reposting this by changing the title as it was more attractive to men readers, but I am looking female perspective. appreciate your understanding.
​
Hi everyone,
I have been reading this sub for a while and saw a lot of good conversations here. I don’t know what I am looking for by posting this, but I want to put it out there and see where it goes. So first, I apologize for the long post, and second, I request that you please keep your comment respectful.
Here we go: back in 2018, I found out the love of my life, my(m44) wife(f44) of 17 years, had affairs since 2014. Apparently, it started 4 years after we got our daughter(10). 1 year of emotional affairs with multiple people online and one at work escalated to physical affairs with 2 people, one in another country and one at work.
When I found out, I was devastated. I went through 1.5 years of Major Depressive Episode (MDE) followed by 1 year of PTSD. worked with 2 psychologists and 1 psychotropic to fight off MDE and worked with our couple therapist to get out of PTSD. Back in 2018, I confronted her during our third couple therapy sessions. During the 5 days leading up to confront her, I managed to get my hands on all the messages, pictures, and every digital footprint you can name (the biggest mistake of my life and I am not proud of it)–seeing those cost me PTSD.
She owned her actions and showed remorse during the session. We worked on the recovery in the last 4 years and 3 months. Last Xmass, we agreed to continue recovery till our daughter leaves the house and at that point, we re-evaluate our marriage and decided what to do.
She brushed most of the conversations she had with the affair partners about me as fantasy thoughts. 3 years into recovery, last Oct, when I saw not much improvement in our relationship, I told her I was thinking about separation, and at that point, she started fighting to keep our marriage alive. When I asked her why she wanted to stay with me, she said because I gave her feelings of being safe!! I never understood that sentence.
Something died in me back in 2018. Till today, I feel I lost something. Back in 2018 my therapist told me I was grieving for my lost marriage. I agreed, but I am not in the state of mind anymore. I am going to give some context below:
1- we never had big fights
2- we had our normal ups and downs in our marriage
3- we always respect each other till today
5- my first love language is “physical touch” and the last is “acts of service”
When her first love language is “acts of service” and the last is “physical touch”
6- I always help with homework and also do all the house projects
7- I am the one who take our daughter to all sorts of extra activity classes in the last 10 years.
8- as per our couple therapist, I have the primary relationship holder with our daughter
9- I have a higher sex drive than her (at least that is what I was thinking before seeing her messages)
10- She admitted to our therapist she was looking at me as a gentleman and never thought of physical with me
11- She had vaginitis 8 years into our marriage and in 2008 finally listened to me, and she worked with sex therapist to resolve it
12- she tries to show her love to me by providing my services, like making smoothies when I work in the garden during summer or making me breakfast from time to time
13- I am craving physical touch most of the time.
14- our intimacy is 2 or 3 times sex per week. No lovemaking. Not sure at her age if it is too much or what, but during the affair, she seemed very sexual and craving for sex a lot.
15- no one other than our therapists know about affairs
16 -I am staying because of our daughter. the family dynamic is now stable and healthy for her.
​
TL;DR! Not sure what else to say. Looking for the female perspective
8 comments
>10- She admitted to our therapist she was looking at me as a gentleman and never thought of physical with me
What, ever since day one? Or since you found out about the affairs?
“When I asked her why she wanted to stay with me, she said because I gave her feelings of being safe!! I never understood that sentence.”
to me it sounds like she wants you as a safety net. what a cruel lady. I am so sorry she did this too you. I think there are some books about this kind of stuff? maybe check out the surviving infidelity subreddit they probably have some fantastic advice!
>I am staying because of our daughter. the family dynamic is now stable and healthy for her.
I’d rethink this. Even if you and your wife aren’t screaming at eachother, you’re clearly miserable in your marriage. What you’re showing your daughter is that marriage is a thing to be endured, even if it’s a bad one. Marriage should be a relationship that people are in because they’re happier together than apart, not a miserable slog built atop resentments to be endured for others.
Kids aren’t idiots, and you’re not hiding your unhappiness from your daughter.
Wow. This is somewhat relatable to me. I’m a woman and found out a few months ago that 4 years ago my husband cheated on me with a prostitute. We don’t want to break up the family either. But I would if I wasn’t getting what I needed from him to move forward which is remorse (sounds like it’s there) full disclosure (sounds like you got that). And a new intimacy. We are actually making a new start. The old marriage is dead. I threw our rings out into a field. We will renew our vows when we get there. If at any point I feel like the remorse is gone, the honesty is gone, or the intimacy is gone, I’m gone. No matter what that means for the kids. We’ve been married for 16 years
, Together for 23. Long term monogamy is so very hard. I get the feeling from your post that she is needing something more sexually that maybe she’s not even aware of. That’s just a hunch though. Also, I am not completely innocent. I left my husband (at the time he was my boyfriend)for a two months and slept with someone else. This devastated him. He went through PTSD about it was well and never coped correctly from it. I left at the time because he didn’t want to get married or have kids. Fast-forward 16 years and it turns out he didn’t want those things because he had a porn addiction he was hiding from as well as childhood sexual abuse. It’s all such a tangled web but a new start has been really good for us so far. We decided to be best friends and tell each other everything best friends would. What we fantasize about, who we find attractive, what we want to try, on and on. It’s a refreshing start and lighter not to have to worry about not being truly fully honest with my best friend. Sorry long winded and not even sure if it helps at all. 🤷
I had to add after reading that it may be a deeper intimacy with you she may be needing. Not very many people can get that or know how to.
Nothing to decode. She’s a liar and a cheater. She doesn’t respect you. Your child or herself really. I would divorce her and send her packing long time ago. She’ll do it again.
My female friend here says you sound like a woman with all this nonsense and she’s assuming you’re the “nice guy” type and this woman needed someone with some balls in her life and some excitement and a man that isn’t a pushover.
I’m sorry but you should have divorced years ago.
You are still struggling because you’re fighting to resuscitate your marriage when it’s been dead. Your wife is stringing you along as an emotional safety net and a “safe” place to land in-between her emotional and sexual fixes. She is cruel, manipulative, and narcissistic. You’re clearly struggling and she does not care. I suggest you read posts of people who have finally left emotionally abusive relationships. The freedom they felt. The weight lifted. You have your whole life ahead of you. To eventually find someone who does value you.
As for your daughter, sounds like you’re the primary caregiver anyway. Staying together for the kids never works. Kids know. This isn’t the relationship example you want her to grow up with.
You are traumatizing yourself deeper and deeper by staying with her. It’s not going to get any better, only worse with her. You’re just wasting your time. Women never forgive men who forgive their cheating. You’ve been with her four (!) fucking years after learning she doesn’t love you anymore. Why? You could have been happy all these four years with other women.