for context, i’m 19F, very shy to address or correct anyone due to a past of toxic relationships.
i’ve been with my boyfriend 23M for about 2 months now, and we have yet to have sex due to barely seeing eachother, and the times we have tried we were too drunk to continue.
my bf is very open to comments and communication, although he is dominant. every single time we start to hook up and he tries to finger me, it’s extremely painful for the mostpart, where i’m wincing or i grasp his hand and almost push it away. this has never happened to me in any previous hookup. i think that it’s either too much force being used or wrong placement. i have no idea how to address this with him, i tried to tell him to be more gentle but after a few seconds it was hurting again as he sped up again with force. the pain lasts 1-3 days later, being super uncomfortable.
my anxiety is preventing me from speaking up as i have no idea how he would react or how to “solve” the issue. but each time i get upset afterwards because i’m frustrated that i’m now in pain, have no idea how to express it to him and having him most likely think that my hand grasp is because i don’t want to continue, which is not true. it’s just a reflex because of the pain. i also am afraid to give criticism as i feel i’m not pleasuring him as he doesn’t stay hard long but i feel like that might be alcohol aswell, as the times it’s happened have been very tipsy-drunk.
how can i address this softly without being an asshole? i just want the pain to stop so it can be pleasurable abd not send me into days of discomfort and a panic attack.
any & all advice appreciated.
3 comments
Uff 3 days of pain for fingering? Is he punching? Maybe tell him that pain and that like this he won’t get sex with you, that is not dominance and he is not pleasing you
You want to actually solve the problem. Go see a damn doctor and figure out what the problem is. If its a physical problem see what can be done to repair the issue. If its a psychological problem. Find a good therapist.
You have the totally wrong and incorrect view and outlook on this issue and are clearly asking the wrong question “How to address pain” the question should be “what are your thoughts on this issue?”and although I say that, it is certainly not a criticism that I make of you, nor is it your fault, it is the result of your previous partners from the past toxic relationships that you have had the unfortunate experiences of and it is these previous partners and experiences that have mentally conditioned you to think in a particular way and above all else the wrong way. I will explain what I mean by saying this below in no particular order;
You ask “how can I address this softly without being an arsehole?”
– You should not be seeking to address this ‘softly’, using that very word clearly indicates this is what you had to do in your previous toxic relationships because you didn’t want to upset those partners for fear of their response, so you always approached problems such as this ‘softly’. The exact same thing goes for you saying that you don’t want to come across as being an arsehole which is obviously what and how your previous toxic partners would make you feel in similar situations. —-> The reality here is that you are neither being an arsehole here and there is no need to approach it softly, it’s a simple situation here that you have that requires a discussion and a remedy because you should ever feel uncomfortable or be hurt during sexual acts. It is a case of you in basic terms saying to him that when he does that it hurts you, that it’s not enjoyable for you and it leaves you in pain and hurting for several days afterwards. This isn’t about his feelings here so no ‘softly’ approach is required, this is about you and your feelings emotionally and more so physically.
“My boyfriend is very open to comments and communication”
– Well if that’s the case then he will be very welcoming of you telling him this and how it affects you. If he is a good decent partner then he will listen and take what you say on board and make the necessary changes to accommodate you —-> However I have massive reservations with regards to your statement that he is very open to comments and communication and I will explain why in the next paragraph.
– IF he was like you say open to comments and communication then why EVEN though I am taking into account your previous toxic relationships and the likelihood that you may find it difficult communicating such subject matter as a result…
1) Why do you in telling him this feel afraid to do so?
2) Why do you feel that you can’t give him criticism or guidance?
3) Why do you feel anxiety in speaking up because you are anxious as to how he will react?
4) Why when he was previously fingering you and hurting you whilst doing this and you told him to be more gentle BUT after a few seconds he went back to normal and was hurting you again?
5) Why when fingering you and hurting you that you were wincing in pain and grasping his hand pushing it away didnt he stop?
ALL of those above 5 different points are fundamentally basic things that shouldn’t be happening here if this guy was open to comments and is a good communicator who welcomes communication. If he was then then the following is what would of really happened in those 5 different examples that I have highlighted above;
1) You wouldn’t feel afraid of telling him.
2) You wouldn’t feel that you can’t give him constructive criticism and feedback
3) You wouldn’t feel anxious about speaking up about any of this with him and you certainly wouldn’t have any anxiety or worry about how he may react either.
4) If he was really open to comments and communication then when he was hurting you when fingering you and you asked him to be gentle- Then he would have listened to what you said, he would have asked you if what he was currently doing was and felt okay, when he changed the way he was doing it back to how he was doing it before when he was his hurting you and now hurting you again he would have asked you if this was okay and if he was hurting you BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY above all else that I just said is when you said to him to be gentle then what a real person who is a good/great communicator would have done is not what they wanted to do BUT they would have asked you, “how would you like me to do it?”… “tell me if I am going to fast or slow, to rough or not?, more or less pressure?, can you guide me to how you would like me to do it”..etc etc but he didn’t he went straight back to how he was doing it, the way he wanted to do it after you told him how it was hurting you and not listening. This was all about his enjoyment and certainly not yours which ties in with you saying in your post that you feel like you are not pleasuring him because he doesn’t stay hard when in fact the issue here is that he is only concerned about his own personal pleasure here and not yours and he is not concerned if that means he is hurting you whilst doing it
5) if he was a good/great communicator then he would have stopped when he see you wincing in pain as body expressions are a form of communication and secondly playing devils advocate here, if you were both in a position where he couldn’t see your face and therefore couldn’t see that you were wincing then fair enough to an extent but a good or great communicator will always verbally check in with their partner and how they are and feel BUT you grasping his hand and pushing it away is a very very clear sign that something is wrong and you don’t like what is happening and he can’t excuse himself from carrying on and not stopping.
The fact that to date ALL of your sexual experiences with him have all been whilst you’re both drunk is also a massive bunch of red flags 🚩for me and in NO WAY excuses or explains or justifies what has happened so far and what he has done. Another major set of red flags 🚩 for me is that you have only been together for two months and the fact that he is not listening to you or anything that you have said, that he comes first in sexual situations and you, your feelings physically or mentally and him hurting you don’t factor in his mind you should cut this off with him now as this will get as toxic as your previous relationships, the only positive here being that as your only two months into this then it means that you haven’t caught any feelings for him yet, your not living together or anything else that ties you to him that makes breaking things off all the more difficult.
So end it and cut him off and find someone else that will listen and not hurt you that you can enjoy