Husband won’t help with t kids and views it as nagging when I ask for it

28 comments

1. You could go to marriage counseling but it seems like he really just doesn’t give a damn.

2. He’s definitely in the wrong. You have already attempted to communicate with him and he just blows you off. If he isn’t going to let you get the words out maybe put everything on your mind in a note/letter. You are definitely not in the wrong. If you both work full time then there is no reason taking care of the kids should not be 50/50… he’s just being lazy

3. You two need couple’s counseling if there is any chance here. He doesn’t respect you and isn’t acting as if he cares about you. That’s usually a break up now sort of situation. But given that you have two, presumably young, kids, I am willing to consider the possibility that you are both currently overwhelmed and might be able to restore communication and love if you give it a try. Without couple’s counseling, I don’t see any hope for your relationship.

4. > I get snappy and say “wait I thought I was going to my favorite store but as always everyone else priority’s come before mine.” and just hang up.

   You were understandably annoyed, but that style of communication just makes things worse. Maybe couples counseling would help you express your needs better, and help your husband do better, too.

   Or see if relatives or other parents could help out with childcare. Or maybe sign up for a gym that offers child care.

5. You didn’t say the ages of your kids. It sounds like you are doing day care while also working full time. I know that makes sense on the surface because you are home, so why would the kids go to day care? But it sounds like they need to go to day care.

   That said, your husband’s behavior isn’t excusable.

6. Your husband sounds like an asshole. You work and take care of your kids and he doesn’t lift a finger. You’re not crazy, he needs to step up to the plate and help raise the kids you BOTH brought into this world. I wouldn’t ask for me time anymore, I’d just tell him you’re going out and he needs to watch them until you get back🤷🏾‍♀️

7. Sounds exactly like every other divorced couple’s beginning of the end. including mine 15 years ago. If your parnter doesnt meet you half way they arent a partner. Youll eventually start wondering why youre wasting your life with them and your kids will see you arent happy and they wont be happy. This is the ghost of the future talking. You guys can change course now but it takes two and it might not be easy but whats the alternative?

8. Well first of all he sounds like a pile of crap
   It’s not your sole purpose in life to care for the children

   Second of all I would probably just start sending the kids to day care once or twice a week realistically or look into low income options for child care if you can’t afford it.

   Eitherway the day care Is probably cheaper than the $20000 outpatient bill you will get when you check yourself into a mental hospital if you keep running yourself on E like you are.

   You can’t be a good parent to your children if you don’t have the capacity to care for yourself. It’s a simple fact. You need time to unwind and do things for you, so you can the person you want to be. Not scrape by and just enough to exist to the next day. That’s no way for you to live and that’s no way to be a proper parent.
   So something needs to change.

   If your husband isn’t helping your family then what the hell is he doing there? Id bring up divorce.

9. Yeh what value is he bringing to this relationship? You are both working so it’s not like there’s any excuse here.

   I also don’t get it, I’m a bloke and I love spending time with my kid. Sure I like some me time but if I have been away I go out of my way to spend time with her.

   This doesn’t sound like a partnership at all. I don’t know how you get there but you need to get from fighting to grab time for yourselves to actively trying to make sure each other gets the time they need. That’s a 2 way street though.

   Failing that how hard would it be to live on your own?

10. > I told my husband I need help with the kids.

    Referring to it as *him* *helping you* is kind of the core of the problem. They are *his* kids, too, and he should do his share of parenting. You have them all day at home while also working; you should have a couple of hours off ***every night*** where he fully takes responsibility for them so you can have some daily down time.

11. You need help from people who care about you or you can pay.

    If that’s not your husband, do you have family or friends? Maybe there’s a teenager in the neighborhood who can watch the kids for a few hours so you can relax?

    Don’t give in when you make plans. If your husband wants family day so bad, maybe he can give parenting a try for a few hours.

12. Do you want the link to the gender equality checklist? It’s an exercise/worksheet to do together to see how much one partner is doing compared to the other and what you can do about it.

13. (30m) This is why you live with people before you have kids or get married. See what they do around the house. How lazy they are etc. What their actual habits are when they can’t hide at home.

14. Rather than give advice that doesn’t mean crap, I’m gonna tell you the same thing someone told me when I was in your situation except my ex didn’t bother working. Right now, your kids are learning what a healthy relationship looks like from you and your husband. Is this relationship setting the example that you want for them in their future relationships? If not, you know what you need to do to change that. Please don’t wait until it’s too late for them to see a real healthy relationship and not this.

15. Just read your other posts, are these his children from his prior marriage, your child from a prior relationship or a combo?

    Either way, based on every post you’ve written, you deserve a thousand times better than this and there are good men out there in the world. I hope you eventually separate from him. He is not a good partner or person.

16. Only way is it to put your foot down. If you keep accepting the bulk of the responsibility, it will stay that way. You actually have to have a conversation with him. Let him know he is their father so taking care of them is also his responsibility. Let him know you won’t be tolerating the bare minimum anymore and you actually have to stick to it. Or else well you will forever be the one with the bulk of the work.

    The things you tolerate set the tone. If you want things to change, you need to stop accepting accepting bare minimum.

17. Man, I feel for you OP. I got two kids of my own so when you say you feel like you’re about to go insane, trust me, I get it. The worst is when that feeling comes 1 hour into watching them. You know you’ve got a long long way to go yet. And just when your husband comes home, you think you can get a minute of rest and reprieve, he tells you that he’s had a rough day at work and he just wants to relax. So now you’re both pissed. I get it. Trust me. I’ve been there.

    My advice is day care / school. Or something just to give you a few hours of rest. When you’re used to the chaos of kids 24/7, that 1-2 hour sanity break can be game changing. Or do you have any family willing to watch them for a few hours a couple times a week? We are lucky that her in laws are super retired and like a 20 minute drive from our place. My youngest is a boy and his second favorite person in the world is his grandpa (G-pa > mommy, lol). Some people have cousins.

    My point is if you continue on like this you are going to end up resenting your husband, maybe even your kids. Maybe you’re on here cause it probably just happened and you are (understandably) still seething? That doesn’t mean you don’t love still love them, of course you do. You’re just super sick of them right now. Haha. I think you personally need a few days off to recharge, but the problem will still be there unless you try to find help. Family who can watch them, or day care a couple times a week, baby sitter if that’s an option.

18. Why are you watching the kids now? Send them to daddy! If you keep letting him get away with this shit, it’s gonna keep happening. Also, look into daycare/ a nanny – if he won’t step up, he can pay up.

    Also, I’d suggest a role reversal – tell him if he thinks your job is so easy, let’s switch it up for a week – you go out to work at an internet café, he wfh (or takes a week off) and watches the kids. Whenever someone on Reddit did this, the spouse usually apologized afterwards.

19. First I will say, what you are asking for sounds totally fair and his attitude annoys me. That said I would calmly go to him and say “I think we are both stressed and stretched too thin. Can we work out time each week where we each get a break. Maybe on Tuesday evening I will watch the kids so you are free and Thursday evening you can watch the kids so I can go out. Will that work for you?”

20. > As I’m typing this I’m currently in the shower watching the kids while he’s downstairs doing who knows what.

    Ahhh I’m so confused. You must be the most amazing multitasker in the world.

    Your husband needs to help. If he doesn’t, you should seriously consider leaving. If you leave at least you will get some you time when he has the kids if that’s the case.

21. Hire a sitter. Maybe go see a lawyer. He is a douche.

22. don’t ask, *just do*

    tell him, I’m going out tonight when you get home. better yet, just tell him once he gets home. he doesn’t have the right to say no 🤷‍♀️

    also, I would have just left them with him and went to the bathroom myself.

23. Silent treatment is abusive

24. Honestly I don’t think people appreciate how much energy it takes to watch kids and how much it drains you.

    I live my kids to pieces, but as a dad of just two, working is easier than being a SAHP. It was something I didn’t realize until doing it for a while.

    I think you need to stop asking and just let him know you want to go do your own thing for a day, afternoon, evening, whatever. Ask if he prefers to watch the kids on day a or day b then make plans to enjoy some tome with friends or alone. Schedule a massage, go to a movie or dinner, even just by yourself. Recharge.

    You’ll miss your kids, look forward to seeing them and hopefully he will get a better sense of how much work it is and appreciate you more.

25. Ask/tell him to take a day off work; give him a list of daily chores that you do; then take the day off

26. I will never understand why men (and some women) think they’re not equal parenting partners. I don’t care who they are or how important or busy they think they are. Take responsibility. I get there are mutually agreed roles and responsibilities, etc… But that all starts from 50:50, not 100:0 in anyone’s favour. The only exception to this is breastfeeding.

27. Girl, how many posts are you gonna make about this terrible relationship before you end it? You’re a capable adult!

28. Is this the man you posted about the hidden debt?