Hello everyone, I’m currently looking for some advice/input on a recent “situation” that came up.
My friend B (20F) and I have been best friends and close friends for a while. I consider her as my own sister who I can trust with anything and it’s the same vice versa. We hang out and talk almost every day and I would trust B with my life. There was a small thing that came up within the past month that has me wondering if we were as close as I thought. I was getting breakfast with a mutual friend of ours (I’ll call her J (22F)) when J let it slip that B was currently seeing someone/in a relationship with another person and that they were going on a date that afternoon. I was a little surprised as B had never mentioned they were talking to anyone nor seeing anyone, and I had talked to B previously that day and she never mentioned anything about a relationship. When I told J that, she just said “Oh, B never told you about who they’re seeing? Never mind, just ignore what I said.” and J continued on with a different story. To be honest, I felt a little hurt to hear that from someone that wasn’t B, considering B and I are very close. After I finished having breakfast with J, I went home to think over what J said.
Over the next week, I continued hanging out with B with hopes that she might bring up who she is seeing, but nothing ever came up. I ended up just asking her straight up if she was in a relationship, to which she kind of glossed over it and then finally said “No, I’m not”. She quickly changed the subject and I didn’t bring it up again until B brought the subject back and started talking about how she was talking/seeing someone for a while but recently decided that she didn’t want to get into a relationship and stepped back, but she did continue going on dates with them. I asked her why she didn’t want to tell me that she was seeing someone at first, and she told me that she wanted to see where it went and that she didn’t want to tell me if nothing came out of it. I got a little hurt by that and asked if we were as close friends as I thought we were, and she said of course we are close. The conversation ended at that and the subject was shifted.
I know B isn’t entitled to tell me anything that she doesn’t want to talk about. I’m happy for her if she found someone that she likes or may want to start a relationship with in the future. It does still hurt me that she didn’t feel the need to tell me about this even though she says we are extremely close friends. I think I’m upset about the fact that I had to hear it from a mutual friend that B told, because I guess it makes me feel like I am unworthy of being told something that I think is a big deal to us. B and I have always talked about what kind of relationships we wanted and the type of person we want to marry. I guess I am a little surprised that this is what ended up happening and I am sad that she felt the need to hide this from me, but had no problem telling J. If I did this to B herself, I already know she would be upset that I didn’t tell her about my relationship, which is why I’m getting hurt that she did this to me.
Should I reach out to B about this and explain my feelings about this “situation”? I want to reiterate to her that she shouldn’t feel forced to tell me anything she doesn’t want to, but I also want to express that hearing this from someone else and not B was a major surprise. B is always talking about how much she cares for me and how I am one of her closest friends, but this has me thinking that we’re not as close as I thought we were? I don’t want this to cause a drift between us but this has sort of been upsetting me for the past week.
Thanks!
1 comment
You might not want this to cause a rift between you and B but no matter what it is right now. If you are not open and honest to her about how her actions affected you then that rift will grow bigger. She needs to understand that her actions with seeing this person does not match her saying that you are one of her closest friends.
Her reasoning for not telling you is BS. She told you about her relationships before. The reason B did not tell you is that you wanted to hide it from you. In this case, it is unlikely it is for her privacy for she told other people. It sounds like you do not know who this person she is seeing is. If that is true then she is not keeping this from you for her privacy. It is to keep it a secret from you. She does not want to deal with how you will handle her going out with this person.
You need to have a heart-to-heart with B and she needs to be open and honest with you. If she cannot be just remember that and know that she is not as close of a friend as you thought she was. Nothing wrong with that just make sure you treat her like such. If not the friendship will become more one-sided.