I(f25) have been seeing this guy(m27) for about 3 months now. We met through dating app but I intended to keep things casual. He understood it but did ask me out for a relationship a month in and I told him it was too early. Last week we went on a trip together where I saw many red flags that made me think I should stop seeing him yet I’m now somehow obsessed with him and can’t stop thinking about him despite telling him to move on.
Red flags were mostly subtle mannerism that he unconsciously showed:
1. He would always prioritize himself first before me. For example, he would pour water into his cup before mine, he would pick up his utensils before mine, he would eat the last piece of food before asking me, etc. Very small things yet showed me how he’s inconsiderate in a way? He would always have to get into subways before me, etc.
2. He has to do everything he wants to do eventually. We had to walk a lot during our trip cuz we were hiking and at some point my feet were bleeding a little bit. I told him that they were hurt and I wanted to stop and go back. He showed that he didn’t want to and reluctantly went back. The next day he wanted to hike again, a shorter hike since my feet are hurt. But why hike in the first place if my feet are hurt? There were a lot of other activities we could’ve done. We eventually hiked for a mile despite my feet hurting because I wanted him to be happy.
3. He isn’t considerate of my family. One time he forgot to extend his hotel near my grandparents place while we were visiting that area. My grandparents and I are not close but they let me stay at their place. The guy asked if he could bring all his stuff to my grandparents and he can stay at a spa or an overnight place somewhere. I told him my grandparents were already doing me a favor by letting me stay so I wasn’t sure if him bringing all his belongings would be okay. He sighed and agreed that he would extend his hotel. I guess he didn’t think about the inconvenience that would cause to my grandparents?
4. He is a bit stingy? and texts me back in his convenience. He would care about splitting meals a bit too much or I can sense that he is calculating the bills in his head. I don’t mind paying so I’m pretty sure I paid like almost 55% of our meals. He also is a very busy man and it feels like I have to catch him when he’s free to text him to get replies. Otherwise, I find myself waiting and when I asked him about this, he said if I were his gf, he would care more and be actively changing to match my needs.
After all these, I told him to move on and that I did not see him as my potential partner. We also slept together and sex wasn’t good. He now cut all contact with me but does reply if I text him and is down to meet up. From his POV, he says I’m playing with his emotions because I did everything that couple does with him yet told him to move on. It was mostly because of the red flags I saw and felt while I spent time with him. I know in my head this isn’t the guy who can’t even do bare minimum but somehow I’m now obsessed with him. I am physically attracted to him despite the bad sex and can’t help but smile about small instances where we had fun and I enjoyed his company. What’s wrong with me? I do have a history of being in toxic relationships previously.
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TLDR; Guy I saw isn’t the best guy yet I am somehow obsessed with him now.
4 comments
It sounds like you don’t like the man and the sex was bad.
Find a way to get over it, you already know a relationship with him would be disappointing and unfulfilling.
People can get addicted to toxicity for a few reasons. One is that it feels familiar, ,and familiar feels good. Another is that toxic relationships have lower lows, which make the highs feel higher. You basically get hooked on the thrill of the roller coaster of emotions. The third is that part of your brain thinks this time, I can fix it. This time I can take that broken situation and make it work and come out right. Humans are problem solving creatures, and we often try to do that even when we should cut our losses and walk away.
The important thing to do is to recognize that while you may have some degree of addiction for toxicity, that you are behaving like a recovering addict – one who walks away from the addiction and does not use it. You did the right thing cutting him off. Now make it thorough and stop contacting him at all. Yes, it will be hard, as recovery from addiction always is, but you have clearly made a lot of progress, and you have recognized he’s a bad idea, and you can keep getting better.
If you have a history of going after people you know are wrong for you, you need to work on yourself, maybe you’d benefit from some therapy too. It’s important to notice our destructive patterns in behavior and to try and improve them before we get older and lose the ability to change and improve with ease. Ofc it’s never easy but it def gets harder the older you get.
>> I’m playing with his emotions because I did everything that couple does with him yet told him to move on
This is called dating. You date to see if you are compatible, or if your dating partner is a good person, etc. You smartly noticed some red flags & declined to date anymore. Cut contact with him for your sake and his; your obsession will lessen and he will be able to move on. Texting him isn’t helping.