How would you react if you discovered that a person you had only been dating a short period of time had an unspoken expectation of exclusivity?

29 comments

  2. Very badly. If it’s unspoken, then there’s actually no official expectation. To expect something via mind reading is a huge red flag.

  3. I’d have a conversation with them about the need for explicit communication regarding expectations

  5. I gotta admit this question made me feel a little immature because while I would react reasonably and try to discuss it on the outside, on the inside, I would feel extremely weird and probably get cold feet about a possible relationship with the said person.

  7. This did happen recently – on our 2nd date he announced he wouldn’t be dating anyone else, informed me he was “not a serial dater,” and then looked at me expectantly. I said something innocuous and noncommittal, like “ok, good to know,” but there was no third date.

    We’d only exchanged 2 brief “good night” kisses at this point. If we’d had sex it may have been slightly understandable, but at this point it definitely was not.

    The term “Serial Dater” and the way he announced it shot up a big red flag 🚩 He came off as accusatory and controlling.

  8. I mean, I would disabuse him of that notion, quickly. By dumping him. When I was single, I didn’t participate in men who were jealous, clingy, or otherwise a red flag.

  9. Ha. If you have wants or expectations you have to EXPRESS them. No one is a mind reader

  10. I’d say “I’ve been there” because I have.

    But it really depends on the amount of “crazy” levels he’s giving off, because if it’s giving me stalkerish, obsessive level vibes then it’s gonna be a block.

  11. I’d wonder why they didn’t tell me about it before, but I’d also discuss it with them about that

    But mostly because I also like the idea of having exclusivity from the beginning, so it wouldn’t be so bad for me, even if it doesn’t work out in the end. It also depends in the kind of boundaries the person has and their expectations

  12. Anything unspoken is asking for trouble and speaks to communication issues

  13. I date with the expectation to see if long term will work… I don’t tend to date multiplayer

    I consider that if I go on the 2nd date than there is an interest…

    Lol if I go on a second date than there is at least chemistry for me and I’m in it to see…
    So at that point I’m exclusively pursuing

    I would hope they feel the same but I guess communication would help

  14. I am the same way, so I’d say “yay”. I’m only willing to date exclusively and expect the same.

    Though it’s not something I wouldn’t communicate.

  15. I never assume exclusivity. It has to be discussed. If someone assumes that they are a child. If they wanted that and didn’t share it, that’s on them.

  16. I’d discuss it with them. Unspoken expectations are problematic, especially ones like this, so we’d need to both discuss what we were doing plus the importance of communication.

  17. Depends on if that persona can see reason or not. I had a dude who was just supposed to be friends with benefits, then I tried to back out of it cause he seemed to be getting attached, then he insisted that he wasn’t and everything was fine….I make it very clear from the beginning that i was not interested in a dating relationship thing, i was actually in love with my roommate at the time too and he knew about that. ended up being a crazy stalker obsessed over me and tried taking over my whole life, ended up spying on me so much and watching me have sex with other people got really possessive and then just broke down about how he couldn’t understand why we couldn’t be together. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how upfront you are or clear with people they just will never get the picture

  18. This happened with me and my partner. I initiated the exclusivity talk because I had been focusing exclusively on him from the start and was getting nervous about that commitment being reciprocated.

    His response was something along the lines of, “Wasn’t that a given?”

    We were also best friends first, so I suppose in his mind this was obviously us inching our way towards something serious. I knew I was serious about him, but I was tying myself up with anxieties about how soon was too soon to expect/ask for exclusivity.

  21. They better speak the fuck up, or when I find out they have some covert contract, their gone.

  22. Anyone I go on a date with, I expect exclusivity from the get go. It doesn’t mean anything, it just means if this person is trying to start something with me, they better not be trying with anyone else. No fucking way. If you don’t want exclusivity, it’s something you talk about, because exclusivity is the norm where I live.

  23. There are different cultural mindsets and approaches to this. I personally have to say, where I grew up/am from & the cultural heritage I come from, both practice “you are not exclusive until it’s official”. In the former, you just have a conversation and decide to be gf/bf or “exclusive”, and in the latter, they gotta give you a ring or do something formal lol (such as meeting your parents, being very clear about what they want & want from a partner, etc).

    However, I know that in different cultures, exclusivity is a thing from the get-go. So I wouldn’t really be shocked or upset, I’d just be more curious & try to figure out if that’s what I’m ready for yet or not.

    My ex did supposedly assume exclusivity (honestly I don’t buy that because I don’t think he was totally behaving as if that were true) early on and got upset when I told him I hadn’t really considered us exclusive for the first 3-4 dates. It wasn’t until maybe date 5-10 that it really happened in my head and we had the actual conversation. At the time, it felt like he was rushing it, but that was mainly because of how he handled it/his reaction (which was poor on his part). It felt like a controlling stance (because it felt like he was having a reaction rather than intentionally asking for it) rather than a “hey this is what I am comfortable with, can we be exclusive? I see you as a serious potential partner”. The reason I say this is that it sounds counter-intuitive, but I “date” or get to know people for *serious* relationships (marriage) *only*. Thus, I will only be “exclusive” with you if I see that potential. I don’t prematurely lock myself down because I take it seriously. It seems that isn’t necessarily the approach people who expect immediate exclusivity take, because from some of them, I’ve heard they are OK being in a gf/bf situation for over 2-3 years. That ain’t me lol.

  24. Depends on how that came up and what we discussed. We’d talk about it. I wouldn’t date them without it being exclusive anyway, so their assumption of exclusivity isn’t necessarily an issue for me. I feel more compatible in a relationship where we are exclusive and monogamous, so it wouldn’t bother me to know that they want the same. I wouldn’t assume someone else was automatically exclusive with me, but I would discuss and confirm it with them before pursuing an intimate relationship with them.

  25. Sounds like immature dudes I dated in college.

    That lack of communication and amount of expectation would be a huge turn off and flag for me- I’d likely either end things completely or give it a long cool down period.

  27. I dont know never been in a situation where exclusive was not given from the start oddly enough.

    I guess I would be fine with it, but I would want to have a talk about it.

  28. I would assume it as a given, if the intention isn’t just a hookup.

    I’ve never really understood the idea of dating multiple people at once, with the idea of a relationship in mind. I think it’s pretty disrespectful and no matter how you try and dress it up you are leading someone on.

  29. Like a monogamous relationship? I’d explain to them that I’m poly and I can’t do that, so we’re not compatible.

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