I don’t know how to link the original post, but it’s the only other one in my profile since this is a throwaway.
I had no idea so many people would read that post! Thank you to everyone who commented and shared their advice and stories. I can’t express enough how much I appreciate the time you took the time to help me. (To the few mean people, I hope you only find compassion in your moments of need.)
So here is what’s happening. He hasn’t touched a drop since that night and I can tell he’s incredibly embarrassed. He’s doing little things to help around the house without me asking, started aggressively job searching, put together a workout and healthy eating plan, and is giving me random little hugs. He’s trying to talk with me and be chatty. I haven’t brought up what happened or said much at all since I was processing everything and reading all of your comments. (Also have been working a lot.)
I’m going to talk to him about his health and what excessive drinking does to his body. He is so much better than what he’s becoming and I want to remind him that he has value. I think he forgot his sense of worth when he lost his job. He had prided himself on what good care he took of us and our home when he was working. I’ll also remind him how much he means to me. I think trying to shame him or throw a fit when he’s clearly in a low spot will only make things worse and perpetuate anger and hurt. I wouldn’t want to be treated that way if I were a mess and crying out for help. I am going to set clear boundaries though, and if he crosses them, I am considering what to do. I am also going to seek professional assistance for both of us because I don’t expect this to be a straight path.
The comments were really eye-opening regarding the trajectory that his drinking could take and the ensuing health implications and outcomes. I didn’t realize how bad it had become, which sounds like I was in denial or naive, but I promise you don’t always grasp your circumstances when you’re in the midst of them. Also, I appreciate how many of you defended me. You don’t even know me and were in my corner! That is what compassion is.
Again, thank you so much everyone for giving me a reality check. I love my husband very much through thick and thin, the good and terrible times, and I won’t let him convince himself that he’s worthless or let him treat himself as such.
Be as kind to each other as you were to me, reddit! Thank you.
46 comments
> I think trying to shame him or throw a fit when he’s clearly in a low spot will only make things worse and perpetuate anger and hurt.
Being shamed never helped me.
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>I am going to set clear boundaries though, and if he crosses them, I am considering what to do. I am also going to seek professional assistance for both of us because I don’t expect this to be a straight path.
You are a fucking rockstar. I am so proud of you.
I have an alcoholic mother. She also won’t apologize or acknowledge her drunk behavior. And she’s done some fucked up shit while blacked tf out. I actually had to cut ties but you have to realize that they will not stop if they don’t want to. So I do hope he wants to stop and he does but you gotta figure that out. Because unless he chooses to, nothing you do will make him stop. Seems like he’s trying tho and isn’t hiding it or anything. Good luck!
The way to know how bad it is will be when this good behavior doesn’t last. He’s doing things to please you and appearing to get it together to keep you from saying something to him, and it’s working isn’t it? He has grown to count on you to not kick him when he’s down. Please keep in mind that he’s not crying out for help at all. He’s not asking you to help him get into recovery or to help him find a psychiatrist, etc. Do not set any boundaries unless or until you have in mind what the consequences of crossing them will be and are prepared to follow through. If you don’t it will only perpetuate the problem. You are wrapped up in him and what he is doing and plans to do and have to consider yourself first. Al-anon will help you realize where you end and where he begins. I would send you information on Al-anon but it’s more important that you seek it for yourself.
Here’s the deal:
Your husband is an alcoholic. Right now, he has untreated alcoholism. He will do this again. It’s not a question. Id put my entire savings account on the line to bet that he gets drunk and awful again. Because he’s an alcoholic. And he’s not treating his alcoholism.
He’s been enabled by you this entire time. Do you know what causes an alcoholic to want to truly try to quit drinking? Consequences. And you’ve spent years shielding him from consequences. He has absolutely no reason to treat his alcoholism because you’ve enabled it and you’ve shielded him from consequences.
Your husband won’t quit drinking until he’s truly tired of living this way. And he’s not, yet. So he’s not treating his disease, and it’s a progressive disease, so, if left untreated, he will be right back to where he was, but in a short amount of time, it’ll be worse.
You should consider attending an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon is not the same thing as AA. Al-Anon is for family and loved ones of alcoholics. They can provide you not only with support, but they can teach YOU how to stay healthy, regardless of your husband’s choice of drinking.
You can’t fix him. And based on what you’ve said in these posts, you aren’t even in a position to fix yourself. You both need help, alcoholism is a family disease. You can’t force him to stop, you can’t force him to get help. You’re powerless over his choice to drink. But you CAN help yourself. He doesn’t have to sober up for you to begin getting the help you need.
If you need help finding a local meeting of Al-Anon, reply here or shoot me a DM and I’ll give you all the resources that you need.
Source: 6 year sober recovering alcoholic, married to a grateful member of Al-Anon, and we’ve watched our lives be literally transformed.
Adding … please make sure one of your boundaries is treatment for alcoholism. No more pretending that he isn’t. Relapse, even with treatment, and AA and stuff, is pretty common. But without it is near guaranteed. Make sure one of the things he is able to do is admit he is n alcoholic.
Can you convince him to go to the doctor? Maybe you could join him for the appointment? Quitting cold turkey from alcohol can be very dangerous and in the more serious cases, cold turkey can cause death. A doctor is an integral support when quitting drinking for the detox, but also there are drugs to help with cravings.
If your husband won’t apologize or admit to what happens when he’s drinking, very likely shame is a huge driving emotion behind the drinking. I know because me too. Being an addict is hard and positive support is the only way through this. You two obviously love each other. Your husband is sick and needs you. He will need you to plan activities that aren’t alcohol focused. He needs you to keep the booze out of the house. He needs you to not shame him, but to embrace and love him.
You’ve got this.xx
If he’s at the stage of soiling himself because of his drinking I’d say he needs to speak to a doctor about a medically supervised detox.
Try and find a way to treat the state of mind he’s in when he needs a drink. It sounds like that was never addressed, I may be wrong. But if it never was dealt with… the coping mechanism he knows all too well will still be a go to. He’s good right now because it’s fresh and he’s able to fight, and that’s the motivation right now. Eventually the combo of “I feel like a pos” and “she’s willing to work with me”. Or god forbid, he’s mad at you and “FTB” crosses his mind one day. All the sudden, he’s going to the liquor store.
I’m so glad for this update OP, but just a heads up: if he’s physically dependent on alcohol (which depends on how much he was drinking, how consistently and for how long but is very possible if he was drinking multiple drinks every day)– there’s a good chance he may experience physiologic withdrawal from alcohol if he stops abruptly. The most severe symptoms can take 2-3 days to manifest. Things to watch out for include anxiety, shaky hands, insomnia, restlessness and irritability, neaasea, headache, and sweating. More severe symptoms can include seizures, hallucinations, and even death. If he experiences any of these, please go to a hospital immediately for treatment.
Seeing a doctor is a good idea in any case, because they can run blood tests to check on the health of his liver/other things that might be affected by his drinking; they can assess for withdrawal symptoms, refer him to counseling and other mental health resources for alcohol use disorder, and they can prescribe medications (such as naltrexone or acamprosate) that can help reduce alcohol cravings (or refer him to an addiction specialist who can prescribe these).
It seems you are still in denial about him being a full-blown alcoholic. This is not the last drunken episode you will experience, but I do hope you learn to enforce boundaries and consequences, otherwise nothing will change.
I know that you are happy that he is looking to change, but don’t forget: it is an addiction – with each passing day, even each hour -it will be harder for him to not drink again and to keep his good new changes up. You need support from outside. Others gave you tipps what to do in your old thread. Don’t dismiss it or wait to long!
And yes, it is easy to blame someone else if you aren’t in their shoes, especially over the faceless internet.
I hope you can manage it, but it will be a long and hard way and the fight with alcohol will be a constant part of your life.
I really do hope your story has a happy ending. All the best. 🙏
If he’s at the point where he shit himself he needs to be in medical detox. If he’s been drinking heavily for years he’s at VERY high risk of withdrawal induced seizures (these can take place after weeks or sometimes a month + sober). The situation has passed the point of being able to go at it alone. Get him into a doctor ASAP so they can help get him sober safely. Don’t be blinded by the temporary improvements. This is still an emergency situation.
OP, I’d give you a medal if I had one. You might not realize it now, because it is a lot to process right now, but there’s a good chance you saved his life by not writing him off as a lost cause. Trust me on that one. As other’s have suggested, Al-Anon for you is highly recommended, because there are a lot of resources and wisdom to be learned hearing from the spouses and loved ones of people with alcohol addiction. As a now-sober alcoholic myself, there’s only so much from a one-sided point of view I can tell ya.
That being said though, there are two important things that you might want to take note of:
1. When you start to get sober, and your body chemistry starts to right itself, variations in mood are pretty common for a while. Paranoia and anxiety are one of the two big ones. If he suddenly seems kinda freaked out by somethings that might not normally bother him, that could be it.
2. Changes in sleeping habits. One thing that is not really not discussed much is that chronic alcohol abuse totally messes with your sleep cycles. But it’s not quite like normal insomnia. Sometimes you literally don’t feel sleepy, and almost have to make yourself go to sleep because you need to.
Those effects are all down to biochemistry, that you can read all about, and they do pass for most people, in time. Took me a good 8 months or so for that to go away. But that is, of course, with not drinking entirely.
You are living in denial in a false paradise. YOUR HUSBAND IS AN ALCOHOLIC. He needs treatment. He needs an intensive inpatient treatment. If you and your husband does not face this then expect your life with him to be a living hell. Listen to what reddit is telling you. Send him for treatment , if he does not go you need to move on. Seriously!
I commented on the original post saying that he might be on the edge of organ failure – liquid stool being a symptom.
I want to add one thing: he might pretend to improve but stashing alcohol and drinking secretly. Will he just randomly leave the room multiple times per evening? Will he appear drunk while no alcohol is around? OP, I am sorry that we are shi..ing on your good feeling, but you need to get ready for him cheating being sober, relapsing… again and again. The topic of hiding bottles in the house… their phantasy is unlimited. I am to hidden bottles what a pig is to truffles. Please send me a message if you’d want some guidance.
>He hasn’t touched a drop since that night
**OP, he NEEDS to see a doctor, people can die from quitting cold turkey.** Call his doctor!
He needs medical detox. 199% Alcohol withdrawal can cause seizures and heart arrhythmia and can be fatal.
There you go again, with your kid gloves. Your husband is a raging alcoholic who shit on your floor. The time for being gentle is long past.
And by the way, he’s been “behaving” because he knows he fucked up. Once he sees you’re going to keep being a marshmallow, he’ll go back to being a raging drunk who contributes nothing.
OP, I know you mean well and you love your husband.
…But, unfortunately, based on your description it appears he is an alcoholic now in the make-up phase, ashamed of his behavior, and probably trying to white-knuckle it by not drinking.
I don’t see this as something he can maintain.
He needs professional, medical help. You also need to gain insight into your role in this equation as an enabler of his drinking, your co-dependency in his disease.
I really encourage you to find a therapist that will help you both together, bonus points if they’re a therapist who specializes in addiction or alcoholism. Your husband needs a professional to help him through emotionally, and you need a professional to help you support him.
My worry is that you’re the type of person who often forgets to take care of yourself because you care so deeply for others. When you’re on a plane and the flight attendants are doing their little drill about the oxygen masks that drop down, they say to always put your mask on first before you help your kids or others. That’s because if you don’t have enough oxygen in your system, your thinking will become quickly impaired and you’ll be in just as much danger as they are.
The situation with your husband is just like this. You’re both in an emergency, and he needs help. But you’ve *GOT* to make sure you are in a well enough place to help him. If you feel burnt out and overwhelmed, remember that you have to put your mask on first.
I notice that you still don’t use the word alcoholic. Because that’s what he is. Not in this post or any of your comments to your previous post. You call yourself an enabler and admit that he has a “problem” but not that he has an addiction or is an alcoholic. You need to admit that to yourself first before you can take any further steps. Him not drinking for 2 or 3 days (you said this incident happened this past weekend) is not indicative of a change. He will drink again. Because he is an alcoholic. He needs a program and most likely a detox. This isn’t something he should be doing alone. I hope for your sake you can admit that first to yourself and then say the words to him. Dancing around the problem doesn’t help anyone. Please help yourself, too. You deserve a better life.
It’s great that he is making an effort, but sobriety is the not the same thing as recovery. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that will only get worse until he is ready to address the root cause of his addiction. He may be able to stop drinking for a few days or even a few weeks, but it likely won’t last.
It is also dangerous to completely stop drinking. Alcohol withdrawals can lead to seizures and sometimes death. This is why people were recommending detox on your first post. Since he is not working, this would be a good time for him to focus on his recovery (detox, rehab, AA, therapy, medication, etc.). However, his recovery is his responsibility and he has to be willing to put in the work.
You should also consider Al-Anon for your own recovery. Alcoholism is a family disease and his disease has undoubtedly affected you. It will be very hard for you to change enabling behaviors and set boundaries, but you are not alone. Al-Anon is a great resource for this. I read your last post and it sounds like you might be in denial about how serious your husband’s condition is.
What you’re going through is not normal, so don’t normalize it. However, there is hope if you’re both willing to work on yourselves and your marriage. “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” When you become sick and tired of being sick and tired, Al-Anon will be there for you.
Edited typos
I really hope you understand this 5 days of normal behavior doesn’t erase the decades of bullshit.
I cannot stress this enough – if your husband starts to severely detox (uncontrolled shaking, sever nausea, etc) get him alcohol immediately as he could be approaching a seizure and that could be the end of it.
A good book that thoroughly explains the damage that alcohol does to the mind and body is “The Anatomy of Addiction” by Dr. Akikur Mohammad. Booze is literally the worst – it trashes everything inside of you and most times when the alcoholic makes it to a doc it is already to late and the risk of dying is in the mix.
Make an appointment (maybe for your self too) to see your General Practitioner Doctor. Explain that you are seeking medication for quitting drinking (Like Naltrexone) – when answering questions about volume and frequency of drinking DO NOT sugar coat anything – now is the time for 100% honesty.
It is a really hard battle but it can be won – I wish you and your husband the best of luck – if you want any additional resources just ask. I figure you have been inundated with info already and don’t want to add to the pile unless you are looking for it.
I had a relationship with alcohol much like your husband. One drink just made the rest taste so much better. I hit a breaking point after a very embarrassing couple of weeks. Not long after that I sought out some professional help from a substance abuse therapist. Therapy made me realize that although alcohol was the consistent variable in my ever growing shitstorm, it wasn’t the actual cause of it. I had a lot of trauma that was never taken care of. Since then I haven’t had a drop for more than 2.5 years. I owe my sobriety to my therapist, and to myself for finally get sick of my own shit. Sounds like your husband might have hit that point himself. There is no shame in getting help and I wish you both the best of luck!
He’s an alcoholic and you’ve become a codependent enabler.
Why chase after him? Let him get arrested. You’ve spent all these years cleaning up his virtual messes for him and been fine with it, why should he care about a physical one?
I’d be done. You’re raising a child. He “talked like a grown up” for ONE day and you were overjoyed. Your standards are THAT low?
And he IS abusive if he “lectures and nags and avoids conversation”. That’s emotional abuse.
Let me ask you – do you have a history of abuse in your family or an alcoholic or addicted family member? Because somehow you think this is normal and not that bad.
It’s fucking awful.
He’s an abusive alcoholic. Done and done. Sure he has some good qualities. People liked Ted Bundy too.
Honestly, if you REALLY want to salvage this – and idk why because it’s never sounded that good – I would LEAVE and let him take responsibility for his own life. He will faceplant. Then maybe he will seek help.
YOUR urge will be to rush in and save him. Instead of doing that, when you feel that urge, call a therapist instead. One who specializes with addiction and the spouses of those who are addicted.
This is a great post and I don’t want to rain your parade. Just remember that it is also addict behavior to swing drastically the other way and become obsessed with diet, exercise, career etc. I dated an addict and though she was clean she still displayed that obsessive behavior and it wasn’t healthy.
Please do find yourself a therapist. He also needs to be in therapy. Once you’ve both had a few months in therapy find a couples therapist as well. Setting boundaries will not be easy and having your own therapist to help you work through that will be key.
Best of luck.
lol please i don’t want to read this
My ex used to do better for a week or two afterwards. Then he’d slip back into drinking, and usually he’d hide it.
Take yourself to AlAnon. You can’t change or manage your husband’s drinking, it doesn’t matter how much you talk to him about health or beg him to get help – it has to be his choice. He has to do it for himself or it won’t work.
Doing the thinking for him about health, setting the boundaries for him, setting instructions for him – it’s all forms of enabling. Absolutely raise your concerns, tell him how you’re affected, but do not feed him solutions. He’s an adult, let him be responsible for himself.
Your priority right now needs to be *you*. Go to AlAnon, and go to therapy. Learn about your own boundaries and how you can grow. Focus on yourself. Your husband will either choose to change for himself, or he won’t – but you can’t make it happen for him.
Personally, I think you keep downplaying the situation. Nowhere in the post did you use the words that fully define the situation: addiction or alcoholism.
I hope everything goes well for you and you can get ahead, good luck.
If he starts drinking again: don’t try to stop him, don’t go pick him up, don’t take his keys, don’t collect him from bars, don’t try to get him home before the cops catch him doing whatever, etc. those are enabling behaviors. I know intuitively it seems like the right things to do, and prevent him from hurting himself or others- but it’s actually enabling. If you want them to have a chance at getting better you have to let addicts do what they’re going to do, experience the consequences of their actions in full, and maintain your own boundaries and consequences with them.
The reason liquor stores were considered essential and stayed open during the pandemic is because alcoholics going cold turkey can be deadly. Make sure that he quits with the help of a doctor – I have no idea what you need to do when you can’t go cold turkey.
It’s troubling that you still seem unable to use the world “alcoholic,” as I think that will be integral to progress and healing for the both of you. But, I wish you the best of luck.
But you are still making way too excuses for him. And you are enabling him. You both need therapy. I don’t think you see how much you walk on eggshells around him to not set him off
Tbh I still feel like you are handling this way too softly. Yes he is your husband but your enabling is really really dangerous here. Him being “good” by helping with things around the house and giving you hugs (wtf) for 24 hours is not accountability. This really speaks to how little he has been held accountable for his behavior and how little he thinks of both you and himself.
Also I’m gonna be honest, the fact that this man shit on the floor and couldn’t even clean it up properly, leaving streaks of feces around your house, and then not even apologize or sit YOU down to beg for forgiveness and vow to turn his life around is absolutely baffling. That would be the absolute last straw for me.
Disinfect your house please.
I feel like he is doing this to derail you from doing the ONLY healthy thing at this point, “Go to rehab and then AA or something equal or we are through.” It’s time to play hardball. You’re fighting for his life. This has zero to do with shaming. You need some hardcore therapy because you are still in denial.
1) he’s an alcoholic
2) it’s been two days of not drinking. It’s nothing
3) he needs to address with you what happened. Pretending it didn’t happen isn’t going to help anyone
4) he’s an alcoholic.
-signed a woman who left her alcoholic ex
A glimmer of hope after 48 hours of not drinking, job searching and working out is just to make you feel better cause he’s suddenly “trying” The dude realized he shat on the floor and that he better pick himself up before YOU call him out on it.
Don’t hold your breath. Tell him to get his ass to AA and to find a job.
Girl, drinking is EXPENSIVE. If he’s not working, who is paying for the drinks?! You’ve become his enabler and you are paying for his addiction.
Anyone else. Price she still never called him an alcoholic in this post
…I expected this to be an update to a completely different post about a husband pooping on the floor, from a month or so ago.
I do not like that there is more than one recent post about husbands pooping on floors.
ANYWAY, I’ve just read both of your posts. I’m appalled that it took an actual floor-shitting event for him to be embarrassed. He should’ve be embarrassed about the times you have to come get him from the bar when they’ve called the cops. And about the rest of his behavior, honestly.
I’m also shocked you’ve stuck by such a person who’s not just embarrassing, but a shitty partner and an unapologetic alcoholic. But, as you said, sometimes we can’t fully recognize the circumstances we’ve found ourselves in. Unfortunately, it still seems like you’re in denial about how serious this is. I hope the professional help you’re seeking for both of you includes an individual therapist for yourself that knows a lot about alcoholism and addiction. You are definitely going to need help seeing clearly and realizing the hard road ahead of you both.
>I’m going to talk to him about his health and what excessive drinking does to his body.
Let a doctor do it. A doctor should be helping him detox right now anyway. A doctor can also run a blood panel to check on his organ function, and may even be able to prescribe medication that aids in sobriety.
I’m glad his behavior has improved since last night, but I want to caution you that it probably won’t last. It doesn’t sound like he mentioned 100% quitting, which he definitely needs to do, because he is very much an alcoholic. Even if he agrees to quit, it’s really tough. Odds are, he’ll drink again. It might take many attempts for him to quit, even if he’s serious about stopping. But it’s possible! If he slips up, that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or not trying hard enough. Nor does it mean you should just let it slide. A therapist can help you navigate this, I just mention it so that you keep your expectations in check.
I love that him cleaning up after himself without her asking for 2 days is some huge feat worth mentioning. Dudes a lazy alcoholic slob and OP is in way too deep to see how horribly she is being treated.
Unfortunately, I got to your earlier post too late and it had already been closed due to reaching a comment limit.
I noticed a lot of other people commented to drag him to a or an in-patient facility. As someone who has gone through this with their spouse, I wanted to pass on a few things that I learned in my experience.
1) No one can force an alcoholic into treatment. You can’t pressure them into going before they’re ready. They have to hit their own rock bottom and make the decision on their own. Reason being that until they’re ready and make the decision for themselves, they will be consciously or subconsciously putting up a fight and that’s not going to help with their treatment.
2) The three C’s of Al-Anon: you didn’t Cause the addiction, you can’t Control your husband’s addiction and you can’t Cure the addiction.
3) The only person you can control and change is YOU. (If you’re like me, a ‘FIXER’, this is going to be really hard for you to accept.) The only person who can control and change your husband is your husband.
4) The best thing you can do for both of you is to get yourself into a support system for families of alcoholics like Al-Anon.
5) (This was the most difficult for me because I am the kind of person who feels the need to fix everyone and their issues.)
You need to learn how to stay in your own lane. No matter what happens, focus on yourself. Don’t try to fix him or help him fix himself. Don’t keep him out of trouble and don’t be the one who helps him get his fix. If he’s acting a fool at the bar, don’t get up and pick him up. This is what an ENABLER does. You’re not his mom, you’re his wife. Support him and encourage him. But don’t fix him or get him out of trouble. He’s a grown man that needs to handle his own issues.
Sending so much love light and peace your way. 💙💜💙💜💙💜💙
Im in a bad state too, we all go through it but life is long and things changes, All we need is Dedication, People who loves us and sometimes people with expertise, Good Luck and wish you good health
Edit: Recommend he sees a doctor to check the liver, excessive drinking can hurt the liver causing more serious problem in the long run(If the drinking is as bad i assume)
This won’t last. He WILL relapse. You stated in your previous post things would escalate and he would stop like this and then relapse. I am a addict as well. He needs professional help, last time he soiled himself, it won’t be long until he kills himself with his drinking. Just lost a friend who was only thirty to liver failure. If he is really committed he will voluntarily look into treatment programs
You need to deal with the massive elephant in the room. He’s a massive alcoholic:(
OP – I apologize if my comment is a repeat of what’s already been said as I haven’t read the what’s been posted.
I will start by saying I have 9+ years of sobriety. I am concerned about your husband stopping drinking cold-turkey. He needs medically supervised detox so that he doesn’t suffer seizures/stroke and die. Ethanol (EtOH) detox is DEADLY. Around 48hr post cessation he will begin to suffer severe withdrawal and that will continue for 3-7 days. Most medical detox will take 3-4 days, but in severe EtOH dependency, of which I was, a week long medical detox may be necessary. For reference I required an 8 day medical detox.
As for treatment after medical detox, an intensive in-patient treatment program for at least two weeks has to occur for any chance of maintaining sobriety. Early recovery is so fucking hard and if he doesn’t have therapeutic-based coping mechanisms and strategies to get him through the mental, emotional and physical triggers and cravings, he WILL relapse.
I’ll leave you with these last few thoughts/points:
1. Relapse is part of recovery, but it doesn’t have to be part of his recovery if he doesn’t want it to be. He has the ability and potential to be “one and done” when it comes to rehab and remaining sober. I am thankfully able to say that, as of today and tomorrow, I have chosen to not let relapse be part of my recovery. It is possible, but it’s also not a failure if relapse does occur on his journey to sobriety…as long chooses to stop drinking and try again.
2. As of now, he has stopped drinking. He put the bottle down and now he never has to do the hardest part of stopping drinking again by putting the bottle down. He now has all the control and power in his hands for remaining sober. He doesn’t have to get sober again, he’s doing it already.
3. Sobriety will only come for him if he is choosing it for himself. He can also do it for others, like you, but ultimately he has to be choosing sobriety for himself 1st and foremost.
4. When he is in the moment where he’s about to use (and he’ll be there a lot in early recovery)he needs to remember the pain and play the tape all the way through. He needs to picture in his head drinking from that bottle, and picture all the terrible things that come from deciding to drink all the way to shitting on the floor (or whatever his rock bottom was that got him to stop drinking) THEN decide if he wants to go all the way back to that time and accept that his next rock bottom will be worse/more painful than his last one (that’s the playing the tape all the way through).
And finally
5. All he has to do is not pick up to remain sober.