I (37M) was with my gf (36F) since HS. After college she broke up with me to travel in Europe for a year, followed by six months in Australia, and three months in Northern Africa.
When she got back, she told me that she had suffered from health problems and wanted to see me. One thing led to another, and we went steady. I learned two years into our relationship that her health problems were infertility. PCOS. Although I wanted children and a large family, I loved her and thought this was my lot in life. We tried for many years but, she never got pregnant. I even paid for three rounds of IVF.
Last summer she met up with a friend she had travelled. Her friend wanted her to travel to Brazil. Due to Covid my finances took a hit, and Sam (my gf) never had a steady job only temporary and project based work. She saved up for one full year. In May we found out that Sam was pregnant against all odds. Considering that we struggled so hard to get pregnant and that she had suffered a miscarriage while travelling in Europe I thought she would be elated like me for the prospect of having a child. She however told me she wanted an abortion as she had her mind set on travelling in South America as she might not get another chance. She was packed and moved in with her mother as she felt that I tried to talk her out of it. Her friend had offered her a place in her new apartment but needed to get out of her old lease.
In June I learned she had gone through with the procedure. 1st of August she was supposed to move in with her friend. Except her friend had signed a contract with her new bf instead, leaving Sam without a place to live. For almost a month now she has tried to convince me that we need to get back together. I am conflicted as to what to do. I have spent most of my life with her. I still hate her for not listening to me, but also I am 37 and can’t start over with someone new. I really want children and that is no longer a possibility with Sam. I don’t know what to do. I just need someone to give me words of encouragement one way or another.
33 comments
had to edit that last post. This is a really tough situation. I want to suggest you also post in
r/datingoverthirty there are lots of insightful people there.
Dude, it’s never too late to find someone new. Sam, while not at fault for not wanting to continue the pregnancy, is a massive Ahole for not at least consider your feelings on the matter. And now that her friend has left her stranded she’s trying to crawl back to you? No. Just no. Leave the garbage in the street where it belongs op. She’s made her choice and it’s bitten her in the ass. Block her and move on.
Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy.
37 is not too old to find someone who respects you a lot more than she did. . .
You are being used lol.. don’t be a fool. It is time to move on. She is never going to give you a kid.
I started over at 40, don’t sell yourself short.
However I feel this woman is just using you as her backup, her old reliable. If you want that then go for it. However I believe you deserve so much more.
So when she is traveling solo you are gonna break up every time?
Dude get the hell away from that woman
YOU are her backup plan and that is all you’ll ever be. you need to realize this.
Nope tell her no one last time and block her. I would say it like this.
You have continued to make me a second choice and backup plan. You have continued to choose other people over our relationship and me. You have enjoyed all these travels and live your life on a whim, always thinking you have a soft place to land. I am no longer here for you, to be used emotionally by you, I am no longer your door mat to walk all over, in and out of my life. I stopped hoping you would change and choose me. The last time you left was the last time. So, this is not farewell, nor see you again, but goodbye.
If you want to use these words use them op, because what I wrote is what is the truth or what needs to be the truth for you. Block, and delete the history with her in it. Then cry one tear and one tear only for the death of this relationship, because it is not worth more than that.
>also I am 37 and can’t start over with someone new. I really want children and that is no longer a possibility with Sam.
My husband and I met when I was 29 and he was 40. We’ve been together since then and we have 12 year old twin daughters. It’s not too late for you.
It seems Sam discarded you without a second thought.
My suggestion is to block her and refuse any contact with her. She is not your partner, she is someone who uses you because her income was inconsistent. I wouldn’t be surprised if you found out she was on birth control during your whole relationship.
She is toxic to you.
Mate listen you still have time to move on and find a partner that loves and respects you if you act now.
But see what happened, you chose her, you finally had a chance to have a family with her, everything was good.
But what did she choose, she chose to abort the only kid she could have, she choose to destroy her relationship with you and she chose all that because of a trip to brazil.
She made the same choice years ago, she chose a trip to Europe etc… over you.
You don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t care about you, that don’t choose you.
If she wanted a trip to Brazil she could have waited a few years and you would have gone together with the kid and you but she didn’t care.
Mate don’t be stupid, you only got one life don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t care about you.
I think it’s clear she made a choice, a significant one, that diverted from what you want in life. It’s right for her, but completely wrong for you. It’s time to move on and find someone that you can build an equal partnership with. It’s definitely not too late I’m 45 and finally found a woman that does that for me.
Good luck bud. I know rationally you know the right choice, but emotions while beautiful, can occasionally lead you away from the right path.
Dude, you have to move on! She has been using you as a temporary person/place to crash. You paid for THREE rounds of IVF and financially supported her, yet when she gets pregnant unexpectedly she has an abortion? You literally threw money away.
You are 37 and you still have time to look for a long term PARTNER. Sam is not a partner. She is selfish and cares more about traveling. I’m all for traveling, but not in a way that hurts a partner and you ditch them when it’s convenient.
Please, seek therapy and distance yourself from her. She sounds toxic.
Ok I know you said you wanted words of encouragement but man she doesn’t sound like the one for you. Y’all went through a lot yes. But she finally got pregnant and then decided to throw it all away for a trip with a friend. I’m not so sure having children was that important to her with how easily she threw that away.. Until that friend bailed on her and now she’s back knocking at your door because she has nowhere else to go. You deserve so much better. It may not be easy to find someone new but it sounds like you would be much better off without her.
My guy, you’re a meal ticket. Honestly sounds like she wasn’t even into you, just the stability you provided.
37 is still pretty fuckin young, pick up some hobbies, grieve for a while, hit the gym, join some fun classes.
Experience life by yourself for a while before worrying about someone new, honestly you probably aren’t in the best headspace to be dating seriously right now anyways.
I never reply to anything typically just lurk but bro, it’s never too late. My great uncle is 87 and just finally fell in love & got married. She’s 89 and he says how “he’s always liked them older” but anyways they’re love is pure and in the moment. They waste no time and enjoy every second together. Anyways, best of luck to you and I hope you find what your heart is looking for.
She just needs a place to crash. She’ll bail on you once she gets her shit together.
2 possibilities…. either she panicked and aborted it, because she was cheating and knew it wasnt yours. Or she is actually that cold hearted to everything around her. She took ivf’s so not wanting a baby dosnt make sense. May check up the other option
And on what to do with her? Clearly her only desire is to travel and have fun. Nothing else. You go for long lengths without seeing her. “YOU” are not on her priorities list. Id find someone that prioritizes you, and a home life. Break up bro
You spent money on IVF treatments, she gets pregnant and has an abortion so she could travel. Hell no my friend. Even if it was after IVF treatments failed she is a disgusting person. You can and will find someone who cares about you and your feelings. She obviously doesn’t.
My husband is 44 and he finally found someone he feels safe with, so we will start having children very soon. We are so excited.
It’s not late for you to find someone else who will fulfill you in the way you need. Having wants, needs and desires is not a bad thing.
She made up her mind without caring how it would affect you. Now it’s time for you to be free. You’re still young.
She’s using you, please try to end it.
Wow she sounds like an extremely selfish, terrible person. She is trying to use you 100%. Do not get back with her
Never settle for less then you deserve. You are her safety net, she will never put you first. 37 is not too old to meet someone. If you take her back you are likely going to be in this exact same situation at 39 or 40 something. She will flake on you again down the road. Don’t let the fear of being alone make you jump at the wrong choice, nothing is lonelier then a bad relationship.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
You can easily start over with someone new. Someone who wont waste your life, emotions, money and kill your planned unborn child over selfish reasons. Im pro choice but that baby was years in the making. It wasnt an oops. What she did was unforgivable. Tell her to kick rocks. You can easily find someone else late 20’s early 30’s who wants a big family. Find anyone who will actually care about you.
I met my wife when I was 44 and now, 30 years later, we are still together with two children. even if you take her back, you’ll always be the guy she settled for. There is a girl out there for you. I met mine in the coffee shop.
You’re 37 Why exactly can’t you start over with someone new?
I don’t understand the logic.
You could easily meet a woman in her early 30’s and have that big family you always wanted. Ending things with Sam can open the door to a beautiful new beginning.
You’re being used. Sucked dry. Grow a back bone and cold cut her from your life.
What are you talking about?! This women is a user and you’re a damn fool. Sorry to be so harsh but you need to gain some self respect and block and delete this woman. You have such low self esteem that you would tolerate this mooch.
You paid for three rounds of IVF and now she doesn’t want a child? She is heartless. Do not take her back. She wasn’t honest and you spent a lot of money on IVF. She’s coming back now because her plans fell through and your her safe option. You deserve more. I was divorced in my 30’s fell in love at 41 and now am married to the love of my life. Luckily as a man you have more time to have children as you can connect with a slightly younger woman and have children. Don’t take her back it’s like buying your stuff back at a garage sale!
Move on!!! Let go of what could’ve been. She aborted your child because she wanted to travel. You don’t get much more selfish then that. She just wants a place to live. Next time another opportunity comes along she’ll be gone. She showed her true colors. You said she only cheated on you in college but she had a miscarriage in Europe. Whose baby was that? Have some respect and self love and leave the past behind. Your still young and can still have children. Don’t give up!
She aborted a kid to go see South America. Your life goals are not compatible.
Move on!! It will suck, yes you will miss her, but it is not your lot in life.
I am not pro-abortion, I think you dodged a bullet there. She is a selfish, freeloader (based on your description here) and you are better off with out her. Imagine being stuck with that for 18 years…
I was divorced at 39, after 13 years of marriage, albeit with kids. But I met someone else, remarried and we have a beautiful daughter that I would not trade for anything. It’s not to late to live the life you want.
DO NOT DO THIS.
From one bro to another, it time to face the facts.
This woman has messed with your life and taken up your time for more than two decades.
She has left you multiple times to travel and please herself.
She aborted the baby you conceived together after you paid for multiple rounds of IVF.
You are a fucking great guy. You’re patient. You’re supportive. You’re committed. You’re generous.
You’ve given her freedom when she wanted it and took her back when she wanted it.
You’ve done enough. It’s time to get on with the rest of your life – without her.
Please don’t take her back. You’re gonna be fine. You’ll find someone else.
Or maybe you won’t, but at least you won’t have her draining the life out of you.
Come on, bro. You know what to do.