I can never think of what to say when talking to people?

43 comments

1. Same over here, I hope someone gives a good suggestion.

2. Ask questions about the story or whatever they are talking about. When? Where? Who, what, why?

   Insert feeling __________ “Oh my gosh/wow. Cool. Well that sucks”

   That’s ________ “interesting/so funny/scary etc”

   Question _________ “who did you go with, were you scared, was it fun, where was this at, would you ever do it again?”

   Engage them by asking for any info they might have left out with their emotions around it as a priority. People will usually open up which is a nice way to bond and let’s you know a little more about them and hopefully encourages them to ask you questions too.

   You could also provide a suggestion or solution _________ “last time I was there I did __ and it worked for me. Maybe use __ instead. You could try __ restaurant.”

   And if you can and you’ve already showed interest in their experience, share an experience of your own. This isn’t a top priority because it can be taken as ‘enough about you, let’s talk about me.’

   Even just one question will make you feel more engaging… think baby steps 😊 good luck.

3. Well it depends on the type of conversation. If you talk about like how was your weekend or what you’ve done today you can tell how it was yours or ask how the others was. You can talk about sth you seen/read or sth that made you happy. Don’t be afraid to tell a joke or a fun fact just be careful not to offend anyone or make fun of someone and be sure the joke is funny, not necessarily extremely relevant to the subject. Now if you talk about a certain subject like sports or politics give your point of view, ask if you don’t know sth, you may also find sth new. Hope the instructions were clear:))) please ask any questions!

4. I will tell you what I think: what I think is that people don’t really aim for “normal” or “fine” when they’re trying to make conversation, even though 90% of all conversation is just… fine. And that’s where the trouble starts – the idea that there’s a right thing to say, and that things that aren’t as good as the *right* thing aren’t ok.

   Any time that you’re consciously thinking “what do I say what can I say whatdoisay,” you’re probably anxious and are eliminating the vast majority of possible responses as not good enough, because what you’re aiming for is something interesting, or cool, or funny, or memorable. But most conversation isn’t that! The reason that people get excited and think it’s a profound experience to have super-positive conversations that are amazing for more than 10 seconds is: it’s rare! Think about conversations even with people you know super well. Some of those conversations are just “this fact occurred.” “oh, really?” “yeah” “weird” (end). Because like, if you assume it’s between two people who like each other, what’s wrong with that – nothing, right? There’s nothing stopping you from applying the same rule to people you don’t know that well, except that it’s hard to do.

   When you’re being over analytical (which is what social anxiety does to people), you’re cheating and stacking the deck against yourself, by considering a normal boring response as a failure, but in a boring, normal conversation, boring normal responses are successes! A conversation that goes “boring normal boring normal boring normal normal *fun!* normal normal” is a good conversation, even though it starts off boring.

   So maybe if you reframe it such that you’re *not* trying to be super cool or interesting with everything you say, you’re just sorta keeping the beach ball up in the air with *something*, the mission would become a whole lot easier. I would be willing to bet that you can in fact think of lots of things to say, you just don’t think any of them are very actively interesting. And to that, I would say: so what?! Conversations become fun when there’s common ground – and once you find common ground, nobody remembers that it took 5 minutes of very forgettable ordinary conversations about non-common ground to get there.

5. Hi! How’s your day going? What’s exciting going on? How was your weekend? What did you do? How do you spend your spare time?

   These are the questions you could ask. Start from generic and then move on specific questions.

6. I don’t talk to anyone but my partner most days and usually manage to summon up sufficient enthusiasm to keep him happy or I go online if I don’t feel like talking. Anyone else I don’t care if they aren’t impressed with my social skills as they are just a ‘needs must’ aspect of life. It’s not obligatory to impress anyone or talk to them for that matter. Civility is usually all that’s necessary to get by. If there’s no enthusiasm within me for talking I’m not going to fake it.

7. Something that has always helped me is to think of a “purpose” in communicating. Your purpose can be anything and should be decided early in the day so it can be utilized whenever you make small talk.

   Maybe your purpose is formal or for business. You want to learn about different jobs and how the connect to what you do.

   Maybe your purpose is to discover and learn about more hobbies or find out where some new bars are.

   Having a purpose gives you a compass to steer conversations.

8. I’m exactly the same. I just don’t know how to carry a conversation at all without being ingenuine.

9. Take it easy, the less you think the better. Just ask questions or talk about anything that comes up. Find something in common. But don’t overthink it, you don’t have to be perfect to be social

10. the trick is, just ask about things you know they can answer. people love talking about things they know and about them selves. you get bonus points if you can tell them something nice about them too. so sprinkle little compliments around. You also wrote your question very well, so I know you’ll be quite competent.

11. I usually just say “right on” cuz it’s generally positive and it gives the illusion of you actually saying something when you’re really not

12. [deleted]

13. Ask questions and listen. People like to talk about themselves more than they’re interested in what you have to say.
    I work in an office and I used to worry about what to say in conversation and then would watch people start looking around, check their watch/phone when I would go to insert a comment. A lot of people don’t give a shit about what others have to say.
    Conversations are like a tennis match and asking questions are like hitting a ball. You can’t have a tennis match with only one person and a lot of seemingly socially intelligent people don’t really understand this.
    I never understood this until I was talking to someone who would pause to ask me questions about myself and then listen. It’s like both of us understood we are having a convo and in order for this thing to work we’ll both need to participate.
    If I don’t get a sense that the other person is really interested, I’m ok with it and I stop talking.

14. Me too. Any tips for me?

15. It looks like there’s some really useful advice here and I hope something clicks for you. Not sure if this helps but I work in sales so every single day I have to make small talk with strangers and it’s tough! There’s some things I do to keep conversation going when there’s a lull.

    1. Compliment the person on something. An item of clothing they’re wearing will do. Most people love compliments and so will respond well. If they don’t you have plenty of follow ups – where did you get it etc
    2. Ask them questions. I know this is vague but as you practise you’ll find what works for you. How was your weekend/how’s your week going are good starters. From there you can ask more information on whatever they mention. If they mention a specific activity you can tell them you’re interested but have never known where to start (even if you have no interest whatsoever haha) most people like giving advice so you should get a bit of chat from that.
    3. Tell them about something you read in the news or online lately. If you’re scrolling through reddit you probably have at least a basic grasp of current events. If not make it a point to take 15 minutes a day to read some headlines or something. If you find something interesting chances are they will too and will happily discuss!

    Most of all though I think there’s something really important for you to remember. Conversation is a two way street. I’m sure it’s hard to see it this way but if you’re not getting anything back from them, it’s not your fault it’s theirs! You might try to say ‘but if it’s happening all the time it must be me’ – wrong! I do this for a living and some people just aren’t good conversationalists. You can talk and talk and talk and get nothing back and that’s ok. Just don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Social anxiety is a real bitch and a very real problem and this sub is here to help whenever you need! X

16. It might be because you’re just bored of these people and you don’t really like small talk. If you ever had a passionate conversation with someone, when you always had something to say, then everything is good with you. You just have to find right people.

17. Hey ! So I feel your post really relatable to me so I thought I’d comment. Thing is, I feel like it’s getting better for me with new friends I just met from uni so here are some self-learnt and hopefully useful lessons.

    First thing, I think you overthinking conversation subjects actually prevents you from finding one, it happens… Just try to worry less and it should come more easily to you.

    It’s also alright to have some blanks in a long conversation at a bar etc. Just enjoy them, the atmosphere, and something will cross your mind, don’t worry.

    Another thing, I feel like I’ve became more comfortable with speaking about me when people ask me something about my life. You have to get that no, your life isn’t boring and no, people don’t ask out of courtesy but to enjoy the conversation soooo… Develop a bit your answers about yourself. Start with that and later it will make you comfortable with engaging conversations with personal experiences, so here are some brand new conversation topics for you ! Maybe go out to some events if you feel you never do a lot of things, self-confidence is the hardest part, I think.

    Finally, no, it’s not easier for everyone else. We got so used to watching each other with social media that we are convinced their life is better, but in fact it is the same most of the time. Once you’ll be rid of your complex regarding others, things will be better for you. I think it is more about working on yourself than about having conversation topics, it is for me.

    And if you are in the middle of a conversation, try to elaborate on the other’s answer !

18. I feel the same way sometimes but I found that a good way to help with this is by actually going out and do things you havent done even if its something simple or read something cool once a day. It would give you something to say and if they have an opinion about it, theres a conversation right there!

    Doing those things also increases your confidence so its a plus on that as well.

19. I’m having trouble too responding. It’s not with other adults but I work in a kindergarten class and I feel incapable because I don’t know how to carry a conversation with a 5 year old….

20. I am this way… and I found a great compensation:
    **Ask. All. The. Questions.** (or follow up with encouraging opinions/statements)

    This gets me really far in conversation. I can ask questions/ remark on their stories all day long! Even when they ask me to talk about myself, I find a way to change the conversation back to them…. this has good and bad consequences…
    *Good consequences*: Conversation never runs dry, they feel acknowledged and special, people walk away feeling good about themselves and consequently about me.
    *Bad consequences*: This is only good to a point… the more you get to know someone, the more you will need to open up about yourself. If you only ever talk about them, forever, it starts to get creepy and awkward. Or, at best, people will simply never get to know you so your relationships will always feel “superficial”

    But just for an example, here’s how a conversation might go:
    Them: Hey how’s your day?
    Me: Oh it’s been great. How about you? Didn’t your kid have a birthday party this week, how did that go?
    Them: It was amazing! The kids had such a great time!
    Me: That’s awesome. How many kids showed up?
    Them: Almost the entire class! My kid was so nervous no one would show, but there were maybe 20 kids… we almost ran out of cake!
    Me: Haha! That’s so great! It’s so hard for a kid when no one shows up to their birthday, I’m so glad everyone showed up. Did everyone get along and have a good time?

    …etc, etc… Get them to talk, comment on something they say, follow up with a question that relates to the conversation. If they try to talk about you, answer swiftly, and try to turn it around to something that will get them talking again. Like I said, this is for better or for worse, but it’s a great way to at least move past any awkward silences…

21. This is a random suggestion, but maybe you could share your dreams. Like literal dreams from while you were sleeping. Personally I love to talk my dreams since I often have vivid, crazy dreams with lots of details. I’m an introvert, although not extremely so, but when I was younger I was more shy – except when I had a dream to share with a friend, family member, or acquaintance, and then I would become really animated. So, if you remember your dreams and have some interesting/odd ones, maybe you could try talking about them. Or if someone mentions a random thing that happens to be similar to part of a dream, you could say, “That reminds me of this dream I had recently” and it might make them curious. Then you can continue on and share more.

22. Two things…

    Firstly, stop waiting for the home run and just swing at every pitch. You’re never going to think of the perfect thing so just say anything. You might fuck it up. That’s ok. You will learn a lot more from that than you will by never saying anything.

    Secondly, you’re focussed on your own feelings, discomfort and thoughts. You’re being really selfish. It might sound ridiculous (and yes I am exaggerating so don’t take it personally) but you kinda are. Stop trying to make yourself feel better and try to focus on the other person instead. You’ll be surprised how some of that anxiety can fade away when you’re externally focussed and being a ‘giver’ to others around you instead of in defensive mode.

    All easier said than done I admit.

    I’m a big fan of the Art of Charm podcast, that has helped me a lot so I recommend checking it out.

23. Yah dude just ask questions. Get to know them rather than trying to impress them.

24. It really comes down to you being so in your own head that you can’t focus on anything else. For example, imagine yourself watching a movie, you’re so into the storyline and the characters that you naturally come up with things you wonder about or are curious about regarding the movie. Like “who’s he?” or “what’s that for” or whatever. That’s because your full attention is on the movie. If you were focusing on yourself the entire time and not focusing on the movie you have no idea what is going on.

    Now relate that to your issue here. I know almost every person will tell you to use the questions approach but it is only helpful if it’s genuine. We are naturally curious creatures as humans so regardless of the conversation or the situation, you will have questions about something they are talking about. Like if they are talking about something they did over the weekend or whatever and are giving a bunch of different details, you’d be surprised how if you’re really focused on their story, and are giving them your whole attention, you will recognize how many things you could ask and be genuinely curious about.

    So the real thing to overcome here is to get out of your head and to not focus so much on yourself and what the “perfect” thing to say is. But to really focus on the other person and to almost imagine you are watching a movie and focusing on their story or what they are talking about and to just let your natural curiosity guide what you ask or say. Then if there’s a chance for you to jump in and share something about yourself or what you think relating to the subject, that’s all conversation really comes down to.

    I’m still struggling with social anxiety like you are, I have been since middle school but I’m constantly trying to learn things about it and how to better myself so hopefully this helps you in some way like it’s been helpful to me. Good luck!

25. I used to be the same before I actually acknowledged to myself and opened up to people about my depression and anxiety. I take better care of myself and part of that for me is learning to converse better with people. Talk about stuff you’re interested in, people usually want to know more about you so don’t feel like you have to tell people what you think they want to hear when in reality they want to know what’s going on in your life. Talk about yourself and ask them about themselves is usually a good place to start.

26. Different angle on it – sometimes we’re too stressed about giving the ‘right’ response because in the past we’ve had people laugh at us or put us down. It’s healthy to try and remember that sometimes other people are just rude – it’s not that you’re boring or weird. It’s never ok to laugh at someone or call them boring or whatever. Everyone has times they’re more quiet, or say something that doesn’t go down so well, it’s just human, and nice people will accommodate it.

27. I realized in high school that I was using a mental filter for years for fear of what people would think of me or if they’d judge me based on my response, so I had a similar issue. Maybe experiment with saying the first thing that pops into your head, even if it doesn’t sound 100% relevant to you. You’d be surprised what twists and turns a conversation takes naturally, and so don’t be afraid to say what’s really on your mind! Who knows, it might lead to a really funny or interesting conversation. Talking with someone does require some vulnerability. If you have social anxiety, maybe you are afraid of sharing too much or freeze up. But remember, if someone has a negative response to something you say, it’s them, not you. We don’t have control over whether or not someone will like us, so might as well just be ourselves! Good luck! I hope things get better. 🙂

28. Well what i normally do….to get conversations going is related to searching Ur environment which includes anything even the dress the person u speaking to wears…but this tip requires to look out for things that are either weird, strange, exciting, Pretty or even petty etc. it has to create a certain emotion to the person u are speaking too. Now if this doesn’t work then you can rely on the other tip which is to speak about yourself…because after all nobody knows u like u know urself (read that again)…talk about the time u went to that interesting event where some crazy stuff happened or talk about how a girl splashed her cup of tea on u…or better yet talk about how you couldn’t sleep yesterday night or upcoming events u are psyched about..doing this will give the opportunity to other people to relate to what u said and give their opinion, advice etc. or simply give them the opportunity to validate what u said….all this are related to certain key points which are emotions and relating to each other. It won’t come easy at first but slowly putting the effort to make comments about tins happening in Ur surrounding or talking about certain things that happened to u, when u have the opportunity to will slowly boost Ur confidence and u will reach a stage where u can maintain conversations easily. Good luck to u, my internet friend 😉

29. You could try switching off and just relying on your instincts

30. Practice having conversations over xbox live or something so you are not face to face and you can always bail if you are uncomfortable.

31. Apparently I’m really boring in conversation. When I speak to people I sound like I’m giving a debate or a lecture so I try to stick to small talk as much as possible.

32. People are resources. Approach it like you’re trying to crack open the wealth of knowledge inside their head. I found the more interested I became in various topics, the more interested I became in people’s experiences. It’s like Using Google to research an answer, but you get someone’s personal wisdom on it.

33. I feel your frustration >.<

34. Listen more than talk and you Will be more likeable

35. this may sound a bit silly, but one of my best friend’s dads teaches improv at uni and over the past few decades, he’s helped so many people of all different kinds (those who were charismatic and those with crippling anxiety and about any other kinda person you can think of). i have the same problem as you and i’ve talked to him about it. i think a big problem is self-doubting and judging what we say before speaking. we fear judgment and scrutiny from others, but with that in mind we’d never speak. it’s by no means easy but maybe practicing improv by saying anything that comes to mind to yourself during your day-to-day might help.

    mindfulness, being kind to yourself, ~and~ practicing improv may really help you feel more comfortable in your shoes 🙂 if none of that helped, i would highly recommend meeting with a cognitive behavioral therapist. they can be really great at giving you the tools to function how you’d like to much better!

    remember to love yourself. be kind to yourself. don’t pity yourself, but don’t forget to show yourself empathy. it’s not easy but it will help! you’ve got this and feel free to dm if you have any other questions or wanna chat or anythin!

36. I feel the EXACT same way!!! It’s nice to know I’m not alone.. recently I confided in a friend, they shared with me that they thought I should listen to the podcast “Art of Charm” haven’t done it yet.. but hopefully it helps.

37. Going off of “onlyjoking’s” comment I too also recommend listening to “The Art of Charm” podcast as I’ve been wanting to improve myself further and they have very useful tips. Episode 715 and 716 talk about compelling conversations and it might help you out.

38. Aside from the obvious “asking questions” approach, which everyone always suggests, I understand that can get a little stale or not make for the best conversations if it feels like you’re just interviewing someone.

    Try to relate things the other person says to something that you watched, read, or that you or a friend/family member has experienced. It’s a good way to say something interesting or keep the momentum of a conversation even if it’s not specifically about you.

    If the person you’re talking to is responsive, then hopefully they can talk about their experiences or ask you about what you just said. But that also depends on the person your chatting with. Usually the best people the chat with are the ones who you can say anything to, but you should always play that by ear based on their reactions.

39. “Haha that’s awesome. Damn, that sucks. You did the right thing. I can’t imagine going through that. What happened next? Tell me more.” People want to be validated and hear themselves talk.

40. https://youtu.be/g2NJgOgz_u0

    See if you can let Small Talk Dan rub off on you a little lol. Best of luck.

41. My main problem that I encounter is a general disinterest in other people most of the time. I often have nothing to say because I really don’t care or have a reason to ask questions about their lives and hate small talk. Unless I’m talking to people I like of course.

42. Look, to me the problem is that you’re self conscious. That means that you’re too worried thinking about what other people think of you that you leave no space in your mind to be aware of the conversation and the other person.

    You need to start caring less about what other people think of you. I’m sure you’ll find that when you become less self conscious, people’s opinions of you will improve. It seems counter-intuitive, but it’s true.

43. As someone that struggles with this *exact* issue, you’re not alone, OP! I usually can think of literally nothing to add to a conversation, especially in a group of new people, or a group of friends that I’ve known from childhood. It’s definitely tough, but something that helped me was getting a job as a cashier in high school. During that point in my life, I learned better social skills and I met so many friends that were my co-workers, that I just felt compatible with and comfortable. I think it forced me to come out of my shell, interacting with customers for 6 hours a day. And that’s coming from a kid who said maybe 5 words in a conversation before, with strangers lol.

    And I think how comfortable you are with the person can definitely help you not overanalyze your ideas of what to say next. I just blurted out what I thought, though I did have a filter still. It was just a lot better. So maybe try to force yourself to get a job where you have to interact with many strangers? I’ve kinda fallen back to not knowing what to say in conversation after not having a job for a year as I’m in college now. So I think I’m going to try that again to help me figure out how to conversate again haha.

    Think of your motivation as making money, not meeting new people, and you might notice your skills will transfer to your personal, everyday life.