Hi, I’m in need of some advice after a pretty rough few years.
For context – I (F late 20s) found out a while back that my partner of 7 years (F late 20s) was having an emotional and (although not physical since it was only online) sexual affair. This had gone on behind my back for about six months and then went on for another year when I (foolishly, I know) tried to reconcile and work past it.
I am an artist. My art is my profession as well as my main form of self expression. My ex is also an artist and content creator with a not insignificant following in a pretty large internet subculture. Throughout our relationship I felt unsupported by them when it came to art. They would tell me that they loved my art to my face – that they wanted to see me succeed and grow a following as well. When I would ask for help from them I was always met with some excuse or another (“I’m not sure you fit my brand”, “maybe I will if I see you post in time”, etc.) While this was going on I saw them boost the reach of not only their affair partner but many others.
Now, I know I was not entitled to their following and I know in my head that following and engagement are not everything. I am trying to divorce them from my sense of self-worth. Emotions are, unfortunately, slow to follow. Feeling vulnerable and unsupported in that way hurt a great deal – still does – and that hurt led to a loss of any creative drive in me. Being dismissed in that way by my partner wore down my desire to even pick up a pencil.
My question is: How do I untangle my feelings of hurt and self worth from my actual drive to create? I feel as though I’ve lost myself. (I should note I am working towards therapy it’s just not financially in the cards right now)
Any advice would be wonderful. It actually felt great just to write this out. Thank you.
TL;DR – Looking for advice on untangling sense of self worth and drive to create from feelings of dismissal and neglect tied to cheating/unsupportive ex