Honestly I felt really shitty. It was almost 12am. I had a long day at work just wanted to relax and enjoy some baking. I didn’t have the ingredients to make the frosting for my cupcakes so I tried some diy recipes online but wasn’t really successful. I was really disappointed by my skills level as I like to bake gifts. Although my it’s not surprising as I tried to used yogurt and glucose powder to make frosting which isn’t really a thing. It was more a fun experimentation.
I had just finished decorating a batch of cupcakes which did not look the best. My bf came down and had a few. I was upset and telling him how they weren’t up-to the standard to be sold.He said the cupcake was great it’s just the frosting could have been better. He then brought up how great his sister was at baking.
To me it felt like he just kept going on about how great his sister is at making butter cream. I told him I don’t really like it usually but didn’t have the ingredients for any other topping and I wouldn’t be asking his sister for the recipe. He however kept insisting I should. I felt like he was being an insensitive asshole. That he was going on about how much he loves his sisters buttercream frosting despite not liking frosting which somehow made me feel worse.
I grabbed the tray off cupcakes away from him putting them back in the fridge. I got short tempered and told him to just knock it off and that he was upsetting me. I then started borderline crying and he went upstairs. I feel like either he’s a being inconsiderate or is just avoiding situations as he doesn’t know how to react or navigate social situations/norms. He’s usually a very lovely person but sometimes he just acts so weird especially when it comes to me getting upset.
I understand a lot of people with autism can sometimes not understand social norms or think in a different way however it’s very challenging to deal with in a partner. I feel like it was very clear I was upset and I even stated it yet I feel like he continued to make me feel worse. I’m just upset he always walks away silently if I’m upset or there’s an argument and leaves me frustratedly upset/ crying. He says he knows there’s no way of getting through to me when I’m upset but I don’t understand why he can’t just say something like “love I can see your clearly upset right now I’m going to give you some space to calm down and we can talk when your ready “ or something similar. Instead of going off to do something like game and stay clear of me the rest of the day.
Advice on how to improve our communication/ make me less upset?
Edit: I’ve spoken to him we will be alright. We will be looking for a therapist to work on our communication issues. I’ve been going through a hard time due to some personal issues eg. Work, brothers death and financial issues etc. He told me he wasn’t upset about the cupcakes being taken away from him more thankful I didn’t let him polish off the whole tray as it’s very high calories. He said he thought there was nothing he could do and I wanted him to go away as I was upset.
TL;DR Got upset at my bf over frosting and not sure if he’s being inconsiderate or it’s due to his Aspergers.
26 comments
Sounds like you’re just being overly defensive because you were already upset. I hate criticism of my cooking sometimes too but I feel like this could’ve been avoided if you were less upset and just agreed to check out the recipe. He was trying to help it seems I DK.
I think this particular example sounds like you being reactive, not him being inconsiderate.
I don’t think you were being overreactive. There was no need for him to keep going on about someone else’s amazing frosting while you are upset about how yours came out and even said you were upset. Then after upsetting you he just left?
This is one of those situations where he just needed to support you not try to tel you how to fix it.
Autistic man here, so my advice might biased. Here’s advice I give to all women be upfront, honest and with a compromise, ordinary men don’t get hints, so autistic men won’t get them. You’re bf has a good relationship with his sister and wants you two get along. He saw a problem and offered a sollution (without tact), most men are going to offer sollutions when told problems.
You feel like he’s being inconsiderate,nobody can make you feel any way, otherwise we would all like the exact same media.
Question:did you tell him about his, or did you simply snap at him?
I think that you were being a tad bit reactive in this situation. Not every item that you bake/cook is going to be michelin-star worthy. You will have a hard time growing as a baker if you get extremely upset over every failed dish. I agree that your bf is being insensitive and that is a conversation you should have with him, but aspergers or not, some people are just not confrontational and can’t handle highly emotional/volatile situations.
This is on you for not communicating your emotions of being upset and whatever other feelings you felt when being “compared” with his sister and her baking. How is he supposed to know, in his mind, and probably any other persons, he was just trying to be helpful.
I might suggest working on communicating how you feel better and less reactivity. Non-violent communication might be something to look into.
I have autism and this would have upset me as well. Everyone is different, obviously. But I think being upset at someone’s persistent failure to treat you with any kind of sensitivity and care is valid. Some of these things are things I’ve had to learn, and I’ve misstepped in relationships in the past. However, it bothers me a bit that there seems to be no pressure for men to learn these things in the same way that I (a woman) have had to. I think that we write off men for their disregard of often *rational* emotional reactions. “Men are problem solvers,” we say. “Men need direction.” “Men are just like that.” No. I don’t like this. Emotionality doesn’t need to come second to the fetishization of logic. And I should add, it’s coming second to *what they think logic is.* This is bothersome to me as someone who literally studies logic but okay that’s beside the point.
You did everything right. You clearly expressed that you were upset. That is what us women are constantly told we do wrong, right? Well you communicated and you were *still* disregarded. Forgive me, I don’t know you bf, but I would wager a bet that he’s got into the habit of using his diagnosis as an out for things he doesn’t want to deal with. *As a woman with autism I have never been given this luxury.*
It’s not easy for me to experience empathy but I can comprehend it’s importance. When I accidentally hurt people I apologize. I have learned some general rules about empathetic relation. Like, for example, when someone is expressing sadness or disappointment – *they don’t need their problem to be fixed for them.*
If this were a rare occurrence of course I would give your bf the benefit of the doubt. Autism certainly affects many aspects of life and makes many more difficult to navigate. But it’s not a free pass to be a shitty partner. This might be a fundamental compatibility issue.
I think your frustration in something you’re passionate about maybe led to a bit of an overreaction when he brought up his sister’s recipe. I don’t think there was any ill intention in his words and would normally be a wonderful suggestion if you weren’t already frustrated. I do believe walking away when someone is upset is not the way someone should ever handle relationships but it could be that he just feels uncomfortable in those situations when you’re emotional.
Honestly is this an autism problem or a guy problem? Because this sounds like many guys I know and none of the ones I’m thinking of are autistic.
You’re overreacting.
He offered constructive criticism, the cupcakes were good but frosting needed work. He offered what he thought was a solution to that, his sister.
Would you rather he said “no, they’re perfect and you could definitely sell them”? Then how would you grow?
He has autism so the same cues you may get, he doesn’t.
Walking away is probably the best thing he can do in the moment because whatever he says, you aren’t going to like. Best to leave a situation until it calms down and then have a conversation about it if you feel you need to.
He went about it all wrong and fucked up.
But I want to let you know that he did say your cupcake itself was great.
I think he mentally glitched over the fact that you didn’t have the ingredients you wanted on hand and instead went into “improvement mode” imagining your tasty cupcake with the buttercream his sister makes. And he thinks that producing that cupcake will make you happy.
He might have known you were upset but his solution didn’t have anything to do with what could be fixed in the moment.
I don’t think he’s being intentionally inconsiderate. But I also doubt that knowing that is going to make you feel better. If you don’t want to work on it with him maybe he can find someone to teach him more appropriate reactions.
I pretty much had to tell a friend “ when I say I’m not feeling well I need XYZ”. He actually went above and beyond. He got in a cab with me , took me home, went and brought me things that his mom got him when he had the stomach flu etc.
But I had to give him a heads up.
You’re feelings valid and wanting him to validate them instead of just avoiding you is completely reasonable.
As a person with aspergers, he doesn’t have the vocabulary to communicate that effectively in the moment especially when you’re getting upset.
Our minds start racing and we don’t know what to do so we walk away. It might seem clear to him that he is caring about your feelings by letting you have time to cool off. A lot of things are just unspoken rules to him that if you’d like more communication, you need to give him an exact formula to follow. Kind of like a script. Social situations are like math problems for us so we can’t just come up with something good to say right away.
I also can say, he was NOT trying to hurt your feelings. He most likely saw a solution to the problem and tried to fix it. I’m sure in his mind, all he wanted you to say was “thank you i just might ask her for her recipe next time” so he could feel like his advice was helpful. Now he probably feels ignored and only seen for his bad qualities which, if you haven’t talked to him yet, he is completely unaware of.
He pretty much needs some mansplaining from you sometimes. And he needs you to keep calm while speaking to him so he can fully process everything and understand how he hurt you. Maybe ask for an apology. Tell him that when you say something he did hurt you, all you want is for him to say sorry. He can improve his communication that way.
It’s not easy dating someone on the spectrum. I experienced something similar to you. Overall I think you weren’t being clear enough and the hints went over his head. It’s not your fault, it comes with the territory of dating someone who needs more help with what is socially acceptable.
I also suggest to try not to assume bad intentions of anyone you are dating. Thinking things like “I felt they were inconsiderate” or saying they were acting like am asshole is not helpful because you are assuming their thoughts. If you were in their shoes it would feel inconsiderate, but most of the time it is actually not from their point of view. I doubt his intention was to hurt you and very likely due to him being on the spectrum. Is he seeing a professional to gain more tools?
So 2 things:
One, with going on about his sisters frosting: I feel like he was offering you a solution. You are unhappy about your frosting, his sister makes great frosting. If you get her recipe and it is as good as he thinks it is, you’ll be happy because you made good frosting! Obviously, this doesn’t help you now, as you didn’t even have buttercream ingredients, but in his mind he nay have thought he was being helpful by offering a solution for future frosting issues
Two: If he doesn’t understand how he’s made you upset, if may be easier to walk off because he doesn’t think he knows how to even comfort you. Plus, if my theory is right, he thinks he WAS helping, and when that doesn’t work he feels lost and leaves before he makes it worse or gets angry himself. Have you tried talking to him about just wanting comfort over advice? Like sometimes when you’re angry or sad you don’t want a solution, you just want him to go “oh that’s sucky, I’m sorry you feel crappy” and give you a hug?
Autistic or not sometimes it’s hard to tell when someone wants help versus when someone just wants to feel their feelings and get comforted – even if that doesn’t fix the problem. Problems don’t always need fixing, and maybe for him that’s a challenge to understand.
I understand it’s hard, but I think you two just really need to talk about how you both experience emotions and what you think is appropriate ways to take care of those feelings. Try to understand eachother a little better so you can work on really communicating your needs without assuming the other understands why you need that
it’s your responsibility to manage your emotions- not your boyfriend’s- autistic or not. honestly your behavior sounds very childish and i don’t blame him for walking away because nothing he could provide would satisfy you in that moment.
ESH leaning toward YTA
The frosting sounds terrible, and it sounds like he *thought* he was providing helpful feedback…you know he has Asperger’s and might not catch cues.
YOU NEED TO TELL HIM when things bother you instead of getting mad when he just doesn’t get it.
You didn’t have half the ingredients you needed and did a shoddy job (by your own admission, which is not typical for you), why are you suddenly seeing this as a personal affront?
This is silly.
Him being neurodivergent means he’s not going to behave like you’re expecting him to. He knew you were upset about your frosting, he knows his sister makes good frosting. In his mind, I’m sure he thought he was doing good by offering you a solution. Over and over and over again. That’s what is going to happen when you’re in a relationship with someone on the spectrum.
I feel like you overreacted here. But it sounds like you were exhausted too, which always makes things seem more monumental than they really are.
Man tbh if he really does have Asperger’s I kind of feel bad for him, he probably thought he was helping then you pop off on him from seemingly nowhere (these people don’t really get subtle social clues or hints gotta be straightforwards) . I might be picturing this scenario all wrong in my head but I’m guessing when you snapped his brain probably went ????
Not insinuating that you’re a horrible person but I think just like you want him to you should also consider his perspective .
It’s clear that he lacks the knowledge of how to deal with your emotions. You should tell him: “I got upset because you kept talking about how much your sisters frosting is better than mine. I understand that and I was just experimenting. It is considered rude in a conversation to keep repeating things like you did. I know you probably didnt know that, but I just want to let you know how it made me feel so you avoid that in social situations again.”
He could do it at anytime. If you know he has a social problem it’s hard but just explain it to him in clear as the sky terms and what you need from him to help you feel better.
A common autistic trait is preferring anecdotal communication (bringing up similar experiences) over inquiry-based communication (asking questions). My guess is that he went on and on about his sister’s baking because he didn’t know what else to talk about in relation to your experimental baking and the frosting. He probably felt he was sharing valuable information with you, even though you weren’t looking for that in the moment. I’d recommend just talking to him about communication styles and see if he’s open to try asking more questions/keeping anecdotes more succinct.
As a guy with aspergers it’s really difficult for me to understand what you’re even upset about lol. So let me try to walk through it from my perspective.
From my perspective he tried your cupcakes. You said they weren’t up to par. Then he started thinking about frosting and thinks — my sister makes really good frosting and I usually don’t even like frosting.
So CLEAR correlation between current situation and thought that just entered my mind. So, in an attempt to relate to the frosting situation I star telling you about my sister’s frosting and how she makes it.
Because — clearly — we are on the topic of frosting and this is probably the most relatable thing I can say on the subject of frosting. Because I don’t have a large reservoir of frosting-related knowledge to draw on.
And hey — since you AND my sister like this stuff and I think her frosting is so great — you two should talk about frosting!
Because you guys like that stuff, right?
So here I am — patting myself on the back for carrying on a very nice frosting topic — then you snatch the cupcakes from me and start crying.
Well…that doesn’t make sense. We were both having a relatable discussion on frosting.. but now you’re crying?
This makes SO LITTLE sense to me, the only logical thing I can do is withdraw myself from the situation. Because clearly I said or did something (which I do not fully understand) to cause you to get emotional (which is not even a good way to handle problems — why not just logically state your grievance?).
But I know I’m not good at this stuff and you think different from me — so I will just quietly walk away and you just…do that crying thing you do until you get it out of your system.
Me? I suppose I’ll not talk about frosting again? That’s my takeaway. Frosting = negative reaction. Just say “mmm yunmy” next time and leave it at that.
As someone with autism, I can definitely see *why* he did/said the things he said. Doesn’t make them OK, but maybe this will help you understand where he’s coming from and why his brain processes/works the way it does. It took a LONG time for my GF (she’s not autistic) to figure out how to communicate with me when arguments like this arose in ways that I can understand.
1) How he went on and on and on about the frosting and offering his sister’s recipe. Typically people with autism don’t know how to respond in social situations (obviously). Instead of comforting you and telling you it was all ok and you’ll do better next time, etc, he immediately tried to relate to your situation by sharing a personal experience (enjoying his sisters frosting) and probably thought he was helping you by offering the recipe. An autistic mind will always analyze the situation and see how we can improve it or make it better (including making it better for our loved ones). In this situation, just be blunt as fuck. “I know you think your sister’s recipe could help me, but really I’m expressing my frustration and in this batch of cupcakes despite my usual exceptional cupcake batches. I’m looking for you to comfort me.” Something like that.
2) When I don’t know how to respond in certain social situations, often that involve a lot of emotions, sometimes I remove myself. As an autistic, my childhood was spent sending myself to my room when I was having ‘meltdowns’ (overstimulated) and my parents essentially trained me to self soothe and deal with shit alone. He could think the same (that I’d you’re upset, you might want to be alone). I know I should know how to handle it and that I should be experiencing emotions, but when I don’t know, I don’t know and avoidance is definitely the case. I honestly still
Shut down when my GF cries sometimes because I just.. don’t know how to respond or what exactly she needs. She literally has to spell that shit out for me.
My biggest advice is don’t be afraid to be blunt as fuck. That’s all I want from people. “Can’t you see I’m upset? When I’m upset, I need comfort, I need resolution, etc. If I wanted to be left alone, I’d ask!” No idea if this perspective will help. Sorry for misspelling, on mobile.
Autistic people often use an anecdotal form of communication. He was simply relating to you by sharing his own experience, via his sister, of baking/frosting. He was also likely simply just offering a logical solution to the problem presented (you being disappointed in your frosting)
Neurotypical people tend to automatically read meaning into the things that autistic people say, because neurotypical people generally tend to weave subtle hidden meaning into their words. Autistic people do not do this, they simply say what they mean to say, and this is where this kind of misunderstanding arises from.
I don’t have Asperger’s and given the explanation of events I wouldn’t understand what you were crying about so I probably would have left you to it as well.
I actually think you’re being overly sensitive. I totally get that way too. No moral judgement. He could also have better communicated. In this instance, you were getting quite worked up and it seems like this is about something more than frosting.