I’m (27M) in love with my girlfriend (24F). Just to get this out of the way, we dated for six months before we moved in. Probably it was on the shorter side of dating someone before moving in but we talked about it extensively and we both decided it could work, and so far it mostly has. Either way, the lease was signed and we’re moved in so that’s not relevant.
One thing is that we share a full bed. I’m 5’11” and she’s about 5’8” and we’re both pretty fit. I have issues sharing a bed with her. I always wake up 2-3 times during the night and i wake up groggy even if we sleep in.
An easy solution is that we should probably get a queen bed. But i for one will probably have to save up for that for a month. In the meantime, I’d like to spend a couple days of the weekend sleeping in a different bed. But I know for a fact that she’s gonna take it personally because ive brought it uo before and she was downtrodden about that idea. What do I do?
*TLDR:* ive felt tired af sleeping in the same bed as my girlfriend and i get less sleep, and cant afford a larger one right now
27 comments
Get a Queen or king bed. You’re not children anymore.
If you’re a pretty fit guy, pick her up and move her to the floor while you stay in the same bed so that she won’t get upset. j/k
You can get a [Tuft and Needle Queen mattress for about $800.](https://www.tuftandneedle.com/mattress/) It’ll be delivered to you. You should bring your girlfriend in on getting a Queen sized bed and work together to make it happen sooner than later.
Other than that, take some naps in the meantime or get some coffee to pep you up in the morning.
It all seems very new, so you may just need more time to adjust to sleeping next to someone. But if you’re convince that it’s the bed, you’re going to have to put your big boy pants on and communicate:
“Honey, I love you. You know that. But my sleep is really suffering these last few weeks, and until we get a bigger bed, we’re going to have to I Love Lucy ourselves. I will save every extra dime I have so we can get a bigger bed ASAP because I really want to sleep next to you. But for the meantime, don’t worry, I will never miss an opportunity to kiss you goodnight. “
Seems like you already know your options. My guess is there is a way to talk to your GF about this that won’t make her too angry.
Does she snore? Squirm about? Is she too warm?
You’ll need to explain why to her and she might understand. Make sure you make her aware it’s only until you can afford a bigger bed.
If my partner didn’t work nights most of the time, I’d be like you too
Definitely get a bigger bed. Also I don’t know what the exact issue is, but maybe get separate sheets/comforters! That way you can be in the same bed, but not get woken up by movement as easily. Works for me!
(It sure would click her in brain to not get upset if she saw him sleeping in an air mattress to prove his point. Instantly her brain waking up to seeing him would go *oooh poor thing*)
If you’re going to save up for a Queen anyways, I highly suggest waiting a little longer and saving for a king instead. My husband and I share a Queen and despite us both being fit (and I’m only 5’3/slim built) it honestly feels way too small after you’ve slept in it for a long time. It was miles better than my full size but we’re now saving for a king. Do yourself a favor and save for the King because you’ll probably want to buy one when this begins to feel too small anyways. Currently struggling with waking up multiple times a night until we get a bigger bed.
Show her this post
Somebody already said it, but I definitely recommend using two different blankets! My ex was a HORRIBLE blanket hog. Like would straight up forcibly pull the blanket off me in his sleep. Problem was easily fixed with different blankets. Cooling toppers help you not be so hot, too. Obviously a bigger bed, too. I’d honestly just stick it out. It takes some time, but you’ll get used to sleeping with somebody else in the bed.
When my then girlfriend move to live with me I had a lot of problem sleeping the first month, I think k it was th fact I was not used to sleep with someone at my side every night, it will take sometime but you will get used to it, just be patient.
Get a king bed. Share the cost with your gf. While you save for the bed talk to your gf and be honest with her. That you can’t sleep and people need their sleep to rest and function well, this will be temporary until you guys get a new mattress. You’re both giants, how do you expect to sleep comfortably on a full bed? (Sorry about the giants remark, avg hieght where im from is 5’4 for women & 5’7 for men lol)
I used to feel so tired for the first six months with my fiance. I was tired all the time. It made my depression from life events a bit worse, like exaggerating the fatigue symptoms. We were sharing a queen bed and we fit together fine. But I guess being able to feel each other move about and being uncomfortable with not enough blanket made my sleep less effective? As my therapist told me, sharing a bed impacts sleep hygiene. So it’s natural that people who want to share a bed should upgrade to a king sized bed if they can afford it. My fatigue levels decreased tremendously once I recovered about a month after we upgraded to a king and decided to keep separate blankets.
A full bed and two adults for everyday sleeping is awful! I am 5ft 90 lbs and I have a full bed. When my daughter sleeps with me I can’t sleep at all. It’s way too crowded. Get a bigger bed asap not sustainable
Sleep is a need. You need to talk to her about this. If she gets mad that your needs aren’t being met and not willing to work on a solution then she’s not good anyway.
I’m only 5’3″ and a full bed is too short for me. I always ended up on the diagonal. I can’t imagine trying to squeeze in two people. Talk to your girlfriend about what your sleep needs are and maybe try to catch a solo nap at some point during the day.
I sleep separately from my spouse. I just CAN’T. We have cuddle time otherwise and can lie in eachother’s beds and whatever. But when it comes to sleeping and relaxing I have to be separate.
A full bed is so small. Get a bigger bed, sell you current bed and this extra bed you’re talking about to be able the bank roll the new bed. Your sleep is well worth the cost of a new bed.
It also takes some time getting used to. I took me about 3ish months to get used to sharing a bed every night with my boyfriend. That was after spending about 2-3 nights a week for almost two years before that. Take some time to adjustment.
Oh hell no on the full size bed. I don’t even like the queen bed at hotels but I can sleep in one if I have to.
I personally cannot comfortably sleep in a bed with another adult unless it is king sized (or larger). It has nothing to do with being uncomfortable with the person in the bed, it simply is not large enough if you are somebody who needs room to move in the night without touching the other person or are a light sleeper. Some people have commented that it might just take some getting used to sleeping with her, but it’s also possible that you really need more space. I have never been able to “get used to” sleeping next to someone in a small bed. I do also want to note that a queen bed seems big, but it feels much smaller with two people in it so maybe consider a king.
Sleep is extremely important and you’re likely going to grow more irritable if you aren’t getting good/enough sleep. Sit down with her and explain it again while you save for the bigger bed. A partner who cares about you will let you do what you need to do to sleep!
Just tell her that you can’t sleep and you need to change something so you can. Let her make any suggestions she wants. If she can’t come up with a better solution then you already have one…
My partner and I slept on a queen for a year, it kind of sucked. Before we moved in he would come visit me and sleep in my full bed. We made it work but it was not that restful for multiple nights. I feel for you!!!
Yeah be gentle with her feelings but you are asking for something extremely reasonable… restful sleep. She can be downtrodden but if she is a reasonable person she will come around. And if she doesn’t come around, ask her why she doesn’t give a fuck about your sleep because that’s not a great look for her
There is actually science behind this and research on sleeping separately being healthier for BOTH of you and your different sleep cycles. I’ll link a few articles for you to explore.
It’s legit and I’ve practiced this for a few years now. Not only do I wake up refreshed, I wake up on time, every single day without an alarm clock. I do not feel tired even sleeping 4-5 hours, vs I was super groggy sleeping on shared bed for 7-8 hours. I didn’t 💯% believe it at first, but after a week trial, I’m a happy customer of this experiment. 😀
The last article below gives you 4 myths and explains them in layman’s terms. You need to spin it in a positive way for her to accept to trial it. It’s healthier for you both, because we don’t all start and sleep at the same exact moment, and our sleep cycles have different lengths and durationa (the hills and valleys, it’s a chart, you can Google).
Just have her commit to 1- or 2-week experiment and see. And no, “sexy” time doesn’t suffer. The many married couples who sleep in separate beds are quite happy with their marriages and bedroom romance.
https://www.healthing.ca/wellness/sleep/couples-who-sleep-apart-reap-the-health-benefits
https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/sleeping-problem-separate-beds/2021/08/06/61340332-e800-11eb-ba5d-55d3b5ffcaf1_story.html
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/02/09/separate-beds-married-couples-can-help-relationship-experts-say/4657215002/
https://time.com/6052539/how-to-sleep-better-with-a-partner/
Another vote for a king bed if it will fit. It is actually the width of 2 single beds..So funny that “double” or full size used to be the go-to for couples, now seems impossible for 2 people to ever get a good night’s sleep in one of those. Besides just laying it out, you could consider staying in the small bed on weekends if you don’t have to work next day, or start in the small bed to cuddle, then move. Start shopping soon to see what you both like. There are so many choices.
My boyfriend and I have a queen bed but we still agreed to sleep in separate rooms on Wednesday’s at minimum. Sometimes that doesn’t work out exactly – he’ll have to wake up super early one day or I have the next day off work so we’ll sleep separate. But we do at least 1 night separate a week. When I first moved in he was worried about hurting my feelings but when it’s a set (but flexible) schedule it just isn’t personal. She will realize how much better she sleeps after a while
As the clingy SO myself, may I suggest including a compromise on the days you use the other room. I agree with what everyone says, you need to communicate with her. But maybe you could suggest post sleep cuddles in your bed together for a few minutes before leaving. I also agree with the comments about getting a king if you have the space for it. We got the dream cloud mattress and a frame financed easily.
First step try get separate sheets it has saved my relationships more then once. Second talk to her and make a plan to sleep in separate beds so that you can recharge. Listen to her concerns and make her understand its a short term fix for the current situation. Stop small one night a week you sleep in the other bed and see how that helps. Thirdly get a bigger bed.