I hope this is the right place for this. If not, I’ll remove it. Had no idea for a title.

Hi. Some parts might be rant ish. Sorry. I am not good at expressing or writing.

Some Background: I’ll just start. I am autistic with asperger syndrome. And I never was taught how to express myself in any large capacity or voice how I feel when i grew up. Emotions or expressions. All I really react with is a stoneface when I talk to people, nor am i confrontational if anything is wrong. So I don’t have the highest self esteem/self trust. I just dont know what to do. As a kid i had a nightmare/dream of my birthday. Everything was prepared for it. Cake, decorations and all. invitations sent. As the clock would hit the time for when the party was to start I went to the door. But no one showed up. And i would stand at the door hoping someone would show up. That someone would remember my little day.

Now while playing games online with friends. I feel sad, deflated. We could be three or more in the chat, but none of them talk to me mostly to each other. And the longer it goes on It just saps the joy out of me. I know it is because they are ahead of me in the game we play. But I still feel sad for it. It feels that if I bring it up, i will just be a person who seeks attention and “oh sorry you. We feel so sad for you” situation. And that thought makes it worse so i never bring it up. But i am more and more just going quiet when we sit in vc. Listening while they talk. Hoping they will remember I exist and just ask me a question or something, anything. I don’t like reminding people about things that are related to me. As it feels like it is just attention seeking. So when my birthdays do roll around. I sit there hoping I will get a message about Happy Birthday or something. They are nice people. I’m just worried i am doing something wrong. I am probably overreacting or overfeeling.

Since I seen a plastic bag with more social skills than me. Is there anything i can do? Or should do.

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