Anxious and Avoidant Combination: Can it work?
I’ve been together with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We’re both 30, working and have moved in together after about six months seeing each other. For me, the relationship moved a lot quicker than I wanted – from the beginning he was very needy in a sense that he wanted to spend every weekend together Fri-Sun. When I once said I’d like to spend the Saturday alone just to chill and do things I like he got offended and upset.
He also wanted me to meet his family and friends very quickly which I didn’t really want to. I wanted to take things slow. I’ve been in a 6 year relationship before this one and in a short toxic one and I needed things at a very slow pace.
When I’d communicate not wanting to go to his family gatherings, we would end up in a fight.
He’s very affectionate by nature, caring in a sense that he likes to kiss, hug and do all that sorta thing a lot. I’m a lot less affectionate but I show my love in different ways I’d say. I put a lot of effort into birthdays, presents, and when I feel safe and secure in a relationship I open up more and become more affectionate.
So here’s the problem: A lot of the times he gets upset over what I’d say are silly things. Every time I’m nervous at the slightest he takes it super personally and starts becoming upset and angry and starts a fight. I try to explain it has nothing to do with him but I’m hungry/annoyed with something and so my tone may be a bit different but there’s no need for him to be like that.
At times he used to get super ragey and would shout at me in these arguments, to the point where I once got so scared I ran away from the apartment cos I thought he would hit me. My legs were shaking while he was screaming in my face. I kicked him out that night and he apologized etc and said he knows he has a problem with anger. He went to see a therapist who told him he doesn’t have a problem…
Ever since, whenever he gets upset he smokes a bit of weed to calm down and he doesn’t react like before but he still gets very triggered especially around the time of my PMS which he says I’m super cold and distant in and whenever i mention my ex boyfriend.
My current boss is my ex and he cannot accept that, we cannot talk of him, I can’t mention his name, I’m always tiptoing when I have to get on a work call cos I need to do it with headphones cos he can’t hear his voice etc.
I’m feeling stressed, sad, frustrated. He’s super affectionate and nice but at the same time heavy, stressful, dramatic and uncomfortable to be around.
He cries, mopes for hours after fights and whatever I say doesn’t seem to make it better. Sometimes I feel like he’s the “needy, jealous girl” in our relationship. He also gets super offended if I ever turn down sex to the point where we had multiple fights about it and usually it’s the only thing that will make him stop moping after arguments. It’s like it’s expected of me and if I don’t want to do it there’s something wrong with our relationship.
I’ve also never had any problems with PMS and previous relationships, yes I’m a bit more nervous, I even got a cbd pen to deal with it and tried to talk to him in a calm and soft voice when he’s upset but he decides to stay so negative nonetheless.
Not sure what to do. I think we both often feel so misunderstood and like no one knows who’s right. We did the relationship type test and he’s the anxious one and I’m the avoidant dismissive one. Probably why we’re so incompatible.
TL;DR My boyfriend and I don’t understand each other. He has rage issues and I’m “too chill”.
2 comments
This is not any kind of “anxious” and “avoidant”. Silly terms. Rather, your guy is acting like a little kid and has typical childish temper tantrums… Except he’s a 30 year old and lack of self-control might hurt ppl.
I think, that guy seriously needs to grow up and work out his issues before he can be in ANY kind of relationship.
A question to yourself is – do you want to hang around this unstable kid, who may or may not grow out of it in the next 10 years?
Yeah agree with others this isn’t anxious vs avoidant. He’s wayy past anxious into very insecure and potentially violent with only slight anger regulation. Like i understand being worried he did something wrong if you’re annoyed and hes an anxious person, but he shouldn’t get angry about it. I’m anxious so i understand some of his points, but not to the extreme he’s taking them. I couldn’t be with someone who had this poor of coping skills to the point of not even being able to just ask whats going on first before getting mad. Therapist said he doesnt have a problem because they havent seen him like this and he probably worded it much differently