Hi everyone, let me first describe myself. I’m a 21 year old guy, 6ft, well bulit, with a pretty average face. I’m extremely thankful to god for this, but socially i’m very poor and it is effecting my life and health.
Here’s my story, since childhood i had a habit of speaking less and keeping things to myself, opening up to people i’m comfortable with, also i was quite emotional. It was all okay till high school, i had many friends and a girl i loved so much. after high school she left me (4 yrs of serious relationship), i was shattered it was like someone snatched the colors out of my life, (now she is with a guy who used to be one of my best friend) after that everything was a downhill, many of my friends left, covid happened and i completed my college staying home.
My social status: i can’t open up to new people, i can’t even talk to some friends of my friend. Sometimes i feel others are superior to me. I can’t come up with an immidiate response to insults or in general, later when i come back home and think of the situation, i wonder if i should have said this or that. I overthink almost everything, every word and intenstion of other people. I don’t have topics for conversation, i’m mostly (not always) concerned what other people will think of me. I think negatively most of the time, this has changed my perception of life negatively, i don’t see the world as a normal happy person would see, this is the main reason for my social setback. I’m insecure only about my brown skin and gaps bw teeth haha.
How can i change my perception for life? How can i not be bothered by what others think? How can i be fluent in conversations? How can i not be lonely and attract people? How can i stop being a social looser?
I’m sorry if this was too much of a rant, but i would love to know your views and advice. and sorry for my poor english, Thankyou
2 comments
Hi, 25M here. Can’t say I’m doing any better in the socializing department but hope you can get something from my experience.
I used to be a guy who kept things to himself and his small circle back at school. Then reality hit: friends moved on, I was left with pretty much no one I could call when needed.
Those first few years after school were especially painful. In trying to fit in my immediate circle environment I became a people pleaser, and lost any sense of self esteem left in me. And when I wasn’t accepted (which happened a lot), my confidence plummeted, I was constantly beating myself up for being a failure compared to my peers.
This would last until I realized it was my desire to force connections that pushed me to act desperately, and how much pain I was subjecting myself for this lofty goal. Now looking back, none of the people I were selling short my self-esteem back then had any significant bearings in my life. Therefore in the grand scheme of things, my social ineptness, my stuttering, my pressure to want to be liked; They don’t matter. People will forget your clumsiness, you will meet other people.
I think by accepting that I might never be liked (as I previously wanted), I let go of the insane pressure I was putting on myself. Social interactions became more fun, I stopped trying to find the right things to say. Hope this somehow applies to your case. Cheers!
Take a look at this video, I feel it’s important because you are missing one key ingredient in your life. You don’t love yourself, you’re not in a relationship with yourself.
https://www.reddit.com/r/lifecoach/comments/voeckp/my_thoughts_on_recovering_from_a_bad_relationship/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
If you don’t even know how to love yourself, how is someone else going to love you? If you are not confident in who You are, how can you expect someone else to respect you? The answer to both these questions no you can’t.
You know why I love the world, because I’m the only man and it took me 40 years to really accept myself for who I am but I am unique, I’m quirky, I’d rather do something productive with my time then surf the web or get off social media. This is my normal but my normal is weird to someone else, you know?
You have to accept yourself, you have to forgive yourself, you have to acknowledge that you are an imperfect human just like everyone else. The only difference between you and everyone else is that people can present their best side to you but you have to live with your best and worst side, if that makes any sense. Once you understand that everyone is imperfect you realize there’s no need to try to be anyone else because you are the only one who can perfectly be you.
How do you be yourself? Stop comparing yourself to everyone. The only person you should compare yourself to is yourself and your goal should always be, to be better today than you were yesterday because the present is the only thing that we have complete control over.
Stop looking for acceptance from everyone else. The only person who needs to accept you is yourself. When people see that you respect yourself, they in turn will respect you. Set boundaries for your friends and also for yourself.
When the negative voice is in your head start talking, talk back to them. You’re negative voices are all the voices from your past that you have heard and their goal is to keep you safe but they don’t have to be an ass about it. You have to counter your voices, don’t let them believe you and before you know it they will talk softly and be more of an advisor vice being a tyrant.
If you haven’t already, set some goals for yourself. Do some physical activity, like the gym or running. These things give you confidence in yourself. It shows you what you’re capable of. The human mind and body are at their best when they are being pushed. If you don’t use your mind or body, then you will lose it.
I hope this helps you!