Hey y’all, I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months and he asked me to be his girlfriend officially 3 weeks ago. He lives 2 hours away so this last weekend I went and stayed with him.
He is a very independent and strong person who has told me he has high functioning ADHD so he has the tendency to get antsy about certain things. I am a very affectionate person and he’s okay with this and when I’m comfortable I like to give compliments to my partner so I compliment him daily over text about how strong he is and how good looking he is.
He doesn’t usually respond to this.
He’s told me in the past he feels lucky to have me and I know he finds me attractive and that a lot of men were interested in me before him but he barely compliments me. I put in a lot of effort into the way I look and he never says anything about my nice outfits or when I put in effort for a date he won’t say anything. He also goes quiet a lot and there’ll be periods of time where he just won’t say anything and I respond in kind by keeping quiet too as I assume there’s something he’s working through in his mind.
He doesn’t initiate affection much unless we’re cuddling on the couch, it’s always me reaching for his hand or hugging him and it makes me feel like I’m being too clingy even though he’s stated he doesn’t mind.
I’m not used to this. He says he’s crazy about me, has never felt this way about anyone and thinks about me all the time and we text a lot every day but in person he seems really aloof and in his head. He expresses love other ways such as always picking up the tab on dates, cooking for me and offering to drive me places but I just feel like the verbal and physical element is missing.
I’ll admit, I’ve been in codependent love bombing relationships in the past so I may be overthinking things.
Is he anxious or am I missing something?
I feel it’s too early on to have a discussion about it with him and that I feel he’s not very into me/I’m bothering him.
I always believe actions over words too.
Tl;dr new boyfriend is not outwardly complimentary or affectionate and it’s making me worry that he isn’t all that into me.
Thanks for any advice in advance.
5 comments
It isn’t too early to talk about what you each want and what makes each of you feel good. As you say, he expresses love in different ways. So, a good thing to do is to discuss that, say how you noticed these ways in which he expresses love and you appreciate them, but you really feel good when you get certain things, and you also want to know which things make him feel good. The model of love languages may be a useful framing for discussing this so you can both learn more about what works for each of you and try to put more effort into the things that makes the other person feel good, but you would not as naturally be inclined to do.
im sorry, friend. my boyfriend can be a little aloof with telling me his thoughts and feelings so i can sorta relate. i would try to give yourself some self love at the moment to heal some of that dissapointment.if you dont feel like you’re getting what maybe think about how much you want to invest before you see how it will be longer term . obviously, relationships take work from both sides. maybe you could have a conversation about expectations and preferences?
You need to look into the Five Love Languages. Just because you enjoy giving/receiving words of affirmation doesn’t mean he does.
Actions speak louder than words, any Tom Dick or Harry can give compliments without meaning them, but a man who shows love is genuine.
Hello poster, it’s important to be able to differentiate what you need from what you want and guage your expectations as well. Don’t be too hard on yourself okay. Too much expectations brings disappointment, and if compliment means so much to you you can tell him in the most subtle way.