come around or he won’t sucks you lost someone to something financial but it was always ganna happen . He is delusional and entitled a dangerous combo its not up to everyone else to fix his life its his life
Unfortunately there is no repairing the relationship unless you bow down to his financial whims, which you absolutely should not do. He only saw you as a sister bc you were bailing him out of his messes, and the second you show some backbone and say “I can’t help you with a serious amount of money right now, I’m sorry,” he decided you weren’t worth his time bc you were no longer his cash cow.
You’re completely right that he needs professional help, and as awful as it is, if you give in now, you are just going to enable his bad behavior and be caught in the middle of his mental health issues. He will never stop asking you for money, and any time you are unable to provide for him, he will do the same thing all over again. I’m sorry, but until he gets help, there is no salvaging this relationship, bc even if you do what he wants, nothing’s goimg to change.
Where is his wife in all this? Why isnt she helping him? Why does he even have roommates, is he not living with her and the 4 kids?
What do you like so much about your brother and having him in your life? Real question, not making a point.
This seems like an overreaction. Could it be drugs?
Whatever it is, the fault isn’t with you.
Sometimes being left to their own devices is the best thing that can happen to someone and makes them grow up quickly (ie. Realize they’re not entitled to other peoples resources)
The troll in me kind of wants to laugh like “are you sure film is the right career for you if it causes this much drama and heart ache?” I love what I do but I wouldn’t go ballistic if I failed in it, which is what makes me sure I picked the right career.
The best way to handle users is to have nothing for them. “Sorry man, I’m broke too :((( damn I just lent my last dollar to my friend, I won’t have any money till payday” if they dip out you’ll know you were only there to be used by them. I know some kind hearted people do get a thrill out of helping others, but you have to know where your own stance is, and draw the line between helping someone or being used.
The camera incident happened at a time when emotions were high, so to his emotional fight or flight brain, you’ve basically done the equivalent of killing his dreams and children, starving them of his potential income, etc. Etc. Because you wouldn’t help with the camera. That’s why it seems so meaningful and such a big deal to him. From where we are standing, its a camera and a loan and 3k no one is entitled to! The problem is not the camera, the problem is indeed his emotional issues and not being able to see the bigger picture.
If you do want any communication, usually people stuck in this self centered ego state respond well to apologies. Apologize you couldn’t buy the camera. Lie if you must. Say you’re behind on rent and you’d love to help him if you could have. Sometimes petty and small people can only understand other petty and small people. If they see you doing better than them, they feel entitled to your help. “Why can’t you just lend me some money? You have life easy after all.” Is their mindset. To truly understand your brother will help you make amends with him, but will bring to question whether this is someone you really want in your life too.
Unfortunately I can’t say for sure how you’re going to get him to be able to see he needs help. In a survival state he thinks in black and white only. If you don’t respond to him, its because you’re evil and don’t care about him. If you don’t buy the camera immediately, it’s because you’re evil and don’t care about him. This kind of thinking is exactly whats causing his misery and why I see you see he needs help. This kind of brain refuses to see anything wrong with it, because when adrenaline is pumping, believing any flutter in the grass may end your life helps you survive. Immediately assuming you’re evil and don’t want to help him is conducive to survival. Stepping in his shoes, he’s been screwed over by his roommate and estranged from his family. In his narrative he is the victim. Thats why he can’t be considerate of other peoples needs right now. His dream is struggling to take off, he’s eating hand to mouth. Everyone else seems to have it easier than him and he has no idea why. To him you seem to be sitting on all this money and won’t give him any to help his dream. Black and white thinking. He doesn’t have enough self awareness to see his own problems. I feel sorry for him too. :/ but you do have to consider your own boundaries too. Well i just hope my comment gives you insight into how to reach out to him if you choose to, why he may be acting this way, etc. Don’t take it personally.
I know this is going to be super difficult to hear, but you need to let go and move on with your life, and not worry about him unless he makes an effort to change and actually recognize his problems.
Going off of this post only, it seems like your brother has narcissism and other mental health issues he’s not willing to acknowledge, and it seems as if he doesn’t care much for the people he supposedly loves and cares for him. His roommates stole his camera, and the first thing he does is call you and DEMAND that you give him $3k. This is not a small amount. You said you don’t have the amount, so the next thing he does is request you take out a loan?! He doesn’t care about you, or if this will put you into debt and screw you financially. He only cares about the $3k and whatever it’s going towards…camera? Or maybe something else…drugs maybe? His behavior sounds absolutely unhinged and this is common behavior for someone who is on drugs. It is especially a red flag that he behaved SO drastically as to cut you out of his life the second you mentioned him getting help before giving him the money. It’s also as if he’s blaming and taking out something on you and making you responsible for it when you had no involvement. You weren’t his thieving roommate, his roommate is the one who should be replacing the supposed camera – and it’s also highly suspicious that he just immediately wanted you to give him $3k instead of like, maybe asking for help getting the camera back and filing charges on his roommate or something? Also, referencing suicide in order to use it as leverage to get something is incredibly fucked up. This sounds a lot less like he is suicidal and a lot more like he is using it to try and manipulate people into giving him what he wants by guilting them into thinking he will kill himself if they do not cave in to his wishes.
But, it sounds like he has a tendency to use people if you say he literally does this same thing with his WIFE. If he doesn’t care about his wife, his family, you, or anyone else in his life, and only sees them as entities to use…why spend so much of your life worrying about him? I have a mother who is like this, she has a drug problem and only cares about and values people who can give her something. I dared to suggest she seek mental help one day and she cut me out of her life. It was really hard at first but then I realized how much harder life was when she was actively in it. And damn, it’s been a peaceful few years…
I can sympathise here. My brother has still not spoke to me in 9 months after I told my mum the truth when she asked if he was doing ok. The answer was definitely no and he had said stuff to me that sounded like suicidal threats to himself.
At first I was upset. Then angry and now I find it ridiculous. I want to try and get in touch. Hes just spent the weekend at my mums and he still sounds like hes working on this stuff, but I’ve also got my own life and problems not to mention the fact he really has hurt me.
Cant tell you if I’m right for standing my ground and waiting for him to get in touch but either or its gonna hurt like hell until they have their own epiphany to come to terms with their problems. Sucks but hopefully your brother sees what an amazing person you are to be in his life and gets in touch.
Your brother is abusing the fact that you care for him to extort you for money and things. The second you added a caveat on giving him the money, he dropped you. That’s how conditional his love is. And he thinks if he stonewalls you long enough you’ll eventually cave and give him whatever he wants to keep him in your life.
I had two family members like this and it was miserable. Every phone call was a sob story that would eventually lead to them asking for money and this continued on a monthly basis for decades until they finally passed away.
Jeez, OP. He is emotionally manipulating you and threatening to kill the hostage and it seems you already know this.
Don’t negotiate with terrorists, OP. He will never get help if he can manipulate you into doing his bidding.
can only work in film to be happy? what about the rest of the world that works meaningless jobs to make a living. you’ve done your part, bro needs to grow up.
Whatever happens in the future, stop giving him money.