Before I begin, this is my throwaway account.
So, basically, my question is as simple as the title: How can I [23M] initiate any type of flirtation with someone or go out of my way to ask girls out if I am always fearing that I will be making them uncomfortable? To be clear, I have never creeped anyone out, never pushed boundaries if someone made it clear that they don’t want anything, etc. Additionally, I have also been in a relationship (though, that ended 4 years ago), and have had many casual partners; so I do have experience with girls in the past, but it is safe to say that other factors woo-ed them over, and my words were definitely not the main factor.
The rationale for my question comes from the fact that I have never really flirted with people in the past that I didn’t feel “secure” with. Secure in this sense would mean that I am already seeing them and the risk that comes with flirtation is not dangerous. And now that I am getting older, not possessing this skill is starting to be taxing, as I have lost many opportunities with potential partners in the past because I was simply too boring, and academic with the conversations. One clear example of this was I was on a second date with a girl and she brought up the topic of how porn is unwatchable for girls because there are some elements of BDSM that are missing. And, I simply agreed with her and moved the conversation onwards, when I had a golden opportunity to move the subject towards her and flirtatiously asked her “is that what you are into” to break the barrier in that sense (I also had that thought pass in my head when she brought that up, so this isn’t just a retrospective take). But, what held me back was me being anxious that I would gross her out with that question, even if she was very open to that topic, on top of initiating that conversation — so I think that would have been appropriate and fun.
Put in other words, I feel trapped in keeping conversations abstract and away from the other person, to the point that I would never initiate any type of flirtatious behaviour in fear of potentially upsetting them (or anything of that nature). This holds me back from any type of initiation and it’s starting to take a toll on me the older I get.
Does anyone know how I can get over this fear of not wanting to potentially upset people? It’s been holding me back forever and I want this state of my mind to be extinguished. If there is one thing that I would ask from you guys is to not tell me to start complimenting people; that’s too easy, it allows me to feel comfortable in that space and I do that naturally, so no thank you.
Feel free to ask follow up questions.
1 comment
You just need to be more relaxed and stop yourself from creating something in your head with a girl you just met. You re afraid to loose something because in your head you created that something but in reality there is nothing and you should treat it like nothing and if the conversation is going good you should always just be a little reserved in making anything in your head like even if you can tell she likes you a lot you should still say to yourself “she likes to talk to me but maybe she doesn’t want anything more than conversation.” That s how I think and it keeps me relaxed and I can be myself ,funny and flirtatious.