I (39)have recently started talking to someone. He’s (47)seemingly a good match, we have a lot in common, similar goals etc. However, before we met today for a date he said something that made me think about whether he’s trying to live bomb me or if he’s just excited to get to know me. He told me that he was going to fall in love with me, and today on our coffee date, he was telling about his 3 previous ex partners and how 2 of them had children that he saw himself as a step dad to. These kids did not like him and he mentioned that he was good to them, bought them things in the hopes that they would like him. As a parent myself, I can’t imagine trying to buy off my kid or a partners kid with material things for their affection. Am I right in thinking that he’s a giant red flag?
18 comments
Seems to be waving pretty fast
He just may not know how to deal with children. Being a step parent is difficult and kids can be defensive. As a child of a single mother who dated and now a step parent I can attest to how difficult it can be. I think he needs to lower his expectations and not expect to be able to buy affection. He can’t fault children for being defensive or their mothers because it’s totally natural.
“Who is this strong man, who is not my father, being affectionate with the person I love most in the world?”
If he can’t wrap his head around this then perhaps it’s not a good match.
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A 47 yr old man tells you even before meeting you that he is going to fall in love with you?!!
Plus trying to buy off the children?
Yes a Red Flag!
Red flag.
Have you ever seen someone dive into a pool without looking first to see how deep it is?
That’s kind of what he is doing.
He is so eager to get into the water that he is utterly blind to the depth of the pool.
My analogy is imperfect because it might read as though I am insinuating you are shallow – which I DEFINITELY am not doing. You’re…. The lifeguard, watching and thinking, “damn, that guy is about to crack his skull.”
He clearly had no idea what he wants, and even less of an idea of what you want.
He doesn’t want a relationship, he wants a Relationship™️, with Love at First Sight©️ and a Perfect Blended Family®️.
But none of that just happens. It can’t be bought. It can’t be forced. It can’t be predicted. It can be hoped for, but incrementally, and over a looooong period of time.
…I feel like whether it’s today or a year from now, he is going to be *very* hard to get rid of.
**Edit to add** Granted, this is just a guess, but my instinct tells me he will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear in order to get you into a relationship with him. If you continue to spend time with him, his behavior and statements will evolve to fit what he perceives is the “right” thing to say or do. But that’s just illusion, and it will neither feel genuine nor last indefinitely. Eventually, the mask comes off, and underneath might be something… really icky.
He’s trying to rush into a Brady Bunch situation. You’re not on a date- it’s a casting call. He’s desperate to have an instant family and looking for bodies to fill roles instead of getting to know the people in those bodies and realistically assessing whether they’re the right bodies to shove in his white-picket-fence tri-level.
He may be excited but he’s also said cringey things on multiple dates now so I think your instincts are spot on.
>He told me that he was going to fall in love with me
This is before you even met. He’s either insincere or desperate.
Huge red flag. Anyone who tells you they’re gonna fall in love with you so soon isn’t healthy. Speaking from experience.
I’m not a mom, but The fact that both exes had kids who didn’t like him seems like a red flag? And that his answer to it was buying them stuff? Hope more moms with experience in this area can chime in.
If his name is Chuck… run!! 😂 This sounds too familiar.
LOL… all seriousness. It is purely LOVE BOMBING or mom fetish. Had a guy about the same age tell me he only likes to single moms because we’re not nurturing and easier to please. I was floored by the honesty.
I will say – enjoy the ride for entertainment purposes only. Take the sweet words in one ear and out the other.
I’m not sure if he is a good guy but for sure he is a bit desperate. He tried to impress you by talking about kids.
But falling in love that easily?well the rhythm of love is not the same for everyone. So I cant really judge that part.
How about get to know him deeper because I think it is unfair to think he is a red flag. And dont bring him to meet your kids yet.
As a mom, I would not let him around my kids. Something doesn’t sit right. What’s your gut say?
Kids pick up on people very well. If they didn’t like him there was probably a reason.
Thanks everyone for the responses! I thankfully didn’t hear from him since I left to go on with the rest of my day. seeing these replies tells me that I was right to feel like I need to run and not give him another minute of my time.
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Red flags! I believe he is love bombing you. Also, the fact that he is just blaming the children for not liking him instead of understanding reasons of why it can be difficult to accept someone new in their lives who are not their caretakers is a major red flag.