Should I not have kids if unwilling to care for a disabled child?

10 comments

1. >Does this mean I should never have kids?

   Yes. That is a very good reason not to have kids. Indeed it is in my top 5 reasons not to have kids: you might get a vegetable.

2. [I always thought this was a good perspective on that possibility. ](https://youtu.be/AtCHulJqEb0)

3. You could adopt.

4. There is a lot of advantages to modern medicine, in depth screening and early identification in the event there are issues with development.

   Statistically speaking the vast majority of babies are perfectly healthy – your fear is blurring that.

   The most important conversation is with the other parent. “what would we do if retardation / disability / genetic issue come up?

   My partner and I had hard conversations that built trust and understanding, which you will need in droves if you have a baby.

   Don’t let the potential risk outweigh the amazing journey of having a child.

   *IMO it is completely understandable to decide not to continue a pregnancy in the event major issues are found early – for the benefit of everyone (including the fetus)*

5. Well I think that invitro has come a long way- maybe do that so the chance of abnormalities would be , well idk , but way less I bet. I wouldn’t say no, you shouldn’t consider being a parent if that is tugging on your heartstrings.

   I understand the way you feel , I remember having the same anxieties, and I kind commend you for saying something so touchy out I the open. I think most parents have the same thoughts as you do – and also wonder if they could do it.

   To be super honest – you’ll probably not understand this, but there is truly something magical that happens when you look into your babies face. You might be surprised how the power of love can make you do things you never thought you would. Plus, it’s your kid. You would be AMAZED at how many flaws you can learn to love in your own child.

   The fact that you are even having these kinds of thoughts at all tells me you are very thoughtful and conscientious type of person, and that’s pretty good stuff to build a parenting persona upon. I think you’d be fine. With prenatal care all and the the chances are already so low.

   Really not much to be scared of. It seems like the people who choose not to have kids always regret it. And the ones that do have kids – well you don’t hear them regretting it but maybe a couple do – but mostly no. Ask any parent they’ll say it’s the best thing they ever did.

   I would say in this day in age you should be more concerned about the position of vulnerability you will be placing yourself in.

   Motherhood is incredibly rewarding – but it is also thankless stressful time consuming and uncompensated
   Children are a full time job plus. On call 24/7. Also , when you are a mother , it’s a little unspoken secret that you are out of the basically out of running for upper echelon positions and at best you can expect middle management. This will impact your earning ability greatly over a lifetime.

   So I would make sure your partner, if you are choosing to have one , is on also on board and committed to the project – Bc it’s a biggie, and it is challenging. Really make sure you are on the same page and try to be as detailed as possible in writing so you both have something to refer back to.

   Luck-

6. Let me start out by saying that I love my Special Needs Adult Son as much as any man can love his child. He is the center of my life. In fact, as I type this, he is in the shower and I’m about to head in there help him get himself washed.

   Raising any child requires a lot of sacrifice but comes with a lot of reward. Still, raising a Special Needs Child is not for the faint of heart, and few choose it willingly. It comes with its own joys and, yes, it comes with its own heartbreak. In the end, though, he’s still my son, I love him dearly and I know he lives me too, and not just because he needs me to take care of him.

   Kids are a crap shoot. Even if you don’t have a Special Needs kid, who’s to say that you still won’t be raising a deeply flawed person? Maybe they become a drug addict. Maybe they develop some Adult onset disorder like Schizophrenia and become homeless. Or maybe they just float along on the tide of life blaming you for everything that’s wrong in their life only to wake up at 30 wondering what they’re going to do with the rest of their life.

   In any case, if you don’t want to take a chance that your offspring has a serious disability, then you’re probably not going to want to adopt an infant either because a lot of disabilities don’t present themselves until the end of infancy.

   There are still alternatives for you. The Foster Care system is always looking for motivated adults who can provide either short-term or long-term care. Many older kids in the system will never be returned to their parents and would like nothing more than to be adopted. I’ve worked with this population before. There are a lot of good kids whose only defect is shitty birth parents.

   Another source is overseas adoptions. There are a lot of war orphans. The US is lucky that we have a Foster Care system that usually works. In places like Ukraine, no such system exists and so such kids wind up in orphanages until adulthood. Such kids deserve a chance too, and would love nothing more than to have somebody to love them.

   In any case, there are no guarantees in life, and there certainly are no guarantees in birth. But in the end, Special Needs or not, there a lot of people who want you to love and nurture them and there are lot of people who want to love you. You just have to open yourself to the possibilities.

7. Do I live tomorrow given that I am afraid I might not the day after?

8. Hmmm I was a little bit frightened about scrolling to the comments but was pleased with them. I’m 37 and have a 10 year old son who was diagnosed with MERLD (Mixed Expressive Receptive Language Disorder) and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) at 2.5 and 3… And I’ve been a single mom since day 1. It’s been hard but we’ve gotten through it. At age 6, he was diagnosed with ADHD and last year he started on adhd medicine. You just *learn* how to roll with everything. And you ask *everyone* all the questions and you’ll repeat yourself 100 times… But in the end your kid(s) is/are what matters. Anyway, it’s a legit thing to think about – I thought it was pretty cool when I was pregnant in 2011 that the doctors did a blood test to test for down syndrome vs the amniocentesis, so modern medicine IS advancing!

9. Any child could become disabled.

   I have a developmentally disabled brother. I love him, I’m glad he’s here, but he’s a huge reason that I was cautious about, and have not had children.

10. I’m not a parent so my only addition is to say you only need one success to satisfy your urge to have kids. Some people get baby crazy though and you might want more after the first one, and more than likely your brainstem will be making the call at that point and your anxieties will be long gone.

    And there’s also the fact that you literally will not feel the same way you do now if you were to find yourself in that position because we humans are essentially prevented from not loving and caring for our kids to the best of our abilities and since you’re asking the question you can count yourself as one of them.