I don’t have high hopes for this and don’t expect a magic bullet, lol. But since I haven’t seen an exact match for what I’m dealing with… welp. Spaghetti, wall, maybe it’ll stick?
I’ve been People Pleasing for basically my entire life. (Strict upbringing in small town, emerging from my shell during adulthood. Tale as old as time.) My particular wrinkle is that people basically told me that I’d be hurting them, somehow, if I didn’t meet their standards. Like, I’d be a bull in a China shop, if you’ll forgive the cliche, if I didn’t constantly tiptoe.
And like, YEAH OBVIOUSLY that’s BS – whatever the social contract, people are responsible for their own reactions; if we’re not compatible as people, we don’t have to be friends. Community invariably comes with some people who are “just there” – you don’t dislike them, you’ll just never be close. Still, “be everything everyone expects you to be because if you’re anything else, you’ll trample them” is a hard story to shake. So… if I’m lucky, maybe someone on this thread will have a different story.
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When I was in elementary school, there was the ‘golden rule’:
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
I didn’t realize how important that idea was as a kid who was emotionally abused. I was/am a people pleaser because that’s how I was molded by my family. I always took the brunt of everything, from favors to just an ear to listen.
The first thing I did was stop listening. If I know the other person would not listen to me complain about my relationships, I would stop letting them vent to me about theirs. Little things like picking something up at the store for them, would be a no. If the other person won’t do the same for me, it’s not worth my time.
Don’t waste your time helping people that won’t do the same for you. The people who deserve your time will also give your theirs. Just remember that relationships lost while you learn to say no are usually the people who you helped the most but wouldn’t reciprocate. Good relationships understand that a no is not a direct insult to them and is just a part of life.
It’s still hard to say no sometimes, but saying no feels good.
Three routes to dealing with this.
First is dealing with the emotions behind it. For me, that started with a 12 step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Because my people pleasing started in my unsafe childhood environment. Once I had gotten all I needed out of that group, counselling and men’s groups.
Next is practising setting boundaries. And noticing when I got it wrong.
The thing that shifted a lot was joining toastmasters. Getting better at public speaking strangely made it easier to say no. But I don’t think It would have worked without the previous 2.