A bit of a backstory. Me and my best friend have been close for over a decade. She’s had a rough family life and I’ve been by her side through a lot of tough times. We have had mutual friends throughout our friendship and had friend groups in highschool but as we are adults now we are eachothers only close friend. We each have other friends, but they don’t have the closeness of a relationship that we do. We talk everyday, all day either texting or through Facetime. She tells me multiple times how I am the only person who cares for her and how not even her family is there for her the way I have been. So when she says these really meaningful things about me, to me, it makes me feel close to her and happy to know I make her feel comforted. Throughout these years when birthdays and holidays come around she has always has this pattern of telling me she got me a birthday or Christmas present, but when the time comes around I never get it. I have always gotten her gifts on both holidays, and in general I’m always really thoughtful on what to choose as a present for somebody. I put a lot of effort into it and I don’t expect a gift in return. I do it because I like to make the other person feel special and show they are important to me.
Here are some examples of the lies and excuses she has said regarding gifts.
\- Told me one year she got me 7 Christmas presents and that they were wrapped and in her shed. I actually got her 7 in return that year too. When we hangout to exchange gifts, she tells me her little sister (13-years-old) got into the shed and “ruined” all the presents. I never got them or even seen if they were actually there.
\- She told me she got me a bunch of new panties from Victoria’s Secret for my birthday. When I came over she climbed up into her closet and took a random pair of panties out of a box, looked inside them (looked liked she was making sure they were clean) and then gave them to me. The tag inside them didn’t even say they were from VS. I never said anything about it.
\- When she is randomly at the mall or a store she will text me saying there’s something there that I really like and how she’s thinking of getting it for me but never ends up getting it. Or she will tell me after she comes home that “I seen this at the mall, and I was going to get it for you” but didn’t buy it for me. She has said this line at least 5-6 times throughout the years.
\- Years ago I dated this guy, our 1 year anniversary was coming up. He doesn’t buy things online due to not trusting his card will be safe so he usually has friend or family purchase stuff. He talked to my best friend about getting me a necklace, and asked her if she can purchase it online for him and have him exchange her the cash when she gets the necklace in the mail. She agreed and a few days before out anniversary she messaged me saying the necklace came (also she told me what the gift was without him knowing) but when she said it came in the mail she said “it came broken so I had to send it back”. My Boyfriend was pissed and this was the first time I confronted her, she kept dodging the messages when I asked for confirmation emails proving she purchased it.
\- This past Christmas and my birthday (within 1 week of eachother) she said she got me a gift and how I’m gonna love it and when I got hers I was ready to exchange, so when we were on Facetime I asked should I walk over right now so we can give eachother our presents? She said “Yeah, let me just find it” so I see her rummaging through her room, drawers, etc… looking for this gift… I already know what’s happening. She said she can’t find it right now. So I just drop her gift off at her door. Later on she texts me saying “I already ordered you a Valentine’s gift and you’re gonna love it!” and of course a month later I got no Valentine’s Day gift.
I just feel disappointed. It’s not about getting a gift, it’s the fact that I feel lied to and I don’t know why. It hurts more when she gets all her boyfriends these expensive gifts, these men treat her like total shit too. She gets her sister and family gifts also, and theyre sooo toxic and abusive. I think maybe she gets them stuff because she’s trying to win their love, and maybe since she knows I support her and love her that she doesnt need to try with me? I don’t know. It hurts my feelings but this year for her birthday I didnt get her anything for the first time ever. She never said anything about it and this Christmas I won’t be getting her anything either. It doesnt feel right.
If she mentions later this year about getting me a gift I’m going to confront her.. I don’t know what I should I say though.. I dont wanna come across as rude or a brat? I wanna stand up for myself because I feel disrespected. I want to actually advocate for myself.
3 comments
Just, remove her from ur life.. she sounds really toxic and that she doesn’t value you as a person let alone a friend plus checking inside the panties to see if they were clean as if she’s worn them Nd put em into her closet dirty? 🤢🤢 wreaks of so many red flags Nd you’d be a lot happier without her in your life
I don’t understand why you want to make a confrontation out of this.
This is just who she is. Her inability to actually buy you a present is probably more executive dysfunction than her not liking you- and her lying about it is just putting off the inevitable consequences of that, or perhaps pretending she hasn’t failed. This all sounds very much like her psychology rather than her being mean.
Yes, she seems to get boyfriends and family presents. But they are different relationship pressures and she no doubt buries her head in the sand and lies to them in different ways.
This is the friend you have- it is who she is. She is unreliable, she will let you down, and she’ll tell you things you both know are untrue and she knows you know. Pop the bubble of that charade and i’m not sure if anything will be left in its place.
This is who your friend is. She isn’t going to change. Do you want *this* person, as she is now, as your friend or not? Confrontation isn’t going to change her. Telling her you want her to *actually* buy you presents? Sorry, a temporary fix if even that. She’ll still be the same.
I personally would take my friend as she is, I would get her only modest gifts each year in the knowledge she’ll bullshit about buying me stuff and I’d just laugh at it.
But this is from a guy whose wife has forgotten his birthday 4 years in a row
First of all, you’re a fucking great friend. Take pride in that, it’s an exceedingly rare trait these days unfortunately. That would take a tremendous amount of love and patience to accept that.
Secondly, don’t take relationship advice from someone who calls themselves “Adolph Epstein” lmao no offense Adolph.
Obviously your friend has some serious issues. Some real social limitations, and it sounds like a problem with lying, maybe even to the pathological extent. Red flags for sure. But only you know if it’s something you’re willing to accept. It does sound like she’s taking advantage of your kindness to an extent, but I don’t get the feeling her intent is malicious. I think it’s like you said, she’s trying to buy love from others, but knows she has yours already, unconditionally. The way it should be.
With that said, the lying is a huge problem. At least it would be for me, sounds like it’s your main concern as well. This has to be confronted. If it were my friend, I’d have to seriously address that head on, as uncomfortable as that will be. You’ve got to put your foot down. And hopefully come to an understanding. I’d tell her exactly how you feel, make it clear that you don’t care about the gifts, or lack thereof. Clearly. But if this friendship is going to continue, trust needs to be established and retained, which means the lies have to stop. Be ready with examples of times she’s done that, which should be easy cause it sounds like every damn holiday lol just tell her that to make it easy, you guys make an agreement to no longer exchange gifts on the traditional days. If you two want to get the other something sporadically, fine, but it won’t be talked about beforehand, only given. That’s another potential issue I think she’s having. See, she’s getting the praise and thanks of giving a gift without ever actually having to. I came across this phenomenon with my first couple of attempts at working out, right away I’d be telling all my friends and family about my new routine. Accepting the social rewards of that before it’s done, which in turn destroys motivation. If you’re actually working out and stick to it, you won’t have to tell anyone, they’ll notice, and that’s when you’ve earned it. She tells you about a gift, you get excited and thankful, she gets the dopamine dose and it’s over before the actual exchange. So more simply, she needs to not talk about it, but be about it.
With all of that said, don’t go through all of this effort because of some feeling of obligation or to avoid guilt for leaving. If this relationship isn’t worth a great deal more effort on your part to not only confront her, but hold her accountable at first as well, then you’re well within your right to move on and find a friend more like you. But I have a feeling this girl must have some great qualities or you wouldn’t still be hanging in there, you aren’t dumb or ignorant, that’s obvious from your writing and observations of the situation you’re in. So put some serious thought into weighing the pros and cons of the friendship. See where you’re at and where it could potentially, but also realistically, someday be.
I wish you luck with all of that, I truthfully hope this is a wake up call for her and you get the awesome friend you deserve. If you’d like to pick my brain on any of this, vent about it or just wanna talk, feel free to dm. Take care 🙂