hi everyone,
i find that whenever i get into a social situation, i run through a list of “tips and tricks” i’ve in my head that i’ve picked up on throughout the years before i start talking. Like for example, every single time i’m about to talk to someone, in my head i think “okay so we we’re gonna have to ask 1 question and then comment on what the other person will say 2 times, and then repeat that. also remember to act interested in what the other person is saying. also use what when where how why when running out of questions. also remember to be relaxed and go with the flow”. and i find that this helps at first, but then the trade off is that i need to prepare every. single. time. i get into a social interaction, and if i don’t get every single thing i be learned and apply it to the conversation, i feel like an absolute failure. and when i mention prepare i mean run through the list i mentioned at first, so i end up being a straight up robot for the first part of the conversation. and even throughout the conversation 🙁 what ends up happening is that i ask a stupid question that i’ve probably already asked because i’m too preoccupied running through this “list” in my head. is this just textbook overthinking? it doesn’t help that there was an incident in highschool where i asked a friend a random question, and he picked on me for asking a “stupid question” and that i’m “stupid as fuck” for that. ever since i been tip-toeing over the questions i ask.
i wish i could just combine everything i’ve learned and just adapt to every situation quickly without overthinking.
please help
. thanks 🙂
2 comments
I tend to overthink my social interactions as well. I’ve learned as I got older to stop placing so much value on one interaction. If I say something stupid, I say something stupid. Everyone does, and that’s ok. If the person you’re chatting with is giving you a hard time with your conversing skills, then they’re probably not worth talking to anyways. It’s hard, but try to be in the moment during conversations. Try to take a step back from preparing what to say next, and just listen to what the other person has to say. When you start doing this, you’ll probably find that coming up with responses comes more naturally because you’re truly invested in the conversation. One last thing: don’t be afraid of silence. Silence doesn’t necessarily mean anything negative. It’s completely natural in a conversation, especially with those who you are comfortable with. Hope this helped. Feel free to message me if you’d like to discuss it further.
This is what happens when you’re trying to improve your conversations and/or your social life, and you do it right IN your social life. That’s like deciding you’re going to “work on your soccer skills” by marching onto the field during a World Cup match. That isn’t the place to practice!
You need to practice your social skills in low-stress situations, with people like: grocery cashiers, gym attendants, restaurant servers, librarians, coffee servers, store clerks etc.
That’s where you learn to do an energetic greeting, a great smile, make a comment, ask a question, give a compliment. Do this EVERY time you have a brief interaction with a more anonymous type of customer service person. That will build your confidence. After doing this for several weeks (up to a few months) you’ll be ready to bring your Great Vibe to your social life. With CONFIDENCE that comes from a lot of experience.
Good luck!