I’ve (f 28) been dating my boyfriend (m 31) for around two months now. I’m still married even though me and my ex (m 33) are separated and getting a divorce, but we have remained friends. My ex (my husband) has made it clear he is still in love and wants to be with me, however I’ve made it clear that it’s not what I want and he knows I’m now in a relationship with another man. He’s fully aware the divorce is going ahead.
A few weeks ago it was my ex’s birthday, we have been married for ten years so we share the same friendship group. All of my best friends are his best friends. My ex was having a meal for his birthday and he invited me to come along with all our friends. Me and my ex are not on bad terms so I agreed to go but I made it very obviously clear that it was as friends only and he said he knew. The evening was fine, no issues at all.
I’m a very attractive woman, I know that sounds big headed but I’m just trying to paint you a picture here. I upload selfies (nothing sexy, my family and work colleagues see my pictures too) to my social media accounts pretty often. When I do I usually get thirsty guys leaving comments saying things like ‘beautiful’ or ‘gorgeous’ or even some emojis like love hearts and fire etc. you know what I mean. I never ever reply to this men, I completely ignore them entirely. If a woman comments on my pictures I always reply to her and thank her and tell her she’s beautiful too. Men however, I completely ignore them. I obviously reply to my family and friends too.
Well, my boyfriend just broke up with me. When I asked him why he said I was manipulating him by remaining friends with my ex husband and uploading selfies online and having guys commenting on them. I explained that my ex had been a part of my life for ten years and although our romance was over I still cared for him as a person, and that our divorce wasn’t final yet so I thought remaining on good terms would be helpful for the both of us. My boyfriend told me he wanted me to block my ex’s number and remove him from my social media as he hated seeing him reacting to my posts, status etc. I agreed and said I’d send my ex a message explaining that it was affecting my new relationship so I had to take a step back and remove him from my life completely. My boyfriend got really upset and said I shouldn’t even have to say that and if I didn’t remove him immediately with giving him no context then my boyfriend would cut me out of his life forever. I felt really bad about it but I did as he asked, I deleted my ex, blocked his number and didn’t say goodbye or explain why. I was hoping to remain on good terms but my boyfriend was very against it.
My boyfriend also told me that he hated me uploading so many pictures on social media and that the comments and attention I got from other men made him very insecure and angry. I told him I never replied to any comments or dm’s I got and that’s it’s clear on my social media accounts that I have a boyfriend. I’ve never shown any of these guys interest. Not even a thank you. Nothing. I said I’d stop uploading as many pictures and I went through my friends, followers etc and blocked over 500 people. These were guys that had made comments on my pictures. I told my boyfriend what I’d done and he said he was still dumping me because he shouldn’t of had to tell me to do that. I told him once I knew he didn’t like it I listened and did as he asked, I blocked those men and I blocked my ex. He said it shouldn’t of got the stage where he had to ask me, I should of just done it.
I’ve apologised and told him I only have eyes for him and that I’m so sorry I made him feel like this. He says my behaviour is manipulative and that if he did it to me it would be classed as abuse. I told him I disagree, that yes I was wrong to make him doubt our relationship but I absolutely didn’t think it was manipulative or abusive. He hasn’t replied to me since.
When we are out together and I get any sort of notification on my phone he tries to see who it is. If it’s a females name he says nothing. If a male’s name shows up he tells me to open it, he makes it very obvious he’s looking over my shoulder at whatever message/comment it was and how I reply. Once he ‘jokingly’ stole my phone and started going through my dm’s. He didn’t click any of the messages from women but every guys name he opened, if they had flirted he was messaging them horrible things telling them they’d never get a chance with me. He said it was just a joke and again I want to make it clear I had never replied to these men. The first contact they had with me was him pretending to be me and insult them.
On two separate occasions I have uploaded pictures of my day to my story. In these pictures twice you could see a man that was clearly with. He messaged me both times saying how my date was going. Both times I replied that I wasn’t on a date and that him asking me that was confusing me as I thought he was my boyfriend so why would I be dating other men? I explained who the guys were, once it was a good friend I’ve known since I was a child and the other was my brother.
He says all of these are the reasons he’s doubting our relationship and that he doesn’t think we can be together. I’ve asked him to let me prove my loyalty and said now I’m aware of what’s making him uncomfortable I have fixed it and that’s he’s the only guy I have eyes for. He said he was sick of me being ‘distracted’ by other men having my attention and he asked me if it was the other way round would I forgive him. I said yes I absolutely would. He says he’s unsure he can be with me.
Any advice on what I can do to
Make him feel better or what I can say to him? I want to be with him.
6 comments
Why do you want to be with him? Cos all of the things you’ve described just sounds like red flags all over. He’s the one being manipulative and controlling, and he’s the one projecting his insecurities onto you. It doesn’t sound healthy at all to be around this person. If you try to get him back, he will think his behaviour is okay.
So what is it about him that’s so special?
Why do you want to be with him? What about how you feel? What about how he talked to you?
He is super insecure, jealous, and controlling. You have not shown that you are unfaithful. He also had you do all these things and still broke up with you. It will only get worse down the road.
I would run away quickly from this guy.
Leave him. But also work on yourself. You have some issues as well.
I don’t think he can handle a relationship with you right now. For whatever reason. And I don’t think it’s your fault at all. I do think it was a mistake to give in to his demands about your ex and blocking people, etc., in part because it doesn’t even help. But also, human dignity, you know. You have the right to be cute and sexy however you like and wherever you like. He should love that about you and not be SO threatened by it. A little jealousy is probably fun. Based on your post, I can’t imagine anything will actually make him happy.
So, just make yourself happy. Let a better, more stable guy into your life.
Sis. He is a red flag. Classic example of why when the love die you still find the good qualities in your spouse. He is going to have you isolated and probably later on move on from you. He can also turn abusive. Then 20 years from now you look back and realise how valuable loyalty is over cheap thrills and temporary emotions.
You might not be able to see it now, but being dumped by a controlling asshole like this is actually a good thing.