I has been almost 8 months that I’m single, and I’m nowhere near close to getting a new gf.
I’m not ugly (people even say I’m charming), but I’ve never heard of a girl who had a crush on me. I’m not shy to talk to people and I always have great and lengthy conversations with men even if they are complete strangers, but women never engage when I try to start a conversation them – almost as if they were unconfortable. I make people laugh, I hear them, people seem to like me, yet somehow I don’t have any friends. I always try my best to improve myself and I even see the signs of improvement, but I never feel it pay off.
Sometimes I wonder if theres something deeply wrong with me that I just can’t quite figure out – something unchangeable, on the same level of race or date of birth.
What if thats just the way it is? What if I’m just on the bottom of the male hierarchy because reasons and I just have to accept it? After all, there must be a reason why I’m still a virgin who only dated once while I see guys who I know are assholes get the hottest or most intelligent girls of my hometown. If thats true, whats even the point of trying? Whats the point of chasing women while exhaustively pretending I’m not chasing them only so one out of possibly dozens of girls decide to give me a try and date me, after which I’d live in fear of losing her for any dude she interact with since I’m on the bottom of the hierarchy and she’ll understandably want to move on to greater things for her life.
Is it normal to have these feelings?
2 comments
Well, one thing I’ll point out that is sticking out to me..
“Women never engage”, “a girl who had a crush on me”, “somehow I don’t have any friends”
Your language here, it’s very victim-esque. The questions to ask are what are you doing, like do you make your crushes known to other people? Do you invite others to hang out with you outside of mandatory activities? Are women not engaging with you or are you not engaging with women? Everything you’re saying that doesn’t happen *to* you, take a step back and ask if you’re doing those things on your end towards others?
Sometimes I’ll be sad that I don’t have a partner or many friends… but then I remember I don’t invite anyone out, I don’t set up dates, I’m not doing anything to get a partner or more friends so what right do I have to complain? I mean friendships and relationships don’t fall out of the sky.
Provided that you are doing these things and trying your best and are just getting rejected… You’ve been single for just 8 months and you’re 18… I mean geez, it’s a bit soon to say somethings irreversibly wrong with you. I know many many many well-adjusted people who lost their virginity past 18, and they’re fine! Some people just bloom later than others, some people bloom early. You can’t compare your situation to the early bloomers and then wonder why you’re not the same.
Also, it seems like you’re cherry-picking your examples. You’re seeing jerks with hot chicks and think that’s something to envy. That’s a tale as old as time! Don’t fall for it. Don’t be jealous of it. You don’t know these women or what they’re really like. So what if they’re attractive? They could be hollow shells, it could be a horrible relationship with cheating and fighting and blah blah, why waste time envying just appearances?
And lastly, I’ll say this… don’t play the game. Don’t play the chasing, hard-to-get-game. Falling for someone should be easy. If it’s not easy, it’s not right.
(20M) I’ll be honest, I feel I’m in the same boat often times. “There’s nothing left in the world for me but common courtesy.” as I thought of it once in a dark mood. Here’s some thing that helps as far as feeling like shit over it is concerned. These are just my random thoughts. Don’t take them for granted. I’m an idiot too.
1. There’s cute girls everywhere. Yes, that one in particular is cute, but so is that one and that one and that one. Beauty abounds. Also porn and Instagram models are free and accessible if that’s not a moral concern for you. naked 10s are just a few clicks away. Don’t get caught up in beautiful woman so much that she’s the only woman in the world. Female beauty alone is cheap in the modern era. Just say “wow” in your head and move on.
Figure out what it is that you want and value in a woman outside of “I want a girl I’m attracted to.” Know that very well, because when you’ve diminished beauty by itself as nothing more than a cheap commodity, you have to be looking for someone who gives their beauty some substance. What that means is up to you, but you have to figure out what kind of qualities you’d like her to have as a person.
Then “dress yourself to match” build yourself up to be the type of person that can have something to offer a girl of that calibre. This is really hard in my experience, and is the spot where I get stuck. I don’t even get to “why is no one attracted to me” because I’m still at “anyone worth dating should overlook me because I’m a mess.” 😂
2. Kind of a newer, untested philosophical thought, so take it if you want it. Just think about this whole life thing like we’re all in exile and all of us are steeped in so much debt we have to give our bodies back when we die. That girl you put on a pedestal? She might be beautiful and awesome, but she’s also in exile and buried in debt like you. She’s got problems in her life she struggles with and she’ll have to give all she can her whole life to be everything she can be, and then she’ll grow old and die and have to give her body back too. You two are both similarly screwed. Congrats! Now you can talk to her like she’s a human and not like she’s a goddess among men. In fact, you can find commonality among virtually everyone because we are all screwed (exiled and grossly in debt).
I gave up on the long part because I felt like my tldr summed up what I had to say well enough.
TLDR: focus on you. Your girl is going to be special, but girls aren’t that special so don’t get too hung up on them. Be the man you want to be for your girl, and don’t pander for the crowd. If you live your whole life as a man who ould be virtuous in the ways your woman would genuinely want you to be, but you never find her, at least you’ll die a good man. Let that be good enough. (Ofc find friends tho or you’ll be lonely asf)
I welcome objections here because I’m also stupid and if someone has a better idea then maybe I could also benefit lol.