Hey everyone, long post ahead.
I’ll put the tl;dr here. Peaked socially in college due to having no self-respect, using alcohol as a crutch, and disregarding health. College done, moved home, and continued being a degen until I decided I had enough. I quit habits I considered not helpful (drinking, gaming, & weed), learned how to program and hit the gym. Feeling fulfilled in myself and enjoy my peace, but my social skills are terrible. How do I make friends with people as a sober person who enjoys being alone but craves socializing? I think people I recognize are regulars who are aware of me at the gym & places I frequent, but I never talk to them or anyone else besides quick hellos to some of the staff.
THE STORY
In college, I felt on top of the world with other students socially. I neglected my health and was binge drinking and eating shitty food. I barely hit the gym, but I think my social skills were the best they have ever been. I felt accepted for who I was at the time, but it was through alcohol that this was possible.
I graduated in 2019 and moved back to my hometown. Some old friends hit me up for some drinks and gaming. At the time, this filled the void of what college was, and it was good to reconnect. The fun and shenanigans continued into the pandemic when things started to change.
I started to lose interest in gaming a couple of months into it because it was the same shit every day. I did not feel like I was growing as an individual and felt pretty down. I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone about it either.
Eventually, I decided I had enough and made some changes. I quit drinking and slowly changed my eating habits. I started to take the gym more seriously by dropping weight and getting strong. I also picked up learning to program and now I am focused on making a career out of it. I also tried a program where you can have an online therapist, it was cash, and I got my mental health addressed. I saw that most of my relationships relied upon us sharing something similar, and as soon as I stopped, they disappeared from my life. So it was inherently surface af, and that hurt a little.
The people who I called friends in college and who I would do anything for were just there because it was a convenience to both of us. I had a falling out with a close friend from college because I stopped doing the things we bonded over (weed, alcohol, & gaming). I figured out he wanted to be friends with me because he got the vibe I was a sad person at the time with no friends (which was somewhat true, being sad, but I had friends), and he wanted to be there for me. So I think I let that get to my head and I stopped reaching out to people who were giving me similar vibes. It was because I didn’t want people to be friends with me out of pity If that makes sense. Maybe it was my ego, pride, or self-esteem that got hurt. I tanked my social life further and started to focus on myself.
Decided to make my mental and physical health a priority. I have been sober for 2 years now and when I look back at my college days, most relationships/friendships I had were fun but it was just about going out and getting fucked up. The closest friends I had were my housemates who are awesome guys but they live far and I don’t want to come off as being a burden to them. They have their careers and other friend groups so they’re busy.
Those hometown pals I was drinking and gaming with stopped reaching out because I was never online and because I had always taken the initiative to reach out first, and when I had enough, I stopped reaching out and they stopped messaging me in return.
I’ve been going to the same gym for a few years now but I keep to myself and I don’t know how to talk to other regulars there besides asking how many sets they have left LOL. I think a couple of them are in my neighbourhood but I think at this point they probably think I’m weird or something for not saying hello consistently or being conversational.
This story was a lot to type out and I probably sound like a train wreck of a person but I appreciate you for taking the time to read it. Thank you 🙂
1 comment
Well. I have not read a lot of your post. But my ill-informed answer is surely correct: it’s a phase – you’ll get over it.
The reason being that no one so self aware that is able to ramble on about himself with such a long post will remain friendless for long. You are young, thoughtful, you are doing stuff, you will meet people, good life ahead. Don’t worry to much.